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HASHIMURA  TOGO 


«ASN  fMURA 
TOGO 


w    r 
t    R 


I 


Copyright,  1914,  by 
HEARST'S  INTERNATIONAL  LIBRARY  Co.,  INC. 

All  rights  reserved,  including  the  translation  into  foreign 
languages^  including  the  Scandinavian 


URL 


Contents 


PAGE 


INTRODUCEMENT        ....      7 

I    TOGO'S  THURSDAYS  OUT        .       .11 

II    TOGO'S  MOVING  DAY        ...     19 

III    TOGO  RUNS  A  FURNACE  ...     26 

IV1     TOGO    AND    THE    "  WEAK-ENDERS  "      33 

V  TOGO  SWATS  THE  FLY     ...  41 

VI  TOGO  SAILS  FOR  BARGAINS     .       .  49 

VII  TOGO  IN  BACHELOR'S  HALL    .       .  57 

VIII  TOGO  AT  THE  SEASHORE  ...  65 

IX  TOGO  MEETS  HON.  CLOTHES  LINE  73 

X  TOGO  COAXES  DOWN  THE  COST  OF 

LIVING 81 

XI  TOGO  BECOMES  A  FIRE  HERO  .       .  89 

XII  TOGO  MAKES  DISCOVERIES      .       .  97 

XIII  TOGO'S  THANKSGIVING     .       .       .  105 

XIV  TOGO  SEEKS  TEA  AND  FINDS  TANGO  113 
XV  ARE  TURKEY- WALTZING  A  DANCE 

OR  A  CONVULSION?      .       .       .121 

5 


5  Contents 

CHAFTEK  PAGE 

XVI    WHEN  WILL  LADY-FASHIONS  GET 

ASHAMED  OF  THEMSELVES?       .   126 

XVII    THE  DRAMA  OF  SEX        .       .       .131 

XVIII    GRAND  OPERA  IN  ENGLISH     .       .  136 

XIX    A  LESSON  IN  EUGENICS  .       .       .141 

XX    TOGO'S    CHRISTMAS   DAY   IN   THE 

MORNING 147 

XXI    THE  HEAD  OF  THE  HOUSE      .       .154 


Illustrations 

"You  are  not  permitted  to  amuse  cousins 
while  working,"  she  snib.  "  However, 
Nogi  may  remain  if  he  help  pass  salad  to 
Daughters  of  Samantha."  .  .  Frontispiece 

FACING    PAGE 

By  this  warfare  I  broke  considerable  flies 
and  other  dishes 44 

When  I  fetch  forth  raw  steak  and  apple 
pie  all  require,  "  What  the  matter  with 
Togo?" 60 

"  Have  he  not  been  constantly  on  ice  for 
2  yrs?  Nothing  could  be  fresher  than 
that,"  depose  Hon.  Butcher  .  .  .106 


Introducement  to  Mrs.  Public 

DEAR  SIR:— In  reading  this  intellectual 
volume  of  words  I  hopes  that  Mrs. 
Public  &  Husband  will  realize  what  I 
am  stabbing  at.  Science  in  kitchen,  rugs, 
vacuum  cleaners,  babies  etc  is  what  I  wish 
teach  all  homes.  Can  this  be  accomplish? 
Answer  is,  Yes ! !  For  housekeeping  can  get  to 
be  a  Science  just  like  warfare  and  pulling  teeth. 

And  in  each  of  those  letters  scrambled  to 
gether  in  this  Book  I  show  you  how  like  a  Scien 
tist  I  behave;  for  Scientists  learns  big  wisdom, 
does  they  not,  by  manufacturing  wicked  smells, 
explosions  and  unhappiness.  I  also  learn  knowl 
edge  of  housekeepery  that  way,  and  if  occasional 
folks  expire  dead  from  eating  what  I  cook,  they 
should  not  get  irritable.  Science  has  its  victims 
as  well  as  warfare. 

Hon.  Shakspeare,  or  some  other  great  book 
maker,  say,  "  We  learn  by  our  mistakes."  If 
such  is  case,  then  I  have  learned  nearly  every 
thing  that  can  be  assimilated  about  Gen.  House 
work.  I  have  followed  considerable  branches 
of  this  kitchen  intelligence  throughout  U.  S. 
America  wherever  I  could  find  carfare.  There 
fore  I  have  swept  all  this  wreckage  together 
in  my  brain  and  publicate  them  in  this  Book, 
which  is  sort  of  letter  of  recommendation  to 
show  how  much  I  can  accomplish  when  least 
required. 


8      Introducement  to  Mrs.  Public 

Frequent  Professors  has  asked  that  Question: 
Why  Do  Servint  Girls  Be  Servints  ?  I  have  dish- 
covered  following  reasons  for  it : 

i — To  accumulate  $4  weekly   until   wealthy. 

2 — To  drink  gin  secretly  in  refined  homes. 

3 — To  learn  politeness  from  being  snubbed  by 
Ladies. 

4 — To  quit  noisily. 

Still  more  frequent  Professors  require:  Why 
is  Reason  for  High  Costly  Living?  Answer  is, 
Servints.  If  you  ask  any  Lady  in  places  from 
which  I  have  quit  you  will  soonly  find  out.  One 
lady  called  me  most  expensive  Servint  in  America 
because  I  cost  her  $1302.33  for  breakery  of 
crockery  in  one  week  of  labor.  I  were  consider 
able  proud  of  that  record  which  are  seldom 
equalled,  even  by  Swedish. 

What  are  purpose  of  this  Book?  To  teach 
Ladies  be  more  kind  while  abusing  their  help. 
With  very  apologetic  thumbs  I  acknowledge  that 
Hired  Girls  is  not  perfected  like  other  modern 
machinery.  Too  many  waitresses  wait  too  long 
before  obeying  anybody.  Too  many  nurses  spoils 
the  children.  Too  many  cooks  spoils  the  broth. 
Etc.  Yet  what  could  you  expect  for  $6  weekly  ? 
Not  much.  And  you  usually  do  not  get  it.  This 
are  very  labentable  state  of  affairs,  and  I  am 
peculiar  among  Servint  Girls  because  I  never  do 
less  than  expected  of  me.  I  usually  do  more. 
For  instancely,  if  Hon.  Boss  Lady  expect  me  to 
break  y*  her  dishes,  I  break  all.  If  she  expect 
me  to  burn  up  the  roast,  I  burn  down  the  house. 


Introducement  to  Mrs.  Public      9 

Success  in  any  line  can  be  manufactured  from 
such   industry. 

House-ladies  should  continuously  remember 
that  Servints  are  only  human.  Sometimes 
slightly  less.  Nor  should  persons  feel  peev  of 
temperament  because  Cooks  only  stay  shortly 
when  they  call.  Folks  does  not  expec  Doctors 
and  Undertakers  to  stay  longtime  when  they 
come  to  houses.  No ! !  They  got  too  much  busy 
duties  elsewheres  to  linger  considerable  with  one 
customer,  however  much  they  enjoy  it.  Suchly 
it  is  with  Cooks.  They  give  so  much  time  they 
can  to  each  victim  &  pass  onwards.  Then  why 
should  they  be  followed  with  brickbatts  &  regrets 
when  they  depart  for  station?  There  is  no 
answer  to  this  question. 

During  my  promenades  from  jobs  to  jobs  I 
have  visited  considerable  kitchens.  Some  folks 
have  promised  to  treat  me  like  one  of  the  family; 
this  sound  deliciously  sweet  until  I  see  how  that 
family  behaves  with  itself.  From  such  places  1 
escape  nearly  lifeless.  In  my  profession  I  re 
semble  burglars — continually  entering  houses 
without  welcome  and  seldom  quitting  without 
taking  something  with  me.  Sometimes  I  take 
valuable  experience,  sometimes  injury  of  eye 
which  are  considerable  precious  for  teach  my 
soul  how  to  set  in  his  place  and  act  low  down. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same 

Yours  truly 
HASHIMURA  TOGO 


HASHIMURA  TOGO 


Togo's  Thursdays  Out 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeeper  Magazine  who 
should  be  found  in  every  employment  bureau 

DEAREST  SIR:— While  working  in  serv 
ant-girlish   employment  of   Gen.   House 
work  I  have  endured  considerable  cruel 
ties    with    great    durability.      But   when    ladies 
insists  to  pour  kindness  upon  me,  then  the  worm 
twists  from  such  brutality.     For  thus  reason  I 
am  now  entirely  disjointed  from  job  of  working 
at  home  of  Hon.  Mrs.  Heneretta  Hoke  &  Hus 
band,  Nutt  Center,  N.  J.    I  tell  you  this  historical 
event. 

When  I  employ  this  Mrs.  Hoke  to  be  boss, 
she  say  with  Jane  Addams  expression,  "  Hon. 
Abe  Lincoln  freed  niggero  slaves  sometime  of 
yore;  therefore  Japanese  servant  must  also  be 
considered  human." 

"  I  do  not  expect  such  sweethearted  treat 
ment,"  I  say  for  slight  tear-drop. 

"  I  am  going  to  commence  my  beginning  by 
being  generous  to  you,"  she  encroach.  "  You 
may  take  Thursday  afternoons  out." 

"  How  far  out  can  I  take  them  ?  "  are  question 
for  me. 

ii 


12  Hashimura  Togo 

"  Plenty  far,"  she  renounce,  "  but  not  so  distant 
he  will  not  get  back  in  time  for  breakfast  Fryday 
morning.  I  give  you  this  Thursday  p.  m.  from 
great  philanthropy  of  soul,  so  you  will  be  able 
to  work  harder  when  you  get  back." 

"  What  amusements  are  proper  for  servant 
on  this  bright  holidate  ?  "  I  ask  to  know. 

"  Sometimes  one  way,  sometimes  different," 
she  pronounce.  "  Walking,  setting  down,  quar 
reling,  flirtating,  seeing  emotion-picture  show, 
obtaining  drunkenness,  getting  married  or  ar 
rested — all  are  good  ways  for  servant  on  Thurs 
day." 

I  thank  her  from  the  stomack  of  my  soul 
and  fill  my  brain  with  joy-thoughts  about 
that  nice  date  of  afternoon  I  should  spend. 
It  were  Monday  when  she  say  this.  Each 
day  afterwards  my  gladness  become  pretty  plenty 
when  I  think  what  light  amusement  it  should  be. 
I  fill  my  mentality  with  plans  for  frivolity. 
Maybe  I  should  go  to  hear  Rev.  Dr.  Soyanada 
lecture  on  Mr.  Ibsen.  Or  perhapsly  I  might 
walk  in  Unnatural  History  Museum  admiring 
skeletons.  These  light  joys  seem  pretty  happy — 
but  O ! — of  suddenly  I  think  something  better. 
I  should  write  my  cousin  Nogi  for  meet  me  in 
G.  A.  R.  Cemetery  where  we  could  learn  Ameri 
can  language  by  reading  biographies  on  monu 
ments. 

Thursday  morning  arrive  up.  Such  beauty  of 
day !  Air  was  clear  like  alcohol,  making  blueness 
of  sky  which  removed  blueness  from  heart.  I 


Togo's  Thursdays  Out  13 

never  observed  better  day  for  servants  to  see 
cemeteries.  At  n  a.  m.  I  eloped  to  room  for 
make  slight  brush  to  shoes  &  derby. 

Lunch   time  arrive. 

"  Togo,"  report  Hon.  Mrs.  Hoke,  poking  un 
prepared  head  into  kitchen,  "  you  will  be  unex 
pectedly  detained  at  home  this  afternoon;  so 
sorry.  I  shall  give  bridge-gamble  for  48  friends 
this  p.  m.  and  6  additional  must  remain  for  din 
ner-eat." 

Door-slam  was  her  next  reply. 

Mr.  Editor,  have  you  ever  been  retained  in 
kitchen,  manufacturing  lemonade-drunk  for 
ladies  while  Nature  stand  outside  whistling  for 
you?  Amidst  such  sorrows  your  fingers  shuffle 
their  feet  and  your  soul  refuses.  I  attempt  to 
bake  cake  while  enjoying  these  pains;  but  you 
cannot  make  cake  arise  when  your  heart  con 
tains  no  yeast. 

All  through  brightness  of  afternoon  bridge- 
gamble  continue  while  I  poke  forth  chocolate. 
At  lateness  of  11.22  p.  m.  6  additional  persons 
depart  off  from  dinner-eat.  I  go  bed  without 
congratulation. 

Next  morning  Hon.  Mrs.  report  to  kitchen 
with  shameface. 

"  So  careless,  I  forgot  Thursday !  "  she  guggle. 

"  Could  you  not  forget  Monday  or  Wednes 
day  next  time  ?  "  I  acknowledge. 

"  When  Thursday  comes  again,  remind  me  it 
is  here,"  she  snuggest  while  tucking  her  hairs. 

So  I  again  enslave  myself  with  fidelity  for  6l/2 


14  Hashimura  Togo 

complete  days.  This  Thursday,  I  think  so,  me  & 
Nogi  should  see  that  delicious  cemetery  while 
brightness  of  weather  was  there.  Once  more  I 
write  Nogi,  "  Come  meet  me  at  kitchen,  so  we 
sure  find  each  other."  He  reply  back,  "  Will  do." 

Next  Thursday  come  up.  More  sunshininess 
of  thermometer  I  never  saw.  On  such  days  birds 
gets  headaches  from  too  much  song.  So  I  was 
prepare  to  elope  away  for  slight  vacation.  By 
early  date  of  breakfast  I  encroach  up  to  Mrs. 
Boss  and  reply  with  butler  voice,  "  Thursday 
have  arrive !  " 

"  So  glad  you  remind  me — so  he  has !  "  she 
gosp.  "If  you  had  not  speak  I  would  forgot — 
Daughters  of  Samantha  Stitching  Society  meet 
here  this  p.  m.  You  must  assist  with  salad-eat 
for  41." 

"  Are  this  not  my  outside  day  ?  "  I  repeat  for 
slight  peev  of  tone. 

"  Be  less  impertinent  in  your  impudence,"  she 
snagger  while  walking. 

I  remain  where  was  that  afternoon.  Yet  my 
soul  became  so  sogged  he  nearly  dropped  out. 
At  2  p.  m.  while  I  was  chopping  up  detestable 
chicken  for  salad-feed,  my  Cousin  Nogi  make 
smiling  knock-knock  to  kitchen  door. 

"  When  shall  you  get  out  ?  "  he  require  with 
fashionable  derby. 

"  I  am  hopelessly  sentenced  for  life,"  I  reply 
spirally.  "  Set  down  in  chairs  and  enjoy  my 
imprisonment." 

Ring-door  occur  so  I  must  lay  aside  my  apron 


Togo's  Thursdays  Out  15 

and  other  sorrows  while  opening  knob  for  as 
sorted  fat  ladies.  When  I  go  back  to  kitchen 
and  commence  explaining  indignation  in  Japa 
nese  to  Cousin  Nogi,  then  Mrs.  Hoke  poke  her 
features  in  door. 

"  Who  that  ? "  she  require  hashly,  making 
points  to  Nogi. 

"  My  affectionate  cousin  Nogi,"  I  corrode. 

"  You  are  not  permitted  to  amuse  cousins 
while  working,"  she  snib.  "  Howeverly,  Nogi 
may  remain  if  he  help  pass  salad  to  Daughters 
of  Samantha." 

Loudly  crash  heard  when  Nogi  was  escaping 
through  window. 

Mr.  Editor,  Thursday  Out  are  like  any  other 
form  of  love.  If  you  never  had  it  you  never 
miss  it.  I  had  2  Thursdays  removed  from  me 
and  was  getting  accustomed  to  do  without. 

When  another  Thursday  arrive  up  all  Nature 
look  cross  &  aggravated.  Extreme  cyclones  be 
gin  blowing  away  Kansas ;  trees  threw  down,  huj, 
landslides  of  snow  fell  from  heaven  while  wet 
rain  also  was  there  to  make  puddles  amidst  ice. 

Hon.  Mrs.  Heneretta  Hoke  arrive  in  kitchen 
with  her  face  filled  up  from  the  sunshine  which 
was  not  in  sky. 

"  Togo,"  she  say  so,  making  charity  expression 
of  mouth,  "  you  have  been  earnestly  faithful 
Japanese  in  bake,  stew,  and  dish-wash." 

"  I  confess  it."     This  from  me. 

"  Therefore  I  shall  reward  it,"  she  sympathize 
while  pointing  to  outdoors  where  nature  were 


16  Hashimura  Togo 

feeling  seasick  while  blowing  down  hen-shed. 
"  I  give  you  your  Thursday  Out." 

"  I  bid  you  merry  no  thanks !  "  I  say  it.  "  If 
convenient,  I  shall  take  my  outing  inside  where 
there  is  less  pneumonia." 

"  O !  "  she  defy  with  steam  voice.  "  You  dish- 
obey  my  orders  ?  " 

"If  convenient,"  I  snagger,  "  I  prefer  my  picnic 
in  my  bedroom  where  there  is  only  one  leak." 

"  Shall  not  do !  "  she  howell.  "  Your  lung  re 
quire  fresh  air  Thursday." 

"  My  lung  feel  plenty  fresh  already,"  I  insure. 

"  O  boneless  Japanese !  "  she  retork.  "  Why 
should  I  be  continuously  thoughtful  for  your 
convenience  ?  Why  should  I  treat  you  gently  like 
a  horse  when  you  stand  there  and  kick  my  kind 
ness  back  in  my  face  ?  " 

Bang  door.    She  popp  away. 

When  dishes  was  entirely  washed  off  I  retire 
upwards  to  my  room  with  my  mind  full  of 
vacation.  This  department  where  I  slept  was 
neat  room  for  Japanese,  but  too  small  for  Swedes. 
What  should  I  do  with  this  enclosed  Thursday? 
Sleep,  perhapsly,  and  enjoy  a  few  nightmares  by 
daylight?  This  seem  too  inappropriate.  What 
then  should  I? 

I  set  on  bed  opposite  bursted  portrait  of  Hon. 
Geo.  W.  Washington  while  watching  drop-drip 
of  rain  falling  into  wash-bowl.  Pretty  soonly  1 
uprose  and  lock  door. 

How  should  I  be  amused?  Then,  of  suddenly, 
I  think  it.  Music!  That  are  considered  most 


Togo's  Thursdays  Out  17 

fashionable  indoor  exercise  for  jaded  fatigue. 
So  I  open  up  trunk  and  got  out  following  im 
plements  : 

I  Japanese  banjo  of  whang-string  variety. 

5  complete  cigars  of  Philippine  factory. 

i  music  entitled  "  Tolly  Widow  Wedding 
March." 

i  umbrella  of  American  nationality. 

I  tie  umbrella  to  bed,  so  keep  off  drop-drip.  I 
arrange  myself  under  this  water-shed,  light  cigar 
in  teeth,  put  banjo  in  knuckles,  retain  music  on 
knee.  Then  I  commence  beginning.  Japanese 
banjos,  Mr.  Editor,  refuse  to  wear  American 
tunes  unless  forced  to  do  so;  but  by  practical 
continuation  of  pick-pick  on  strings  I  can  become 
quite  Mozart.  I  spent  2.y2  hours  at  this  musical 
sympathy,  filling  small  room  with  more  sounds 
than  it  could  contain  and  almost  becoming  tune 
ful,  when — O  startle! — knock-knock  rapped  at 
door. 

"  Come  inwards !  "  I  holla. 

"  Can't  do,  and  be  pretty  quick  about  it ! " 
glub  basso  voice  of  Hon.  Mr.  Hoke,  making  rat 
tles  from  locked  knob.  "  Please  unlock  door  so 
I  can  drag  you  out." 

I  oblige  politely  by  unlatching  that  locker. 
Hon.  Hoke  rosh  inwards  and  stand  sky-scraping 
over  me  like  bulldogs  scaring  mice. 

"  Why  you  mean  ?  "  he  thonder.  "  Why  you 
so  reptilian  in  depravity  when  kind  Mrs.  Wife 
are  so  angel-handed?  Are  she  not  entirely  gen 
erous?" 


1 8  Hashimura  Togo 

"  She  are  quite  Carnegie,  I  pronounce  humbly. 

"Did  she  not  give  you  my  shoes  last  week?" 

"  She  do.  I  am  saving  them  to  give  to  some 
tramp  who  like  ventilated  soles,"  I  oblate. 

"  What  are  more  ungrateful  than  ingrati 
tude  ?  "  he  hoop.  "  And  now  this  sweetish  lady 
offer  you  Thursday  which  you  refuse.  Why 
so?" 

I  point  out  of  window  where  weather  was 
there  shooting  lightning  into  churches  while 
thunder  cursed  with  entreme  bellus. 

"  I  do  not  like  this  Thursday,"  I  renig.  "  It  is 
damaged." 

"  You  shall  be  included  among  the  wreckage !  " 
he  nash  while  compelling  me  downstair.  And 
next  I  stood  alonesome  in  the  midst  of  Thursday 
which  was  quite  drowned. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO.   f 


II 

Togo's  Moving  Day 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeeper  Magazine,  who 
are  still  there,  I  hopes, 

DEAR  SIR: — Kindly  to  please   notice  my 
detachment   from  employ  of  Hon.   Mrs. 
&  Mr.  Anna  G.  Sulkz,  Cornstable,  N.  J. 
I   shall   tell  you  how  they   carelussly   came   to 
remove  their  home  without  including  me  among 
furniture. 

One  morning  a.  m.  Hon.  Mrs.  arrive  to 
kitchen  and  observe  me  singing  Japanese  opera 
amid  dish-pans. 

"  Togo,"  she  say  it,  "  date  of  Maytime  will 
soonly  arrive  up.  May  Day  are  come  when 
nervus  prostration  are  enjoyed  by  all  Homes 
which  must  travel  for  their  health." 

"  I  should  like  learn  this  education,"  I  say  it. 

"  You  shall,"  she  pronounce.  "  Kindly  to  be 
gin  at  oncely.  Firstly  you  may  rave  through 
house  tearing  all  pictures  down  and  all  carpets 
up.  We  must  move  on  Wednesday  before  our 
lease  stops  doing  so." 

"  I  shall  obey  with  faithful  mania,"  are  promus 
from  me. 

19 


2O  Hashimura  Togo 

So  I  do  so  to  any  extent.  I  seek  forth  with 
tack  hammer  and  am  so  earnest  from  labor  that 
entire  residence  look  quite  cyclone.  Too  bad 
important  cow  portrait  hanging  over  piano  were 
crushed  by  falling  on  that  mahogany  music ! 
Also  sorry  to  observe  so  much  jugs,  china,  and 
ancestors  bursted  by  striking  me  while  I  worked! 
But  what  you  expect?  Home  are  like  any  other 
ship.  It  would  not  be  wrecked  if  it  would  re 
main  motionless. 

But  Hon.  Mrs.  Sulkz  would  not  agree  to  this 
wisdoms.  When  plaster  cast  of  Mr.  Dante, 
famous  inferno,  fell  over  and  stroked  me  on  fore 
head  with  his  sharp  nose,  Hon.  Mrs.  make  loudy 
ouch. 

"  Awful !  "  she  yellup.  "  Why  must  every 
thing  break  what  strikes  you  ?  " 

"  I  am  grieved."  This  from  me.  "  If  that 
poet  gentleman  had  less  soft  head  it  would  not 
explode  when  striking  mine." 

"  It  were  an  artistic  bust,"  she  narrate  while 
weeping. 

"  I  notice  this,"  I  reprobate  while  sweeping  up 
small  plaster  fraxures  from  that  great  poetry. — 
And  so  onwards. 

When  Hon.  Sulkz,  important  gentleman  of 
Senator  Penrose  resemblance,  retire  homewards 
that  night,  he  look  round  with  anxious  thumbs. 

"  I  wish  women  could  vote,"  he  exaggerate, 
"  because  then  they  would  get  less  time  for  house 
keeping  and  home  would  be  left  comfortable  once 
in  a  whiles." 


Togo's  Moving  Day  21 

Hon.  Mrs.  make  pepper  answer  to  this  reply, 
but  I  were  too  busy  dragging  carpet  downstairs 
by  his  ears. 

At  lastly  morning  of  May  date  arrive.  I 
awoke  and  called  me  early,  wishing  to  think 
Tennyson  poem,  but  could  not  do  because  rain 
ensued  as  usual  and  Italian-speaking  shovels  was 
digging  gas-hole  in  street  amidst  intense  odor 
of  smell. 

I  hear  noise  of  considerable  "  Whoa !  "  be- 
front  of  house.  Look  see!  Three  swollen 
wagons  resembling  circus  was  there  while  3 
drivers,  assisted  by  enlarged  Irish,  spoke  lan 
guage  to  horses  wearing  overalls. 

I  rosh  downwards  to  open  door  and  all  Moving 
Vanners  rosh  inwards  intending  to  make  jiu- 
jitsu  with  furniture. 

"  O  please !  "  collapse  Hon.  Mrs.  while  them  6 
Vanners  looked  cruelty  at  piano  while  unrolling 
their  giant  muscles.  "  O  please  be  gentle  with 
my  home ! " 

"  Mrs.  Lady,"  say  Hon.  Boss  Mover,  making 
chawtobacco,  "  strong  men  are  always  kindest." 
With  such  dictation  he  embrace  Hon.  Piano  with 
terrible  Turkish  elbows  and  knock  off  several  legs 
by  removing  door-knob  while  brushing  too  close. 
Assisted  by  considerable  Irish,  Hon.  Piano  make 
crash-bang  music  by  stumbling  into  Van. 

"  How  could  you  treat  music  so  carelussly  ?  " 
chock  Hon.  Mrs.  ringing  her  hands. 

"  One  cannot  be  a  Sandow  and  a  Paderewski 
at  same  moment/'  snuggest  Hon.  Boss  Van- 


22  Hashimura  Togo 

ner  while  performing  slides  with  bed  furni 
ture. 

Pretty  soonly  all  that  Home  was  ejected  out 
ward  into  street.  Ancestors,  coal-scuttles,  land 
scapes,  dictionary,  dust-pan,  etc.  all  waltzed  down 
stairway  on  top  of  that  great  muscle.  When 
Hon.  Vanner  drop  bureau  which  crack  in  2  he 
say  to  Hon.  Mrs.  Sulkz,  with  chivalry  expression, 
"  I  call  you  to  witness;  this  goods  is  damaged." 
And  so  onwards. 

Pretty  soonly,  when  that  Home  were  com 
pletely  tied  down  in  wagons,  Hon.  Mrs.  arise 
upwards  from  her  nervus  prostration  and  say 
so  to  me,  "  Togo,  can  your  brain  do  some  in 
tellect?" 

"  I  shall  be  entirely  brilliant,  if  brain  is  not," 
I  promus. 

"  Well,  if  so,"  she  snagger,  "  I  wish  you  would 
ride  on  front  wagon  with  Chief  Housebreaker 
and  tell  his  brainless  mind  the  number  of  new 
house  where  it  should  go." 

"  Where  shall  it  be?"  I  inquest. 

"  Remember  this  number  exactly — 125  North 
Orange  Street.  Can  your  memory  assimilate 
it?" 

"  Doggishly !  "  I  insure. 

"Remember — 125!!"  she  holla  while  Hon. 
Vanload  chuckle  off. 

This  job  of  bossing  boss  make  me  entirely  en 
larged  in  my  sensations  which  feel  like  German 
army.  To  think  of!  Small-down  Japanese  like 
me  setting  there  in  frontwheel  seat  dictating  or- 


Togo's  Moving  Day  23 

ders  to  gigantic  Irish!  This  show  how  brains 
is  more  muscular  than  muscle. 

Pretty  soonly  we  arrive  up  to  home  entitled 
Number  125.  O  such  landscape  of  expensive 
house!  Front  lawn  extending  on  all  sides,  con 
siderable  pompus  windows,  goddesses  in  iron 
nightgowns  standing  near  fountains,  and.  front 
door  of  considerable  brass  resembling  Senators. 
Joy  inflamed  my  ears.  How  pleasure  I  feel  to 
know  that  Hon.  Mr.  Sulkz  had  increased  his 
salary  so  much  he  could  afford  to  move  into 
house  like  a  library. 

While  thinking  this  intelligence  I  stood  forth 
and  command  all  those  enlarged  Vanners  like 
Napoleon  moving  into  France.  Firstly  we  go 
to  front  door  of  new  home  for  open  him  so 
furniture  get  in.  How  strange !  Hon.  Key  seem 
disabled  to  unlock  it.  Howeverly  much  we  twist 
and  fubble,  it  make  no  impression  on  that  brassy 
opening. 

"  You  have  got  wrong  key,"  say  Chief  Mover. 
"  But  not  be  dishcouraged.  I  was  once  a  burglar. 
Therefore  I  can  deceive  that  lock  into  opening 
himself." 

With  talented  thumbs  and  several  pocket-knife 
he  stroggled  &  ranched  until — O  suddenly! — 
Hon.  Door  click  apart  and  there  we  stood  in 
grandy  hall  resembling  theaters. 

But  what  I  see  there?  Surprise!  That  home 
we  entered  were  entirely  filled  with  furniture  of 
boastful  appearance.  Sofas,  statues  &  gilty  up 
holstery  stood  everywhere  looking  natural. 


24  Hashimura  Togo 

"  Last  family  have  been  too  sluggish  to  move 
out  in  time,"  glub  Hon.  Vanner.  "  Shall  we 
throw  out  this  proud  furniture  and  wedge  ours 
in?" 

"  Not  sure,"  I  renig  dubfully.  "  So  many 
sideboards  &  pianos  might  be  too  heavy  to  throw 
very  far.  Perhapsly  they  are  new  instalment 
furniture  bought  by  Hon.  Sulkz  to  fill  up." 

"  Gentlemen  with  so  much  duplicate  tables 
should  lead  double  lives,"  grubble  Hon.  Boss 
Teamer.  "  Shall  we  move  inwards  ?  " 

"  With  immediate  quickness !  "  I  signify,  mak 
ing  Admiral  Dewey  eyebrows. 

So  all  Moving  Vanners  do  so  with  immediate 
strength.  Sooner  than  before  all  that  Sulkz 
home  was  walking  into  midst  of  grandeur  which 
look  quite  snobbish  to  see  so  many  plain  chair 
&  table  piled  up  in  midst  of  that  Czar  of  Russia 
parlor.  No  room  was  for  another  piano,  yet  we 
pile  him  next.  Dining-room  were  too  much 
crowd  for  second  table,  yet  we  set  2  on  top 
of  each  other.  Same  thing  must  be  did  with 
beds,  stoves,  and  wash-tubs. 

When  all  this  jobs  were  completely  finished, 
that  house  look  like  a  judge  after  Republican 
banquets — entirely  grand,  yet  too  filled  to  feel 
comfortable. 

However !  When  all  those  Vanners  say  "  Gid- 
dap !  "  and  drove  away  in  Gen.  Direction  of  more 
beer,  I  sat  alonesome  in  house.  4  hours  I  await 
idly  doing  nothing.  What  had  occurred  to  kill 
all  Sulkz  family  that  they  do  not  come  to  reside 
in  this  new  palace?  I  was  confused.  Night 


Togo's  Moving  Day  25 

time  approach  up.  I  could  hear  ghosts  creaking 
under  piano,  so  I  lit  $10000  chandelier  in  dining- 
room  and  ate  crackers  while  pretending  I  were 
King  of  Portugeese  expecting  revolution. 

Silence  was  interrupted  by  noise.  What  was? 
I  heard  many  footprints  walking  into  house — 
and  while  it  was  too  soon  to  hide,  2  realestaters, 
6  police,  Mrs.  Sulkz,  Mr.  Sulkz,  child  &  dog 
walk  inwards. 

"  How  you  get  in  here  ?  "  howell  Hon.  Mrs. 
with  voice. 

"  I  move  in,"  I  narrate  calmly.  "  This  are 
number  you  told." 

"  It  are  right  number  but  wrong  house,"  she 
snuggest.  "  I  told  you  North  Orange  Street. 
This  are  South  Orange  Street." 

"  Would  that  make  some  importance  ?  "  I  ask 
out. 

"  Mentality  of  a  mice !  "  she  aggravate.  "  Do 
you  not  know  difference  between  North  and 
South?" 

"  There  are  no  difference,"  I  explan  with 
Abe  Lincoln  expression.  "  That  were  settled  by 
civil  war." 

But  before  I  could  complete  finishing  my  talk, 
more  civil  war  elapsed  while  Hon.  Sulkz,  police, 
real-estate,  child  &  dog  poke  me  through  mixed 
furniture  while  I  eloped  away  like  an  old-fash 
ioned  egg  escaping  from  Dr.  Ostler. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


Ill 

Togo  Runs  a  Furnace 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeeper  Magazine  who 
are  cheaper  than  coal,  because  he  warms  many 
homes,  price  i$c. 

i 

DEAR  SIR: — Most  recent  job  of  employ 
ment  I  was  impeached  from  was  home  of 
Mrs.  and  Mr.  J.  W.  Humburg,  Pondside, 
N.J.  Perhapsly  you  can  tell  me  why,  because  I 
am  disabled  to  understand  the  customary  habits 
of  some  households. 

Just  a  few  days  of  yore  I  apply  there  in  ex 
treme  coldness  of  snow.  This  Hon.  Mrs.  Hum- 
burg,  dark  hairs  lady  of  muscular  expression, 
approach  to  kitchen  and  observe  me. 

"  You  are  a  cook  ?  "  she  ask  it. 

"  Yes  are !  "  I  say  it. 

"  Then  you  will  be  expected  to  feed  the  fur 
nace  while  doing  so,"  she  negotiate  harshly. 

"  Must  I  be  an  engineer  because  I  am  a  hired 
girl  ?  "  I  requesh. 

"  I  guess  supposedly,"  renig  Hon.  Mrs.,  while 
leading  me  to  inferno  of  down-cellar  where  I  was 
introduced  to  Hon.  Furnace.  This  iron  animal, 
Mr.  Editor,  lives  like  a  very  homely  hermit  in 
middle  of  low  darkness.  He  set  there  in  nest 


Togo  Runs  a  Furnace  27 

of  ashes,  with  tin  snakes  growing  from  his  fore 
head  like  zinc  octopus.  His  teeth  was  full  of 
blazes  and  he  would  of  made  a  nice  idol  for 
Japanese  to  worship  when  feeling  old-fashioned. 
I  could  not  love  his  face  which  seem  too  hungry 
when  open  and  too  satisfied  when  closed. 

"  We  never  permit  him  to  go  out  in  winter," 
narrate  Hon.  Mrs. 

"  I  shall  watch  see  he  do  not  escape,"  I 
promus  with  Wm.  Jerome  eyebrows. 

Annexed  to  Hon.  Furnace  were  a  slight  clock 
with  one  finger  going  around  like  taxicabs. 
"  This  are  the  steam  gag,"  explan  Hon.  Mrs. 
"  He  are  now  pointing  23." 

"  Do  that  tell  age  of  Hon.  Furnace  ? "  I  re 
quire  educationally. 

"  No,  not ! "  she  snagger.  "  That  indikate  the 
number  Ibs.  steam  in  boiler.  You  must  be  care 
ful  about  that.  If  Hon.  Steam  Gag  jump  above 
25  Ibs.  that  will  mean  Hon.  Furnace  have  got 
too  much  steam  on  his  brain  and  might  blow  up 
with  Harry  Thaw  noise.  When  Hon.  Steam 
Gag  get  too  ambitious,  Oh,  cool  Hon.  Furnace 
with  immediate  quickness  before  explode  up !  " 

"  A  Samurai  janitor  fears  no  steam !  "  I  re 
ject  proudishly,  while  folding  my  elbows  over 
coal  shovel. 

Mr.  Editor,  I  did  not  stoke  long  in  this  situa 
tion  of  work,  but  I  make  very  pleasant  impres 
sion  of  it.  Although  I  enjoy  thumb-scorch,  ash- 
eye,  and  janitorial  pain  of  spine,  yet  I  commence 
to  love  Hon.  Furnace  for  his  characteristic.  I 


28  Hashimura  Togo 

begin  to  dishcover  he  are  like  Hon.  Beethoven, 
famus  piano-player — he  got  red-hot  soul  inside 
his  homely  face.  It  were  pleasant  to  watch  him 
cat  $8  worth  very  hard  coal  and  purr  from  sweet 
digestion.  It  are  nice  to  be  healthy.  He  seem  to 
contain  no  meanness.  When  I  close  his  mouth 
with  shovel  he  forgive  that  impoliteness.  He 
love  to  have  me  comb  his  ashes  with  poker. 

Pretty  soonly,  while  doing  this,  I  begin  to  feel 
like  engineers  running  Lusitania.  I  decorate  my 
complexion  with  smudges  and  imagine  how  1000 
Newport  passengers  was  on  upstairs  deck  con 
gratulating  my  intelligence.  While  thinking 
thusly  I  poke  more  coal  into  inflamed  mouth  of 
Hon.  Furnace.  Yet  I  keep  my  scientific  eye 
sight  on  Hon.  Steam  Gag  for  see  he  did  not  over 
jump  25  Ibs.,  thusly  causing  mania  to  explode. 

This  engineerish  work  seem  so  heroic  that  I 
grew  quite  peev  about  merely  house-maidenly 
work.  Yet  I  was  hired  to  do.  So  I  perform 
them  with  disgust. 

While  I  was  upstairs  doing  bed-make  exercise, 
Hon.  Mrs.  incroach  with  sharpness  of  face 
peculiar  to  swords. 

"  I  am  quite  aquainted  with  Hon.  Furnace," 
I  say  for  happy  smiling. 

"I  notice  it,"  she  degrade,  "by  the  thumb- 
tracks  you  leave  on  bed-spread." 

"  If  you  would  burn  white  coal,  maybe  I  would 
match  your  delicate  home  more  nicely,"  I  snug 
gest. 

She  reply  by  not  doing  so. 


Togo  Runs  a  Furnace  29 

Hon.  Furnace  seem  more  depressed  that  after 
noon  p.  m.,  so  I  sit  beside  him  to  shovel  nourish 
ment.  Hon.  Steam  Gag  say  14,  which  are  very 
sick  temperature.  Hon.  Furnace  look  dull-eye 
like  fish,  and  more  I  coaled  him  the  less  he  het. 
I  feed  him  slight  soap-box  for  light  foods,  and 
by  4:11  he  smile  more  pleasanter  and  commence 
eating  coal.  At  5:12  Hon.  Steam  Gag  awoke 
up  to  taxicab  work. 

Thusly  I  left  him  and  go  to  kitchen  for  make 
food  for  rest  of  family.  But  my  soul  would 
not  get  into  that  kitchen  work,  Mr.  Editor.  It 
were  similar  to  a  janitor  attempting  to  be  a  chef. 
It  might  be  done,  but  can  it?  I  almost  nearly 
put  shovelful  of  coal  in  apple-pie,  I  was  think 
ing  so  hard  about  what  would  tempt  appetite  of 
furnaces. 

Howeverly,  I  finished  fashionable  foods  for 
that  Humburg  family  to  eat,  to  include  con 
siderable  potatus  and  canned  corn.  Hon.  Mrs. 
who  went  to  Trenton  for  slight  shop-buy,  arrive 
back  at  6 134  attached  to  her  Husband.  I  observe 
that  gentleman  through  door-hinge  and  notice 
his  dishagreeable  Wall  Street  appearance.  He 
look  entirely  bear-market.  First  thing  he  do 
when  approaching  inside  was  to  sneeze  while 
walking  to  Hon.  Radiator  and  touching  him 
with  diamond  fingers. 

"Huh!"  This  from  him.  "Have  you  em 
ployed  Hon.  Doc  Cook  for  janitor?" 

"Why  so?"    This  from  Hon.  Mrs. 

"  Because  he  makes  North  Poles  wherever  he 


30  Hashimura  Togo 

goes,"  snig  Hon.  Mr.  I  could  not  assimilate  this 
compliment  which  might  be  otherwise. 

I  brought  in  dinner-food  on  tray  and  set  him 
to  table.  When  Hon.  Mr.  took  chair  he  looked 
to  me  with  serious  eyesight. 

"  That  are  nice-looking  niggero  boy  you  em 
ploy,"  he  snuggest  to  Hon.  Mrs. 

"  He  are  not  niggero,"  she  devolve.  "  He 
got  that  complexion  from  being  attentive  to 
furnace." 

"Oh,"  he  snagger.  "If  he  would  put  more 
coal  in  Hon.  Furnace  and  less  on  that  face,  per- 
hapsly  I  should  feel  less  iced." 

I  could  not  chide  that  denaturized  man,  yet 
I  thought  so. 

After  dinner-eat  he  approach  to  kitchen  and 
say :  "  Togo,"  he  say  with  doggish  voice,  "  fur 
naces  are  made  for  heats.  Otherwisely  we  would 
use  ice-boxes,  which  is  just  as  handsome.  Any 
cook  who  cannot  feed  my  furnace  should  be 
banished  for  cruelty." 

"  I  understand  this  knowledge,"  I  report 
chivalrously. 

"  Did  you  permit  Hon.  Furnace  to  go  out !  " 

"  Ah,  no,  not  I  did !  "  This  I  say.  "  I  watch 
him  entire  day  and  give  you  my  truthful  in 
surance  he  did  not  leave  that  cellar." 

"  Tonight  you  must  compel  him  to  heat,  no 
matter  how  desperado  you  act,"  he  snarrel,  de 
parting  off  with  bang-slam. 

At  hearing  such  adjectives,  angry  rages  filled 
my  hair  with  scorn.  What  is  so  ungrateful  as 


Togo  Runs  a  Furnace          31 

ingratitude  ?  Nothing ! !  Had  I  not  sat  by  sick 
bed  of  Hon.  Furnace,  feeding  him  what  stumach 
would  hold?  Yes!  And  yet  this  crude  gentle 
man  reproach  my  firemanship  with  coolness. 

Nextly  I  become  determined.  I  would  compel 
that  heater  to  a  hotter  thermometer  if  I  cooked 
my  soul  doing  so,  I  declare! 

So  I  ascend  down  to  cellar.  Hon.  Furnace 
was  still  there  doing  the  same.  I  shook  him 
with  considerable  peev,  but  he  merely  answered 
by  winking  his  dull  coals.  Hon.  Steam  Gag  say 
1 8  and  act  like  he  was  intending  to  faint  away. 
I  have  read  in  novel-book  about  bravery  of  en 
gineer  who  save  his  ship  by  burning  it  up  for 
steam.  I  shall  do  similar! 

I  burst  up  kitchen  table,  which  should  burn 
nice  because  covered  with  happy  grease.  Hon. 
Furnace  love  such  foods  and  eat  him  with  loudly 
roar.  Hon.  Steam  Gag  jump  forwards  to  19. 
Afterwards  I  poke  in  oilcloth  which  blaze  re 
sembling  July  4  and  smell  more  so.  At  this  sight 
Hon.  Steam  Gag  leap  onward  to  21  and  that  cave 
where  Furnace  lived  become  quite  sun-stroke. 
And  when  I  fetch  forth  excelsior-shave  quenched 
with  kerosene,  I  never  observed  Hon.  Furnace 
chew  more  satisfaction.  Coal  I  added  in  hodd — 
when — Oh,  look ! ! 

Hon.  Steam  Gag  had  arrived  at  27  and  was 
pointing  his  reckless  finger  further  up!  This 
could  not  happen ! ! !  I  remember  how  Hon.  Mrs. 
had  cautiously  warned  me  that  Hon.  Furnace 
would  get  steamed  brain  and  explode  from  de-» 


32  Hashimura  Togo 

mentia  if  Hon.  Gag  surpass  25  Ibs.     Yet  there 
he  was  approaching  30  with  mean  taxi-click ! 

What  should  heroes  do  with  such  circum 
stances?  I  thought  lightning.  Too  much  fire 
make  too  much  steam,  too  much  steam  make 
blow-off.  Therefore  fire  must  quit  at  oncely. 
With  rapid  coal-scuttle  I  make  outrush  to  kitchen 
sink  where  I  fill  him  with  water  and  make  back- 
rush  to  cellar.  I  open  mouth  of  Hon.  Furnace, 
and  embracing  my  elbows,  throw  water  with 
awful  strength.  What  did  that  cruel  furnace 
reply  then? 

WHpOSH  !!!*** 

Out- jump  of  steam,  cooked  coal  &  atmosphere 
suppress  me  backwards  with  such  rapidity  that 
I  hurricaned  through  2  doors  and  i  window, 
arriving  in  outside  snow-bank  on  the  seat  of  my 
stumach. 

"  What  deed  have  you  done  now  ? "  scram 
Hon.  Mrs.  from  topside  porch. 

"Your  furnace  just  discharged  me,"  I  flop 
back  disgustly. 

"  I  congratulate  him,"  she  narrate.  Then  she 
make  earnest  close-down  to  window,  so  there 
I  sat  surrounded  by  frost. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


IV 
Togo  and  the  "  Weak-Enders  " 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeeper  Magazine,  who 
know  how  to  make  home  beautiful  by  staying 
there, 

DEAR  MR: — There  are  a  vacant  place  to 
be    obtained    for    bright    Japanese    Gen. 
Houseworker  at   home   of   Mrs.   &   Mr. 
Jeremia  Spiggott,  Flag  Wave,  Pa.    That  vacancy 
are  where  I  am  not  now  working.     It  surprise 
me.    This  are  how  it  happen. 

During  breakfast-table  last  Fryday  Hon.  Mr, 
Spiggott  look  uply  from  Pittsbug  news-reading 
and  say  with  voice,  "  Mrs.  and  Mr.  Wm.  H.  Ax- 
weilder  shall  be  here  tomorrow  p.  m.  for  slight 
weak-end  visitation." 

"  They  are  both  entirely  unwelcome,  I  am 
sure,"  she  snob. 

"If  we  merely  asked  people  we  liked  there 
would  be  no  hospitality,"  he  rake  off.  "  We  must 
enjoy  Hon.  Axweilder's  company  because  of 
his  great  wealth.  If  we  are  sufficiently  delight 
ful  to  him  maybe  he  will  permit  me  to  cheat  him 
in  business.  You  will  love  his  conversational 
talk.  For  so  dull  a  man  he  have  a  most  pene 
trating  mind." 

33 


34  Hashimura  Togo 

"  He  must  have  to  bore  me  so  deep,"  she 
snagger.  "  I  like  his  wife  less  than  equally." 

So  that  day  she  enslave  me  for  hard  house 
work,  so  all  shall  be  delightful  for  this  disgust 
ing  visit.  All  day  I  do  considerable  proud  bed- 
make  with  swollen  quilts  of  mushy  silk  appear 
ance.  At  lastly  tomorrow  p.  m.  arrive  when 
Hon.  Mrs.  approach  up  to  me  and  say  with  com- 
mutor  language: 

"  Togo,"  she  say  it,  "  at  toot  of  2.22  train. 
Mrs.  &  Mr.  Axweilder  will  arrive  in  custody  of 
Hon.  Husband.  Kindly  to  hitch  down  Sarah, 
the  horse,  to  fashionable  bug-wagon  and  elope 
to  depot  with  coachman  expression." 

I  go  forthly  to  horse-garage  where  Hon. 
Sarah  stood  eating  his  oat.  So  I  hitched  it  and 
made  immediate  race-course  to  depot  where  I 
stood  proudly  clutching  harness  with  grand 
thumbs  resembling  Newport. 

Toot-toot  of  2.22!  Three  human  personali 
ties  eloped  forthly  from  Pullmanly  train.  One 
were  Hon.  Spiggott  appearing  full  of  courteous 
peev.  Another  was  one  enlarged  gentleman  of 
Republican  expression.  Another  were  a  very 
stretched  lady  whose  nose  contained  great  snob 
bery  amidst  eyeglass. 

"  It  are  such  pleasant  change  from  our  usual 
wealth  to  be  trotting  behind  mild  horseback  in 
stead  of  whizzing  as  usual  in  expensive  otto- 
mobiles,"  she  snuggest  swcetishly  as  we  jogg 
off. 

"  We  prefer  this  style  of  locomobile  because 


Togo  and  the  "  Weak-Enders  "    35 

of  its  health,"  growell  Hon.  Spiggott.  Yet  he 
attemp  to  appear  hospital. 

At  hallway  of  home  Hon.  Mrs.  Spiggott  were 
enwaiting  with  face  containing  smiles.  By  the 
cordial  of  her  behavior  you  would  think  she  was 
glad.  "  I  am  so  hilarious  to  see  you  including 
your  delicious  husband !  "  she  holla  with  soprano. 
Kissing  enjoyed. 

"  We  shall  have  such  unaccustomed  pleasure 
in  these  simple  surroundings !  "  notate  Mrs.  Ax- 
weilder. 

Mrs.  Spiggott  replied  by  looking  iced  with  her 
eyes. 

"  I  am  glad  you  have  came  on  such  an  amiable 
day  for  a  golluf  game !  "  deplore  Hon.  Spiggott 
putting  on  sporty  cap. 

"  Yes.  It  are  going  to  rain,"  say  Hon.  Ax- 
weilder  with  slump  voice. 

"  That  will  make  it  seem  more  Scottish,"  say 
Boss  man  cheerly. 

"  On  what  vacant  lot  have  you  room  to  play 
golluf  in  such  a  neighborhood  ?  "  require  Hon. 
Ax  while  they  depart  off  looking  dangerous  with 
clubs. 

"  This  evening,"  Mrs.  Spiggott  explain  to  Mrs. 
Axweilder,  "  we  are  determined  to  give  you 
dinner-party  to  include  Mrs.  &  Mr.  Washington 
Whack,  very  charmed  people  next  door." 

"  Are  they  related  to  the  Whacks  of  Tuxedo  ?  " 
Mrs.  Ax  cut  up. 

"  I  are  not  acquainted  with  their  geography," 
glub  Mrs.  Boss. 


36  Hashimura  Togo 

"  Unless  from  Tuxedo  they  cannot  live,"  de 
scribe  other  lady. 

Mrs.  Spiggott  reply  by  thinking  unpleasantly. 

"  Would  you  not  enjoy  slight  driveway  around 
neighborhood  for  observe  country  and  fresh 
air?  "  she  require  at  lastly,  as  soonly  as  her  voice 
ceased  freezing. 

"  I  am  always  fascinated  to  see  how  the  other 
YZ  lives,"  Mrs.  Axweilder  shoot  up. 

So  I  again  hitch  down  Sarah,  the  horse,  and 
forthly  we  trotted.  While  we  elope  past  sweet 
gardens  &  landscapes  that  visitor  continue 
gawsping :  "  Quaint !  How  comfort  people  can 
be  for  small  salaries !  " 

"  Many  persons  surrounding  here  are  top- 
high  aristocrats !  "  snarrel  Mrs.  Spiggott. 

"  Undoubtlessly !  "  snuggest  Mrs.  Ax.  "  My 
Uncle  Henry  lives  in  country  residence  contain 
ing  800  rooms." 

"  What  are  name  of  it — Sing  Sing?"  collapse 
Mrs.  Madam  with  sweetly  smiling. 

Mrs.  Axweilder  listen  without  hearing. 

At  lastly  we  arrive  up  to  Cemetery  View. 
Country  Club  for  slight  tea-drunk.  I  await  out 
side  nursing  Sarah,  the  horse,  for  considerable 
hour.  At  lastly  both  Mrs.  Ladies  approach  out 
ward  with  accompaniment  of  their  husbands  who 
smell  quite  highball.  Both  feminines  look  quite 
iced  as  we  go  homeward. 

At  lastly  was  dinner-time.  I  ceased  off  being 
coachman  and  became  waitress,  as  usual. 

"  We  only  attemp  small,  cozy  dinners  in  our 


Togo  and  the  "  Weak-Enders  "    37 

excluded  set,"  explan  Hon.  Mrs.  while  6  per 
sons  took  set-down  to  dinner. 

"  My  dining-room  contains  80  people,  mostly 
nobility,"  report  Mrs.  Axweilder  while  eating 
soup. 

Hon.  Mr.  Washington  Whack,  who  set  next 
by  her,  twist  off  his  shirt-button  from  excite 
ments.  While  doing  so  he  explain  how  his 
family  were  similarly  to  Whacks  of  Tuxedo. 
Hon.  Axweilder  refuse  to  speak  while  feeding 
his  indigestion.  Hon.  Spiggott  steam  up  his 
merriment  and  tell  college-bred  tales  about 
humor. 

When  all  foods  was  finished  all  retreated  to 
parlor  room  where  bridge-gamble  was  enjoyed 
till  late  night.  At  1.62  oclock  Mrs.  Axweilder 
call  Mrs.  Whack  an  Ace  &  Mrs.  Whack  reply 
peevly,  "  Renig !  "  full  of  scorns.  All  make  go- 
home  agreeing  how  enjoyment  that  evening  was. 

At  2. 1 1  clocktime,  while  those  Axweilders  was 
glad  go  bed,  Mrs.  &  Mr.  Spiggott  set  alonesome 
in  parlor  room  where  I  could  hear. 

"  Why  do  you  bring  those  buffalo  kittens  to 
rage  around  this  neighborhood  ? "  she  ask  it. 
"  One  day  more  and  I  shall  poison  their  foods." 

"  They  must  get  their  fresh  air  somewheres," 
he  reprieve. 

"  Why  should  they  spoil  ours  ?  "  she  snagger. 

"  I  admit  it,"  he  jar.  "  What  could  be  more 
disgusting  than  Hon.  Axweilder?" 

"  Hon.  Mrs.  Axweilder,"  say  her.  So  they 
go  bed  thinking  so. 


38  Hashimura  Togo 

Next  morning  were  churchtime. 

"  We  have  engaged  orchestra  seats  for  you  at 
church,"  repose  Mrs.  Madam.  "  It  will  be  great 
treat." 

"  What  denomino  church  is  it?  "  require  Hon. 
Axweilder. 

"  Methodist,"  say  her. 

"  We  never  go  Methodist,"  say  him.  "  We  are 
Osteopaths." 

"  Then  you  will  be  pleased  to  excuse  us,"  back 
fire  Hon.  Mrs.  with  smiling  glum.  "  We  dare 
not  neglect  religion  for  those  we  love." 

So  Hon.  Spiggotts  depart  for  church,  walking 
together  like  chorus  girls.  Hon.  Axweilders  re 
main  in  parlor  room  reading  pictures  in  comical 
supplement. 

"  Why  you  brought  me  to  this  disgustly 
place  ?  "  require  she  from  him. 

"  I  agree,"  he  snatch  back.  "  We  should  have 
more  fun  going  to  hospital." 

When  I  hear  this  repartee  I  step  forthly  into 
room  with  helpmeet  expression. 

"  Sweethearted  Weak-Enders,"  I  say  so,  "  ob 
tain  your  hats  and  baggages  with  immediate 
quickness  and  I  will  snuggle  you  away  from  here 
before  they  can  catch  you." 

"  What  you  mean  by  what  you  say  ?  "  they 
require. 

"  I  observe  how  you  suffer.  Therefore  I  help 
escape."  This  I  say. 

"  I  should  muchly  admire  to  go,"  he  croach, 


Togo  and  the  "  Weak-Enders  "    39 

"  yet  cannot  because  Hon.  Spiggotts  would  feel 
sad  to  lose  us." 

"  Your  sudden  depart  off  would  grieve  them 
even  less,"  I  tell.  "  Last  night  they  included  you 
among  buffaloes  and  mentioned  poison  while 
speaking  of  you. 

"  Oh ! !  "  Both  stand  up  on  their  stamping 
feet.  They  rosh  upstairs  for  bag.  They  rosh 
downstairs  with  it.  I  go  to  animal  garage  for 
hitch  down  Sarah. 

Pretty  soonly  church-bell  chime  forth  while 
Mrs.  &  Mr.  Spiggott  return  backwards  from 
there.  They  observe  their  weak-end  gasts  on 
porch. 

"  What — must  you  carry  yourselves  away  be 
fore  Monday  ?  "  require  Mrs.  Spiggott  for  sor 
row  voice. 

"  Your  poor  but  neat  home  is  no  place 
for  zoological  buffalos ! "  stroggle  Hon.  Mr. 
Ax. 

"  And  poisonous  food  might  be  expensive  from 
high  price  of  drugs  for  economical  persons," 
grubble  Hon.  Mrs.  Ax. 

"  Who  told  you  this  &  that  ?  "  narrate  those 
Spiggotts  shockly. 

'  Togo  did !  "  say  others. 

"  So  thanks !  "  she  say  so  for  sweetness  re 
sembling  flirtatious  snakes.  "  Please  continue 
your  usefulness,  Togo,  by  removing  my  happy 
company  in  time  to  catch  the  time-table." 

Soonly  I  arrive  up  to  porch-step  accompanied 
by  Sarah,  the  horse.  When  those  Weak-Enders 


40  Hashimura  Togo 

and  other  baggage  were  loaded  in,  Hon.  Mrs. 
Spiggott  spoke  furthermore. 

"Togo,"  she  pronounce,  "when  i.u  train 
arrives  up,  hitch  Sarah  to  the  depot  and  con 
tinue  traveling  by  rail  with  my  dearie  friends 
who  can  doubtlessly  afford  to  hire  you  among 
their  expensive  servants." 

So  I  spanked  up  Sarah  with  expression  of  one 
seeking  employment  where  he  is  not  needed. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

.Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


V 
Togo  Swats  the  Fly 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeeper  Magazine,  noble 
editor  who  make  fly-chasing  delightful  among 
national  sports. 

DEAR  SIR :— Last  Wedsday  midnight  p.  m. 
were  historical  date  when  I  bade  sad  kiss- 
a-by  to  employment  from  home  of  Mrs. 
K.  W.  Pumphrey,  North  Bourbon,  Ky.  This 
were  too  bad  accident  from  my  helplessness. 

When  I  enter  this  sweethearted  home  Hon. 
Mrs.  Pumphrey  say  me,  "  Togo,"  she  relate,  "  I 
am  most  particular  about  flies." 

"  I  am  sure  you  must  raise  some  delicious 
varieties  of  these  live  stock,"  I  collapse  for 
chivalry. 

"  O  not  to  do !  "  she  renig  hashly.  "  I  would 
sooner  have  a  tiger  in  my  home  than  a  fly." 

"  A  tiger  might  be  more  noisy,"  I  negotiate. 

"  A  tiger  merely  contains  six  claws  in  his 
feet,"  she  snagger,  "  while  a  fly  got  10,000 
scratchers  each  containing  10,000,000  germs. 
From  this  you  can  estimate." 

I  attemp  to  do  so  until  fatigued. 

"  From  national  science  report  arranged  by 
41 


42  Hashimura  Togo 

boss  doctor  of  John  Hopsmith  University  I  learn 
considerable  valuable  diseases  which  come  from 
flies.  Asthma,  miasma,  phantasma,  connection 
of  the  menbranes,  loss  of  memory,  worms  (hook, 
book  &  ring)  hydrophobia,  anglophobia,  colic, 
bibliography,  and  jaw-lock.  All  these  are 
brought  to  homes  from  footprints  of  this  poison 
ous  bird." 

"  They  should  not  be  permitted  to  fly,"  I  abhor. 

"  It  is  not  when  they  fly  they  are  harmful. 
They  do  the  damage  when  they  land,"  she  tell. 

"  In  this  they  are  similar  to  aeroplanes,"  I 
snuggest. 

"  Perhapsly !  "  she  combust.  "  At  any  rates, 
I  give  you  instructions.  Whenever  you  see  a 
fly,  track  him  to  his  hole  and  shoe  him  at 
once." 

"  Only  horse-flies  can  be  shoed,"  I  determi 
nate. 

She  could  not  assimilate  this  reply  I  said. 

"  Whenever  I  see  flies,"  she  say  furthermore, 
"  I  shodder,  not  so  much  for  self  &  husband  as 
for  dearie  Baby  Alexander,  who  are  endanger." 

"  Expect  me  to  fear  nothing  including  flies," 
I  narrate  cruelly  like  a  Samurai. 

Mr.  Editor,  when  housewifely  lady  got  fears 
for  something  she  got  it  even  when  it  are  not 
there.  I  once  did  kitchen  labor  for  one  lady 
who  imagine  tramps  was  somewhere  all  time. 
When  grocer  arrive  with  order  expression,  she 
holla,  "  Tramp !  "  till  he  say  otherwise.  She  yall, 
"  Tramp  1  "  when  welcoming  book-agent  peddle^ 


Togo  Swats  the  Fly  43 

man  come.  One  day  gentleman  in  very  tired- 
looking  clothes  arrive  up  to  door.  She  screech, 
"  Tramp !  "  and  quench  him  with  hose-water. 
"  I  am  preacher,"  he  yellup.  "  I  thought  you 
was  tramp,"  she  oblige.  "  At  my  salary  I 
should  be,"  he  negotiate  while  walking  away- 
ward. 

Thusly  it  were  with  Hon.  Mrs.  Pumphrey 
about  flies.  Each  morning  she  examine  fly-paper 
lovingly  like  mariners  studying  charts. 

"  How  much  flies  we  caught  this  a.  m.,  Togo  ?  " 
she  ask  it. 

"  Six,"  I  say  it.  "  Five  house  and  one  butter." 

"  Unloosen  Hon.  Butterfly,"  she  dement. 
"  We  should  not  punish  nature's  lovely  insex 
becouse  of  sins  of  others." 

So  I  grabb  that  lovely  insex  and  attemp  re 
move  him  from  his  sticky  toes.  But  when  I  done 
so  he  turn  meanly  and  bit  me  on  thumb  with 
hot  end  of  his  poison  tail. 

"  That  butterfly  are  a  wasp !  "  I  lecture  amid 
Japanese  word  curse. 

"  Wasps  does  little  harm,"  she  say  sweetishly. 

"  What  little  they  does  can  be  noticed  imme 
diately,"  I  snarrel. 

And  so  onwards. 

After  2^2  days  of  continuous  flymanship  I  be 
come  extremely  skilful  in  murder.  My  ears  be 
came  very  bright  by  listening  for  flies.  At  dis 
tance  of  66  ft.  I  could  hear  Hon.  Fly  walking  up 
windows.  Then  was  time  for  me.  My  eye 
brows  containing  gunpowder  expression  peculiar 


44  Hashimura  Togo 

to  Bwana  Tumbo,  I  hide  behind  curtain-shade 
with  cruel  hand  containing  swat-stick.  Hon. 
Fly  approach,  little  imagining.  Now  and  occa 
sionally  he  stop  and  rubb  his  mittens  together 
so  they  will  be  more  ready  to  catch  more  dis 
eases.  Still  I  await.  Of  suddenly  I  arise  uply, 
silently  like  eels  drinking  milk.  And  then. 
Swatts ! ! ! 

By  this  warfare  I  broke  considerable  flies  and 
other  dishes. 

Hon.  Pumphrey,  husband,  come  home  saying 
scorn  about  flies. 

"  What  are  so  fatalistic  about  this  bug  all  of 
a  suddenly?  "  he  ask  it.  "  In  childhood  of  youth 
I  was  affectionately  acquainted  with  flies.  While 
enjoying  cradle-ride  of  infancy,  flies  was  allowed 
to  buzz  round  my  head  like  angel  whispers.  And 
yet  I  live." 

"  Man  who  talk  like  that  never  had  any  in 
fancy,"  snagger  Hon.  Mrs.  with  peev. 

"If  folks  in  this  neighborhood  could  pay  less 
attention  to  screen  door  and  more  to  window- 
lock  there  would  be  less  burglary,"  he  otter.  "  6 
homes  has  been  burglarized  while  everybody  was 
busy  snubbing  flies." 

He  remove  one  enlarged  coltish  revolver  filled 
with  bullets  and  lay  him  doggishly  on  table. 

"O!!!"    This  from  Hon.  Mrs. 

"  While  you  are  executing  flies  I  shall  muti 
late  burglars,"  he  narrate  with  militia  voice. 
"  And  let  us  see  who  gets  it  first." 

"  Kindly  not  to  point  him  this  way  while  doing 


Togo  Swats  the  Fly  45 

so,"  elocute  Hon.  Mrs.  Madam  looking  calm 'but 
nervus. 

Another  weeks  go  by  and  I  am  very  much  em 
bossed  in  my  work.  Once  in  occasionally  Hon. 
Fly  come  walking  into  home  on  deceptive  wings, 
yet  I  pursue.  Sometime  I  make  masher  motion 
with  broom  &  impale  him  flat  against  wall. 
Other  time  I  allure  him  gently  with  towl  so  he 
flop  to  fly-paper  where  his  feetsteps  becomes 
glue. 

Once  Hon.  Fly  alight  downward  on  Baby 
Alexander  nose,  shaking  his  cruel  feet,  intending 
to  leave  10,000  symptoms.  Spank!  I  capitulate 
that  insex  by  stroking  Hon.  Baby  on  head  with 
apron.  Yet  he  cry  without  thanks  for  my 
bravery. 

At  lastly  that  house  were  so  scarce  of  flies 
you  could  not  find  him  without  advertising.  All 
day,  while  not  sweeping  other  rugs,  I  search  back 
&  forthly  with  cruel  fly-spank.  Yet  never  a  buzz 
was  there.  Such  was  accomplishment  of  my 
great  science. 

Night  of  Wedsday  approach  up.  When  din 
ner-eat  was  accomplished  and  dish-wash  cere 
mony  done  up,  my  Cousin  Nogi  arrive  to  kitchen 
for  make  conversation  from  Japanese  politics 
while  eating  cake,  kindness  of  Mrs.  Pumphrey 
who  didn't  know  it.  Lateness  of  hour  arrive. 
When  time  of  11.63  P-  m-  come,  Nogi  make 
sleepy  go-home  while  I  emerge  to  my  bedroom 
expecting  tomorrow,  as  usual. 

I  light  gass.     What  was?     Buzz!     Ah,  Hon. 


'46  Hashimura  Togo 

Fly,  where  was  it?  I  turn  my  eyesight  behind 
window-curtain — and  sure  enough  !  There  stood 
one  entirely  enlarged  buzzer  washing  his  front 
thumbs. 

With  sneekret  expression  I  borrow  slipper 
from  myself  and  stole  forth.  Crouches.  Of 
finally,  when  Hon.  Fly  seem  to  be  looking  at 
his  nose,  I  lep.  Bangs!  Yet  he  was  too  soon. 
He  flew  uply,  aeroplaned  circular  for  moments, 
and  then — when  less  expected — start  to  fly  out 
ward  through  door. 

O!!  This  escape  must  not!  Slightly  down 
hallway  were  child-room  where  Hon.  Baby  Alex 
ander  layed  enjoying  innocent  nightmares.  That 
fly  must  not  arrive  there  to  sting  him  with  medi 
cal  diseases.  If  no  hero  was  there  to  save  him 
who  must?  I  must! 

Therefore  I  rosh  forwards  with  slippershoe  in 
my  Samurai  thumbs.  With  talented  stroke  of 
match  I  lit  gass.  O  yes !  There  were  Hon.  Fly 
snuggling  in  air  right  over  eyebrow  of  that  in 
fantile.  I  make  talented  swing  to  lash  him  with 
slipper,  yet  he  were  too  collusive  for  me.  Ere 
I  could  brush  him  dead  he  make  slippery-wing 
motion  &  flew  to  window-curtain  where  he  hide 
shyly  like  poets  avoiding  praise. 

I  should  get  him  yet!  I  crouch  downly,  my 
slipper  raised  uply.  But  while  I  do  so— O  look ! 
Who  there? 

Standing  distinctually  in  doorway  of  child- 
room  I  observe  Hon.  Mr.  Pumphrey  standing 
like  a  cold  ghost  in  pajamas.  And  in  his  right- 


Togo  Swats  the  Fly  47 

hand  finger  he  held  that  enlarged  coltish  revolver. 

"What  is?"  he  whasper  ghastly. 

"  I  chase  one  in  here !  "  I  gollup.  "  He  are 
now  coyly  hiding  behind  curtain  of  window." 

"  Were  he  stealing  my  child  ?  "  gawsp  him. 

"Not  yet  but  maybe,"  I  narrate. 

"Wait  while  I  shoot,"  he  narrate  while  mak 
ing  target  movement. 

"  Ah  not !  "  I  holla.  "  Permit  me  to  do  so. 
I  have  killed  several  with  slippers." 

"  How  foolhardened  is  courage !  "  he  stotter 
while  I  lep  forwards.  Swatts ! !  with  dareless 
heel  of  slipper-shoe  I  collided  Hon.  Fly  so  cer 
tainly  that  he  broke  and  fell  amidst  dead  kicks. 
Prides  filled  my  lungs.  Joyly  I  reach  downly, 
and  pick  Hon.  Fly  by  fingers. 

"  I  save  your  child  without  expense !  "  I  nat 
uralize.  "  Here  is !  " 

"  Here  is  what  ?  "  he  require,  peevly  chewing 
his  breath. 

"  Hon.  Fly,"  I  reject,  like  militia. 

"  You  mean  say  you  approach  in  here  so 
stealthly  at  midnights  for  catch  flies  ? "  This 
from  him  with  flashes. 

"I  say  it!" 

"  Great  Scotch !  And  I  thought  it  was  a  bur 
glar  !  "  he  say  disappointly. 

"  So  sorry  I  could  not  find  one,"  I  gosp. 

Hon.  Mrs.  Pumphrey  come  in  while  she 
fainted  away. 

"  Next  time  you  come  into  my  Baby's  room 
don't  do  so !  "  she  snarrel. 


48  Hashimura  Togo 

"  Mrs.  Madam,"  I  decry,  "  how  can  you  talk 
so  crosswise?  You  tell  me  how  slaughter  flies 
for  their  rattlesnakish  crimes,  yet  you  say  scolds 
when  I  do  so." 

"  Midnight  is  not  fly-time,"   she  narrate. 

"  Maybe  you  are  enraged  because  it  were  not 
a  burglar,"  I  snuggest.  "  Yet  what  is  more 
horble  to  have  in  house  than  a  fly  ? " 

"  A  Japanese  foolboy  is !  "  corrode  Hon.  Mrs. 
&  Mr.  in  together  voice  while  dejecting  me  out 
side  of  screen  door  where  I  still  remain,  feeling 
quite  dissolute. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


VI 
Togo  Sails  for  Bargains 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeeper  Magazine  who 
tell  all  American  ladies  what  to  wear,  but  neglect 
to  explan  where  they  can  buy  it. 

DEAR  SIR: — I  am  now  entirely  missed 
from  West  Dewberry,  Mass,  near  Bos 
ton  where  it  is.  Reason  for  this  are  dis 
similarity  of  intellect  caused  by  Hon.  Mrs.  Violet 
Sweet,  lovely  lady  with  Harvard  voice  and  bar 
gain  arrangement  of  soul.  I  show  you  how  was : 

Last  Thusday  in  the  early  a.  m.  of  forenoon 
this  Hon.  Mrs.  Sweet  was  setting  with  Boston 
news-print  reading  it  up. 

"  Oh !  "    This  from  her. 

"  What  is  ?  "  I  require  chivalrously  standing 
near  respectful  carpet-sweep. 

"  Great  sales  are  sailing  in  all  Dept  Stores ! 
With  immediate  quickness  I  must  depart  off  and 
buy  one." 

"Can  you  afford  this  extravagance?  I  ask  to 
know. 

"  In  buying  bargains  I  never  consider  costs," 
she  dib  with  mustard  voice. 

She  depart  offwards  up  stairs.    Pretty  soonly 

49 


50  Hashimura  Togo 

she  return  backwards  wearing  fashionable  hob 
ble  of  clothing. 

"  Togo,"  she  say  for  gently  smiling,  "  how  you 
like  take  vacation  to  day  ?  " 

"  This  would  be  good  healthy  for  me." 

"  I  generously  grant  this  rest  to  you,"  she  ac 
knowledge.  "  All  I  require  you  to  do  is  to  come 
Boston  with  me  &  carry  whatever  shopping  I 
buy." 

I  am  much  obliged.  So  we  depart  off  by  railroad 
trolley  while  I  carry  suit-case,  cloak,  handbag  & 
umburella  on  my  polite  elbow.  She  set  proud- 
ishly  in  cars  while  I  obtain  rearward  seat  behind 
her.  Pretty  soonly  Hon.  Conductor  encroach  to 
her  with  carfare  expression. 

"  I  require  transfers,  if  convenient,"  she  com 
mute. 

"  Not  to  do,  Hon.  Lady !  "  reproach  Hon.  Con 
ductor.  "  We  never  give  transfer  on  cars  of 
green  complexion." 

"  I  shall  report  your  backward  talk,"  she  snib. 

Pretty  soonly  she  make  turn-around  to  me. 

"  Pass  me  hand-bag ! "  she  say  so.  I  donate 
that  leather  implement. 

She  open  him  up  and  seek  inside  with  nervous 
expression  of  fingers. 

"You  lost  it?"  I  ask  to  know. 

"  I  cannot  dishcover  my  golden  vain-box  where 
it  is !  "  she  holla,  making  more  looks  inside.  Ec- 
citement.  "O  here  is!"  she  exclam,  bringing 
up  one  slight  box  resembling  golden  cake  of  soap. 
She  open  Hon.  Suit-case,  remove  powder  puff 


Togo  Sails  for  Bargains         51 

and  make  slight  smudge  to  nose  with  that  de 
licious  feather.  Then  she  put  him  back  in  box, 
close  box,  imprison  him  in  bag,  close  bag  and 
hand  him  to  me. 

"  Give  me  suit-case,"  she  pronounce.  I  poke 
forth  that  valuable  arcticle.  She  open  him  by 
brass  clasp. 

"Where  are  my  hand-bag?"  she  require  for 
frights. 

"  Here  is !  "  I  renig.  She  open  him  up  to  see 
if  Hon.  Vain  Box  are  still  comfortable,  then 
close  him,  drop  him  in  Hon.  Suit-case,  and 
thrust  him  backwards  to  me. 

Pretty  soonly  we  make  changecar  at  Porter 
house  Junction.  We  make  step-up  into  red 
headed  street-car  what  await  there. 

"  Carfare !  "  holla  Hon.  Conductor  with  police 
expression. 

"  Give  transfers  to  this  gentleman ! "  she  re 
quire  from  me  where  I  sat  back. 

"  Hon.  Conductor  neglect  to  give  us  that 
paper ! "  I  negotiate.  Her  eyes  was  full  of 
vinegar. 

"  How  dares  you  talk  repartee  after  losing 
transfers?"  she  denote.  So  she  give  loc  ex 
travagant  cash  to  Hon.  Conductor. 

Nextly  we  came  to  Boston.  Hon.  Mrs.  Sweet 
make  her  feet  very  determined  and  at  lastly  we 
arrive  to  a  swollen  building  containing  glass  win 
dows  full  of  wax  ladies  resembling  Newport. 
Hon.  Mrs.  Boss  say  "  Oh !  "  with  raptures  and 
emerge  inside. 


52  Hashimura  Togo 

Mr.  Editor,  I  never  observed  so  many  ladies 
walking  circular  as  was  inside  that  Hon.  Dept 
Store.  Wholesale  quantities  of  female  people 
was  rushing  elsewheres  like  Suffragettes  who  lost 
their  general. 

In  the  meanwhiles  Hon.  Mrs.  Boss  were  some- 
wheres.  I  could  not  tell.  For  26  complete  min 
utes  I  make  search-up  while  being  knocked  in 
both  directions.  At  lastly  I  dishcover  her  by 
enlarged  counter  full  of  blue  polka-dots  contain 
ing  label,  "  DRESS  SILK  ic^c." 

"  Togo,"  she  exclam,  "  where  are  my  money?" 

"  No  got,"  I  narrate.  Her  nose  grew  an 
gry. 

"  Are  you  so  unintellectual  that  you  do  not 
know  my  money  is  in  my  purse  in  my  handbag 
in  my  suit-case  ?  " 

I  give  her  Hon.  Suit-case,  feeling  very  sorry 
for  my  depravity. 

Nextly  we  descend  up  elevator.  On  next  floor 
I  observed  a  warfare.  Surrounding  one  enlarged 
sign  pronouncing  "  Great  Slaughter  of  Waists." 
Hon.  Mrs.  Sweet  see  this  and  holla,  "  O  such 
happy  bargain !  "  Then  she  make  inrush  while 
acting  like  a  mob. 

She  attempt  to  remove  one  refined  clothing 
away  from  a  fatty  lady  whose  hat  was  rye  on 
her  head. 

"  Where  you  come  from  to  act  so  Indian  ?  " 
require  Hon.  Mrs.  Fattish. 

"From  West  Dewberry,  Mass.,  more  better 
place  than  you !  "  snib  Hon.  Mrs.  Boss. 


Togo  Sails  for  Bargains         53 

"  I  shall  teach  you  some  manners/'  report  Hon. 
Fattish  making  tug- jerk  to  waist. 

I  could  not  see  that  dear  Mrs.  Sweet  thusly 
deposed  upon,  so  I  stand  forth  with  upturned 
bundle. 

"  Stop  off ! "  I  holla  to  this  wide  woman. 
"  How  darest  you  be  rude  to  a  lady  ?  " 

Hon.  Mrs.  Boss  and  Hon.  Mrs.  Stout  stand 
offward  and  look  to  me. 

"  Togo,"  ensnap  Mrs.  Violet  Sweet,  "  when 
you  are  called  on  you  shall  be  called." 

So  I  withdrew  backwards  and  permit  her  to 
finish  that  slaughter  alone.  Again  she  requesh 
me  for  handbag.  I  donate  it  to  her. 

"  I  shall  keep  it,"  she  dib.  "  You  are  not  safe 
with  valuable  accumulations." 

So  she  give  me  one  more  swollen  bundle  for 
carry  and  proceed  onwards. 

"  Where  I  shall  find  dish-pan,  curling-iron 
and  latest  fiction-book  bargain  ?  "  she  require  of 
Hon.  Floorwalk. 

"  Three  floor  down-side  take  elevator,"  he 
computate.  We  do  so  and  arrive  there  where 
numerous  sell-ladies  was  there  making  society 
conversation  and  other  crashes  of  hardwear. 
Hon.  Mrs.  Sweet  buy  dish-pan,  price  I3^c.  I 
carry  this.  She  obtain  pat  toaster,  bird-cage  & 
complete  written  books  of  Hon.  Rud  Kipling.  I 
hang  those  to  myself. 

"  Where  I  find  millinary  hats?  "  she  ask  out  to 
Hon.  Sell  lady. 

"  Top  floor  go  upwards,"  she  indicate. 


54  Hashimura  Togo 

We  do  so.  I  stand  back  at  respectable  dis 
tance  holding  Hon.  Bundle-package  with  fa 
tigued  elbows  resembling  Santa  Claus.  Hon. 
Mrs.  set  befront  of  mirror-glass  attempting  to. 
make  herself  look  Vanderbilt  for  $3.29  price. 
She  try  hat  with  roosters  pointing  upwards. 

"  You  look  very  swelled  for  the  price,"  say 
Hon.  Sell  Lady. 

"  Took  it  away !  "  commit  Hon.  Mrs.  She  try 
hat  with  roosters  dropping  downwards. 

"  So  joyful  appearance !  "  suppose  Hon.  Sell 
Lady. 

"  Remove  it !  "  snib  Hon.  Mrs. 

At  lastly  she  choose  hatwear  with  roosters  sur 
rounding  it  in  circles.  Hon.  Sell  Lady  enwrap 
it  in  box  resembling  trunk  and  this  are  piled  on 
top  of  me.  Thusly  we  start  homewards. 

At  doorway  Hon.  Mrs.  say, 

"  Oh !  I  must  buy  a  pin,  price  3C !  "  She  elope 
to  counter  and  do  so. 

Mr.  Editor  do  you  realize  to  know  how  diffi 
cult  a  pin  can  be?  For  41  complete  minutes  we 
await  that  important  sticker,  then  Hon.  Mrs. 
must  change  $5  bill  for  remove  3c  change  out. 
At  lastly  when  we  arrive  to  trolley  outside,  Hon. 
Mrs.  require, 

"Togo,  shopping  are  very  outwearing  work." 

"  I  heard  so,"  was  loud  report  for  me  while 
restraining  Hon.  Hat  Box  where  he  slid  on  my 
ear. 

At  lastly  we  was  in  Porterhouse  Junction  set- 


Togo  Sails  for  Bargains         55 

ting  in  depot  awaiting  changecar.  Of  suddenly 
Hon.  Mrs.  holla, 

"  Oh ! ! !  " 

"  What  was  ?  "  This  from  me. 

"  I  have  lost  Hon.  Handbag.  Elope  back  to 
Dept  Store  with  immediate  quickness  and  re 
move  it  from  pin-counter  where  is." 

I  set  down  all  them  bundles  in  pile  resem 
bling  an  Alp.  Then  I  attach  myself  to  Hon. 
Trolley  and  ride  back  to  where  she  say. 

With  Samurai  elbows  I  sidle  myself  through 
them  broad  ladies  in  Dept  Store  and  arrive 
up  at  pin-place.  Oh  Yes !  There  were  that  dear 
Handbag  laying  loosely  amidst  pile  of  needles 
signed  "  4c."  I  pick  him  up  and  start  offwards. 

While  I  was  debutting  out  of  door  with  Hon. 
Handbag  on  my  proud  wrist,  one  gentleman  clasp 
me  by  coat. 

"  You  are  a  shop  snatcher !  "  he  acknowledged 
glubly. 

"  I  cannot  assimulate  your  insult,"  I  renig. 

"  Where  you  obtain  Hon.  Bag?"  he  snuggle. 

"  He  belong  Hon.  Mrs.  Boss  who  is  there !  " 
I  snagger. 

"  Come  long  to  penitentiary ! "  he  gubble, 
making  dragging  movements  with  my  wrists. 

"  Hara  kiri !  "  I  yall,  and  before  he  could  be 
more  abominable  I  give  him  jiu  jitsu  and  knock 
him  over  a  bargain.  Then  I  commence  eloping 
away  with  talented  foot-steps. 

"  Stop  Mr.  Thief !  "  several  human  persons 
holla,  and  nextly  I  knew  I  were  a  runaway  with 


56  Hashimura  Togo 

Boston  attempting  to  catch  up.  I  am  a  very 
sly  Japanese,  Mr.  Editor,  and  when  I  was  suffi 
ciently  entangled  amidst  streets  I  redoubled  on 
myself  and  escape  away  to  other  sections  o£ 
Boston  where  crimes  was  not  noticed.  2  com 
plete  hour  of  time  I  hid  there  amongst  flats. 
Then  I  emerge  forth  and  catch  redheaded  trol 
ley  so  I  should  meet  Hon.  Mrs.  at  Porterhouse 
Junction. 

"Why  you  not  stay  all  day?"  she  require 
sarcastly. 

"  Should  gladly  do  so,  but  Hon.  Police  pre 
vent,"  I  advocate. 

"You  got  my  handbag  where  was?" 

"  Yes,  please !  "  I  gave  it  forth  to  her.  She 
look  at  it  with  disjointed  eyes. 

"  Living  sakes ! ! ! '     This  from  her.     She  en- 

J*oy  deep  gasp  and  faint  off.    By  slight  water-sip 
revive  her  back. 

"  Damaged   remnant  of  heathenish   immigra 
tion  ! "    she    gollup,    holding    forth    Hon.    Bag. 
"  Where  you  snatch  this  article  of  luggage  ?  " 
"Off  from  Hon.  Pin-Counter,"  I  say  so. 
"I  never  seen  it  before.     It  belong  to  some 
one  else!" 

Thusly  revolving  she  fainted  out  again.     So 
I  left  her  to  enjoy  it  by  herself  and  sklunk  away 
feeling  entirely  impossible. 
Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  Toco. 


VII 
Togo  in  Bachelor's  Hall 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeeper  Magazine,  who 
must  believe  in  shooing  bachelors  from  neat 
homes  with  other  Hies  and  mice. 

DEAR  MR.  SIR :— If  you  make  inquiry  for 
me  at  home  of  Hon.  C.  J.  McGumm,  Phila 
delphia,  N.  J.,  please  do  not  go  there,  be 
cause  needless  to  find  me  where  I  no  longer  am. 
I  changed  my  mind  from  that  job  of  employment 
for  reason  I  say  here. 

Hon.  Mrs.  C.  J.  McGumm  are  blondface  lady 
of  considerable  young  years  and  very  goodhouse- 
keeping  mind.  Her  Hon.  Husband  (of  similar 
name)  are  the  only  untidiness  she  cannot  sweep 
off  from  carpet  when  attacking  cleanliness. 

"  Why  are  you  so  rubbish,  Hon.  Darling?  "  she 
require  each  nightfall  when  he  retreat  home  from 
office  with  tired  business  appearance.  "  When 
you  are  in  house  all  furniture  cease  to  act  obe 
dient  like  it  should  and  everything  become  de 
ranged  apart.  Door-knob  then  become  hat-rack 
for  your  derby,  your  coat  wanders  to  sofa  and 
fall  asleep,  while  shoes  will  be  found  under  piano 
kicking  mud." 

57 


58  Hashimura  Togo 

He  act  entirely  sugar  to  her.  He  reply  to  her 
inquiries  by  kissing  expression  of  mustache,  and 
they  talk  dove-dove  language,  which  explain 
everything  by  not  doing  so. 

But  at  lastly  explodes  came. 

"Must  marriage  always  be  a  cyclone?"  she 
require  one  morning  a.  m.  when  he  threw  news 
paper  in  gas-log  with  negligee  expression. 

"  Hon.  Heartsweet !  "  he  snuggest,  "  I  wish 
be  comfortable  in  my  own  home." 

"  So  ha !  "  Weeps  enjoyed  by  her.  "  Then 
you  do  not  love  me  some  more !  " 

"Why  is?"  he  repostulate.  "Must  I  prove 
adoration  by  acting  miserable  around  house?  " 

"  You  are  becoming  more  detached  from  me 
each  day,  I  notice,"  she  lamentalize.  "  I  can  tell 
by  your  easy,  smiling  manner  that  you  think  of 
me  too  seldom.  You  break  my  house  rules  con 
tinuously.  Instead  of  setting  in  hard,  cheap 
chairs,  you  occupy  wedding  plush  rocker,  price 
50$,  which  should  be  used  only  by  society  when 
it  calls ;  you  make  smoke-cigar  whenever  you  feel 
smoky;  all  time  you  read  prize-fight  instead  of 
talking  love  to  me,  and  each  meal  you  demand 
apple  pie  with  insurgent  expression." 

"  But  I  like  apple  pie,"  he  snuggest. 

"  Formerly  you  loved  nothing  but  me,"  she 
snatch.  "  Now  you  forget  you  are  married." 

"  Must  I  refuse  to  eat  because  married  ?  "  he 
snagger  doggishly. 

"  So  ha !  "  she  dib  for  pain.  "  If  that  is  where 
your  thoughts  are  staying,  then  all  must  cease. 


Togo  in  Bachelor's  Hall         59 

Farebye!  Henceforthly  you  shall  find  me  % 
Mother." 

She  arrange  hat  with  traveling  expression  and 
make  bang-out  from  door. 

While  she  depart  off  Hon.  McGumm  stand 
by  window-glass  looking  very  Romeo.  Sadness 
showed  from  his  ears  and  chin.  Then  suddenly 
he  resolve  around,  making  humorous  smiles  re 
sembling  tickled  hyenas. 

"  Ha,  ha,"  he  say  so.  "  Tee  Hee  and  Ho.  She 
imagines  to  think  home  cannot  be  properly 
heated  without  a  woman.  She  thinks  shucks. 
Togo,  we  show  her  how.  We  shall  now  run 
this  house  man-style  instead  of  lady-style. 
Bachelor  Hall  are  only  proper  residence  for  male 
gentlemen." 

"  I  am  agreeable  for  this,"  I  report  fearlessly. 
"  How  should  we  begin  changing  the  sex  of  this 
home?" 

"  Signs  of  refinement  should  be  removed  with 
immediate  quickness,"  he  devolve.  "  Remove 
ribbons  &  home-sweet-home  portraits  from  wall 
and  order  6  cases  beer.  In  attic  you  shall  find 
complete  college-boy  outfit  of  Indiana  clubs,  box- 
gloves,  and  love-me  pictures.  These  shall  be  ar 
ranged  in  parlor  to  resemble  saloon  and  other 
outdoor  sports.  Prepare  for  dinner-eat  tonight 
10  Ibs.  complete  beefsteak  &  9  apple  pies,  served 
with  poker-chips  and  onions.  To  night  at  7  p. 
m.  I  shall  give  annual  banquet  to  members  of 
Yamma  Yamma  Fraternity  of  which  I  was  a 
joiner  in  days  of  manhood." 


60  Hashimura  Togo 

"  I  shall  do  so  with  all  the  crudeness  of  my 
nature,"  I  alarm. 

"  Banzai  &  hurrah !  We  are  free !  "  holla  Hon. 
McGumm  while  he  depart  to  office  looking  happy 
but  lonesome. 

Mr.  Editor,  you  scarcely'  could  imagine  how  I 
work  to  make  that  tender  home  look  tough.  Up 
in  top-garret  I  find  considerable  Yale  tools.  One 
university  row-paddle,  6  box-gloves,  college  pen 
dulums  with  hurrah-rah  signatures  on  it,  por 
traits  of  class  days,  dogs,  chorus-girls,  and  other 
prizefights  all  signed  "  To  Darling  Chas."  Also 
several  German-speaking  beer-gobblers  and  one 
landscape  representing  Hon.  Gaby  des  Lys  at  a 
horse-race. 

I  fetch  these  to  downstairs. 

From  parlor-room  I  took  considerable  art,  rep 
resenting  several  mother-portraits,  portrait  of 
"  Innocence "  representing  childhood  playing 
romp,  portraits  of  an  Alp  by  Aunt  Sapho  Lutz 
and  considerable  photo  of  McGumm  uncles  en 
larged  from  their  ancestry.  Also  fire-scree'n  con 
taining  gilt,  and  tidy-cloth  embroidered  with  ar 
tistic  yarn.  Also  red  splush  albuum  and  several 
framed-up  mottos  from  Shakespeare,  Elb  Hub- 
bard  &  Genesis. 

I  fetch  these  to  upstairs. 

With  considerable  talent  resembling  dry-goods 
draping  windows,  I  derange  decorations  for  that 
parlor-room.  I  pile  beer-bottles  to  piano  and 
fill  jardenair  with  cigars.  A  rude  house  motto 
reporting  "  CAMELS  ONLY  DRINK  ONCE 


Togo  in  Bachelor's  Hall         61 

IN  78  DAYS  BUT  ENJOY  IT  LONG  TIME" 
I  sat  on  mantelpiece  where  portrait  of  Hon. 
Ralph  Woodrow  Emerson  once  were.  Hon. 
Punch  Bag  I  roped  from  chandeleer,  while  land 
scapes  representing  actor-ladies,  dogs  and  other 
glee  clubs  I  disarranged  esthetically  where  was. 
I  set  parlor  table  with  food-plates  and  decorate 
him  in  central  middle  with  box-gloves  and  col 
lege  pendulum  containing  joy-cries.  Poker-chips 
by  each  plate. 

That  room  look  considerable  unmarried  when 
I  finish  him. 

At  promptness  of  six  o'clock  I  elope  to  kitchen 
and  commence  mingling  steak  with  onions.  At 
6.22  I  hear  war-song  resembling  feetball,  and, 
peaking  fourth  from  kitchen,  I  observe  Hon.  C. 
J.  McGumm  bringing  home  a  Varsity. 

"  You  remember  that  dreary  date  of  '99  when 
I  bursted  your  collar-bone  ?  "  require  one  polar- 
bearish  gentleman  hugging  Hon.  McGumm  till 
I  heard  him  crack. 

"  Them  were  hilarious  days,"  commute  Hon. 
Boss.  "  Let  us  give  rah-rah." 

They  do  so,  while  plaster  jar  loose  from  spoken 
song. 

When  I  fetch  forth  raw  steak  and  apple  pie, 
all  require,  "  What  the  matter  with  Togo  ?  " 

"  Nothing,  no  more  than  usual,"  I  snop  for 
dignity.  This  seem  to  make  them  still  more 
thirsty,  so  beer  was  sipped  amidst  Yamma 
Yamma  congratulations.  That  ceremony  were 


62  Hashimura  Togo 

done  very  quietly  while  tablecloth  was  burning 
from  heated  cigarette. 

"  There  was  nothing  to  equal  bachelor  enjoy 
ment,"  explain  Hon.  C.  J.  McGumm  while  doing 
so. 

"  Nothing,"  report  one  Taft-shape  athlete.  "  I 
announce  my  engagement  to  Miss  Tessie  Dew 
berry." 

"  We  also  shall  marry  in  springtime,"  pro 
nounce  2  others  distinctually.  Slight  glum  settle 
over  all  until  basso  quartet  make  song-sing  en 
titled  "  Soldier's  Farewell,"  which  add  more 
jolly. 

"  Let  us  play  penny-aunty  as  in  oldtime  date," 
snuggest  Hon.  Boss.  So  they  do  so  with  con 
siderable  card. 

Mr.  Editor,  I  cannot  understand  this  gambol. 
It  are  like  golf,  a  game  spoken  in  a  foreign 
language. 

Considerable  pile-up  of  poker-chip  was  en 
joyed  while  one  man  say  "  I  see  you !  "  yet  look 
other  way.  They  set  for  long  lateness  gossiping 
about  Aunty  amidst  click-click  noise.  It  seem 
very  tame  exercise,  less  cruel  than  feetballing, 
but  more  expensive. 

By  one  a.  m.  time  my  eyes  got  hypnotized 
from  watching  this  straight-flushing  amusement, 
so  I  retired  my  head  on  chair  and  slept  away. 

At  3  a.  m.  by  clockwork,  I  awoke  upwards 
with  basso  quartet  retreating  off  with  song-sing 
entitled  "  Good-night,  Lady !  "  Yet  I  could  not 
see  her. 


Togo  in  Bachelor's  Hall         63 

Next  morning  8  a.  m.  Hon.  Boss  Man  say  he 
no  care  for  breakfast  in  dining-room  because 
it  make  him  feel  destitute.  So  he  took  egg  and 
coffee  in  kitchen.  He  say  he  would  be  home 
indefinitely,  so  he  depart  off  for  office  seeming 
entirely  unmarried. 

I  took  look  at  the  appearance  of  that  bachelor 
parlor.  Considerable  rumpage  was  observed 
there.  Quite  several  cigars  had  remained  where 
they  dropped  and  26  bottles  stood  by  gas-log 
looking  quite  vacant.  Portraits  of  dogs  &  glee- 
clubs  hung  on  wall  in  unequal  position,  resem 
bling  sea-storm. 

What  must  I  do  with  this  room?  I  think 
Hon.  Boss  had  told  me  whether  Bachelor  Hall 
should  ever  be  clean.  Maybe  not.  It  certainly 
look  less  ladylike  than  ever  in  this  deranged  con 
dition.  Perhapsly  Hon.  Boss  should  be  entirely 
enraged  if  I  attemp  to  broom  &  dust  this  com 
partment  he  had  took  so  much  pains  to  mascu- 
lify. 

So  I  set  by  table,  lit  slight  cigar,  and  read 
pugilist  paper  while  upturning  my  feet.  As 
thusly  I  reclined  I  did  not  hear  something  com 
ing  in  front  door. 

"  O!  !!**??" 

I  peek  upward.  There  stood  Hon.  Mrs.  looking 
less  peaceful  than  hornets. 

"  Hashimura  Togo,  what  species  of  brutal  de- 
butchery  have  you  been  doing  in  my  absentee  ?  " 
she  snarrel. 

"  I  no  do !  "  I  say  so.    "  Hon.  Husband  do !  " 


64  Hashimura  Togo 

"  Do  not  add  untruthfulness  to  your  false 
hood,"  she  snuggest  snap-turtlefully. 

"  I  have  read  in  papers  about  the  distrust- 
worthiness  of  Japanese  servant-girls.  But  now 
I  know.  O ! ! !  I  leave  my  poordear  Husband 
for  you  take  care  of.  And  thusly  you  neglect 
him.  How  he  must  suffer !  " 

She  cover  her  hands  with  her  face. 

"  I  swear  it,  Mrs.  High  Boss,  your  Hon.  Hus 
band—" 

"  Do  not  swear  before  ladies,"  she  snib.  "  Now 
depart  away  while  I  faint." 

I  do  so  feeling  entirely  decapitated. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


VIII 
Togo  at  the  Seashore 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeeper  Magazine 
who  know  how  cook  delicious  varieties  of  sea- 
shells. 

DEAR  MR. : — Among  the  fresh  air  at  Sand- 
flea  Beach,  Conn.,  employed  by  Hon.  Mrs. 
&  Mr.  Liddbeater,  I  am  no  longer  to  be 
found  at  that  address.  If  some  one  could  find 
a  seashore  without  an  ocean  attached  to  it  I 
should  be  more  happily  to  remain. 

Nikkamura  Japanese  Employment  Agcy  send 
me  there,  where  I  arrive  to  smiling  blue  porch 
setting  alonesome  amid  winds.  The  internals 
of  that  house  resemble  bleached  almshouse,  yet 
Hon.  Mrs.  Liddbeater  say  she  were  fortunate  to 
obtain  it  in  fashionable  location  price  200$ 
monthly. 

"  While  by  seashore  we  love  the  tough  sim 
plicity  of  life,"  she  snuggest  with  sweat-hearted 
expression.  "  We  must  pay  expensively  for  our 
discomforts  here,  yet  we  are  prideful  to  do 
so." 

"  This  place  resemble  Coney  Island,  yet  less 
fashionable,"  I  report  for  compliment  while  ob- 
65 


66  Hashimura  Togo 

serving  girl-i-gig  machinery  on  beach,  candy, 
flirtatiousness  and  clams  while  Hon.  Ocean 
bounce  up  suddenly  making  suds. 

"  It  are  splandid  place  to  come  for  rest,"  she 
report.  "  Now  kindly  to  fetch  8  trunks  upstairs, 
split  wood,  lynch  hammock  on  porch,  and  de 
liver  14  buckets  water  from  artizan  well  n 
blocks  up  street.  When  this  are  finished  lunch 
ing  can  be  prepare  for  10,  rugs  beat,  and  ice 
cream  friz  for  party  to-night." 

I  thank  her  and  feel  sure  I  shall  enjoy  this 
vacation  from  work. 

These  Liddbeater  family  have  got  two  (2) 
children  of  assorted  sexes,  age  17  &  18  respect 
fully.  Eclaire  are  girl  name  and  Oliver  his. 
Both  wear  very  giggling  clothes  and  love  to  be 
engaged.  She  got  Stanhope  Whifflebudd,  de- 
liciously  matinee  boy,  for  hers,  while  Hon.  Oliver 
obtain  sweetheart  attention  from  Hon.  Bluebell 
Vawk,  youngly  lady  of  extreme  tango. 

All  those  frivolled  young  persons  take  rest  by 
not  doing  so.  Each  evening  they  must  attend 
Prof.  Pffuster's  Waltzing  Academy  for  more 
education  in  new  Max  Itch  dance,  which  are  all 
the  enrage.  Daytime  they  must  enjoy  tennis- 
play,  walking,  quarreling,  and  other  excitements. 
Only  time  they  remain  quiet  is  when  they  go 
swimming,  for  this  they  can  do  by  laying  on 
beach  under  umburellas. 

But  when  Fryday  night  arrive  up  my  vacation 
become  considerably  more  entangled.  From  out 
from  depot  emerge  Hon.  Mr.  Liddbeater  with 


Togo  at  the  Seashore  67 

tired  business  expression  while  reading  Wall 
Street  news  from  paper. 

"  Markets  are  decomposing  rapidly  while  I 
am  here,"  he  snuggest.  "  Unless  I  rest  very 
laboriously  I  must  go  back  to  my  unhealth." 

"  What  shall  we  do  to  make  you  feel  entirely 
idle?  "  require  entire  family  together  like  chorus- 
girls. 

"  At  4.06  tomorrow  a.  m.  high  tide  shall  arise 
and  codfish  will  be  biting  viciously,"  he  say  so. 
"  Therefore  we  go  fishing." 

Groans  by  all. 

"  Maybe  you  prefer  to  enjoy  your  seasickness 
alone,"  renig  Hon.  Mrs.  Madam  with  Pankhurst 
expression. 

"  Darling,  I  could  not,"  he  reprieve.  "  I  am 
determined  to  share  my  pleasures  with  my  family. 
Therefore  we  arise  upward  at  3.30  to  be  prompt 
with  hooks." 

That  midnight  was  nigLt  for  party  where  I 
friz  ice-creams,  served  slight  rabbits  of  Welsh 
birth,  assisted  chairs  where  tangos  was  jumping, 
play  "  Robt.  E.  Lee  Polka  "  on  pianola,  and  was 
otherwise  considerable  talented.  By  2.26  I  re 
tire  upwards  to  my  box  bedroom  under  cooked 
roof,  where  I  remained  outside  my  dreams  till 

3-31- 

At  3.30  come  tap-knock  to  door. 

"  What  is  it  ? "  I  require  with  startle. 
"  3-3° '  "  holla  Hon.  Liddbeater  voice  out  there. 
"  Arise  to  go  fish !  " 

"  Do  fish  get  up  so  early?"  I  ask  to  know. 


68  Hashimura  Togo 

"  They  bite  best  this  hour,"  he  explain. 

"  I  should  also  bite !  "  I  snarrel. 

"  I  do  not  pay  you  to  make  injurious  com 
ments,"  he  snudged  while  I  hastily  coat  &  pant 
myself  for  day  labor. 

All  was  there  awaiting  for  breakfast  with  ex 
treme  appetite.  When  this  devouring  was  fi^ 
ished  Stanhope  and  Bluebell  arrive  up  with 
flirtatious  hats  expected  to  attract  fish. 

"  Togo,"  demand  Hon.  Liddbeater  like  Na 
poleon,  "  while  we  fish  you  shall  go  along  and 
whittle  bait.  Also  prepare  lunching  for  10  and  be 
very  impromptu  about  it." 

I  do  so  and  we  nextly  go  to  shore  where  I 
must  carry  complete  lunching  including  baby  and 
umburella.  Pretty  soonly  we  arrive  to  detestable 
whaleboat  being  kept  by  salted  gentleman  re 
sembling  damaged  admiral. 

"  Will  this  boat  hold  12  ? "  require  Hon.  Boss 
Man. 

"  So  easily !  "  corrode  Hon.  Navy.  "  It  were 
built  for  six." 

Therefore  all  was  compressed  in  while  we  chug 
with  gas-perfumery  to  central  middle  of  ocean. 

"  I  have  feeling  of  slight  squash,"  narrate  Hon. 
Bluebell  when  we  were  five  miles  among  rolls. 

"  I  hold  your  hand  for  it,"  report  Hon.  Oliver, 
looking  pale  but  poetic.  He  do  not  seem  to  ac 
complish  much  medicine  by  this.  Hon.  Bluebell 
become  yet  bluer. 

All  the  ocean  seem  to  tip  up  on  one  side  as 
if  it  was  going  to  spill  into  California.  Some- 


Togo  at  the  Seashore  69 

thing  inside  my  interior  stumack  seem  to  speak 
of  my  dead  ancestors.  And  look !  Each  stylish 
person  of  that  cruise  begin  concealing  their  hap 
piness  by  laying  down  on  it.  Groans.  Yet  Hon. 
Liddbeater  continue  to  make  happy  cheek  and 
smiling  lip  resembling  Hon.  Edw.  Foy  seeming 
comic. 

At  lastly  he  motion  Hon.  Salt  Gentleman  to 
choke  his  engine. 

"  This  are  the  exact  patch  of  waves  where 
Thos  Cod  came  to  chew  their  cud,"  he  explaned. 
"  Therefore,  Hon.  Capt.  stop  boat.  Togo,  while 
all  other  fishermans  lay  dying,  you  shall  cut  baits 
attractive  to  fish." 

"  If  convenient,  Mr.  Sir,"  I  bereft,  "  I  should 
prefer  to  join  the  other  groans." 

"  Continue  to  fish-hook  or  I  discharge  you !  " 
he  dib. 

"If  you  would  discharge  me  back  to  shore  I 
would  bless  you  in  Japanese,"  I  gargle.  Yet  he 
horribly  threw  me  clams,  unhappy  mammals 
which  I  must  amputate  with  dull  knife  while 
spearing  them  with  disgustly  hooks. 

Hon.  Liddbeater  lit  pipe  of  very  enraged 
smell.  Groans  by  all. 

"  Nothing  like  pipe-smoke  while  fishing ! "  he 
say  for  smiles. 

"  I  notice,"  is  feebly  voice  from  me. 

Pretty  soon  Hon.  Boss  make  electric  move 
ment  with  wet  string.  He  bite  pipe  more  cruelly 
while  hailing  in  one  enraged  cod  who  mock  him 
with  angry  mouth. 


7O  Hashimura  Togo 

"  A  beautiful  fish!  "  he  yellup  joyly.  "  All  see 
it!" 

All  those  sicknesses  report  "  Um  "  with  un 
happy  nose. 

"Are  he  not  beautiful  fish?"  he  ask  it  to  me. 

"  Perhapsly  when  younger,"  I  disengage  while 
holding  my  head  on. 

Of  suddenly  Hon.  Mrs.  Liddbeater  arise  up 
wards  from  pillows  like  a  fried  snake. 

"  For  sake  of  your  children,"  repeat  her,  "  I 
ask  you  to  cease  making  clams  and  people  and 
Japs  and  fish  miserable  for  selfish  joy  of  your 
depravity.  Put  us  somevheres  where  we  can 
run  away." 

"  Fishing  cannot  be  accomplished  by  running 
away,"  he  deploy  with  Samurai  expression.  "  I 
never  depart  off  until  I  have  caught  14." 

"  O !  !  "  yellup  Eclaire  looping  beside  Stan 
hope  and  looking  less  engaged  than  usual. 
"  Drowning  would  be  painless  after  this." 

"If  you  drowned  I  could  save  you,"  dictate 
Stanhope  looking  very  pale  Yale. 

"  Any  shipwreck  would  be  welcome,"  mone 
Oliver  greenishly. 

"Will  nothing  stop  off  your  mulish  fishing?" 
require  Hon.  Mrs.  waking  up  from  her  death. 

"  Unless  the  boat  sinks  I  shall  stay  remaining 
here  until  I  catch  14,"  he  growell. 

That  ocean  now  look  entirely  double  to  me  and 
I  could  feel  my  courage  rolling  around  inside  my 
lung. 


Togo  at  the  Seashore  71 

"  If  the  boat  sink  I  be  much  obliged !  "  gaggle 
all  together  like  chorus-girls  in  hospital. 

"  I  know  how !  "  I  holla  with  suddenness  of 
intelligence.  "  By  preparing  to  swim  you  shall 
snub  those  14  codfish !  " 

Thusly  exclamming,  I  lept  uply  &  grabb  ham 
mer  where  it  layed  sleeping  beside  lunch.  With 
nimble  ankles  peculiar  to  heroes  I  jump  to  bung- 
plug  in  central  middle  of  that  boat.  Whacks! 
Uply  sprung  plug  quite  corkishly  and  next  came 
huj  sprout  of  salt  Atlantic  approaching  inside 
like  giganterous  fountain. 

"  Brainless  species  of  mice !  "  reproach  Hon. 
Mr.  while  attempting  to  brush  out  ocean  with 
heel.  Yet  already  Hon.  Boat  resemble  bath-tub 
where  all  set  in  lake.  Alarming  wakefulness 
from  seasickness  was  next  to  arrive  and — before 
I  could  acknowledge — each  person  make  flop- 
splash  to  water  including  me  who  was  there 
amidst  swimming  while  Hon.  Boat  turn  over  on 
his  nose  and  float  up-down. 

I  save  Hon.  Mrs.  Liddbeater,  lady  of  large 
tonnage  but  considerable  floatage.  Hon.  Oliver 
save  Hon.  Bluebell.  Hon.  Liddbeater  save  him 
self.  Hon.  Eclair  save  Hon.  Stanhope.  Hon. 
Captain  save  Hon.  Bottle.  So  everybody  were 
quite  comfortable,  thank  you,  hooking  their  nails 
to  stumack  of  that  boat.  But  where  was  room 
for  me  ?  I  continue  onwards  splashing  doggishly. 

"  Why  should  it  ?  "  I  holla  with  water-spouts. 
"  I  save  you  from  sick-death  and  yet  you  will 
not  support  me  on  your  floater." 


72  Hashimura  Togo 

"  Get  off  of !  "  snagger  Hon.  Mrs.  giving  me 
crude  push  with  heel  while  I  attemp  to  sclutch. 

"Did  I  not  stop  fish-catch?"  I  bubble  frog- 
fully. 

"  We  can  be  sifficiently  miserable  without 
you !  "  narrate  Hon.  Oliver  while  making  water- 
polo  across  my  head. 

"  You  are  discharged !  "  howell  Hon.  Lidd- 
beater.  "  Report  to  my  office  in  New  York  for 
your  payment." 

I  hear  this  ingratitude  with  extreme  compres 
sion  of  soul.  How  difficult  it  are  to  be  useful' 
when  not  required  to  do  so !  Therefore  I  would 
snub  them  with  my  immediate  departure. 

Thinking  thusly  I  struck  offward  in  gen.  direc 
tion  of  New  York  and  when  lastly  seen  I  feel 
very  free,  although  expecting  to  be  drowned. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

.Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


IX 
Togo  Meets  Hon.  Clothes  Line 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeeper,  who  help  make 
civilization  with  soap. 

DEAR  MR. : — Another  place  where  I  am  no 
longer  at  is  Rahway,  N.  J.,  working  for 
Mrs.  H.  Griddle,  cultured  lady. 
I  tell  you  why  I  am  removed. 
This  Mrs.  Griddle  to  who  I  came  determined 
to  do  Geh.   Housework,  have  got  considerable 
musical  ambition  inside  her  voice.     She  do  all 
her  housework  at  the  piano.    For  continual  hours 
each  day  she  set  there  making  soprano,  compel 
ling  her  voice  to  do  following  gymnasium: 

AH 

yi        yi 
yi  yi 

Hi  ah!!! 

More  of  this  is  to  be  continued.  She  say  vocal 
culture  require  great  endurance.  She  contain 
more  of  this  noble  quality  than  I  can. 

Washday  arrive  up  to  Griddle  home  by  each 
Monday  a.  m.  when  Hon.   Maggie  Kelley  ap- 
73 


74  Hashimura  Togo 

proach  to  laundry  prepared  to  drown  all  clothing 
in  suds.  This  lady,  who  contains  6  feet  com 
plete  muscle,  is  a  scrubber  of  great  talents.  She 
say  she  was  deprived  of  her  husband  several 
years  of  yore,  because  he  beat  her  frequently.  I 
should  like  to  observe  that  athleetick  gentleman. 

A  wash  lady  is  something  I  prefer  not  to  be, 
above  all  professions. 

But  last  Monday  it  was  arranged  for  me. 

"  Togo,"  dictate  Mrs.  H.  Griddle,  stopping  her 
soprano  sifficiently  to  speak,  "  you  will  kindly 
give  ade  to  Hon.  Maggie  today  in  clothes  wash 
ceremony." 

"  O  thank  you  not  to  do  so !  "  I  declare  with 
pathos. 

"  Why  so  ? "  she  snagger  with  Mary  Garden 
expression. 

"  This  Hon.  Maggie  treat  me  without  chivalry. 
How  could  I  be  assistant  scrub  beside  her 
haughty  actions  ?  "  I  resolve. 

"  Either  do  so  or  deprive  yourself  of  this  job," 
she  holla,  departing  off  in  high  Key  of  C. 

I  find  Hon.  Maggie  lady  in  laundry  preparing 
to  suds.  Redness  appear  from  her  hair  and  arms 
while  she  look  to  me  with  cross  expression  pe 
culiar  to  a  eagle  watching  an  angly-worm.  Then 
she  lift  wash-boiler  from  stove  showing  energy 
like  Sandow  juggling  automobiles. 

"  Jap,"  she  reproach. 

"  Yes,  Sir !  "  I  pronounce. 

"  Was  you  sent  here  to  look  beautiful  or  to  be 
helpful?"  she  ask  out. 


Togo  Meets  Hon.  Clothes  Line    75 

"  Not  sure — Mrs.  Boss  did  not  instruct  me 
which  to  be,"  I  report. 

"  I  will  instruct  you !  "  she  growell  like  a  lady 
menagerie.  "  Become  busy  as  soonly  as  possible. 
You  will  find  a  clothes-ringer  annexed  to  yonder 
tub.  Attach  yourself  to  the  handle  and  ring  the 
cloths  earnestly  until  I  tell  you  quit." 

She  point  to  one  slight  machinery  resembling 
a  hand  organ  with  pianola  rolls.  I  wind  this 
instrument  continuously.  Nothing  evolve. 

"  O  Mrs.  Madam,  I  cannot  hear  the  bell !  "  I 
suggest. 

"  Which  bell  please  ?  "  she  otter. 

"  You  tell  me  to  ring  the  clothes,  not  so  ?  "  I 
ask  it. 

"  I  despise  you  for  your  yellow  mind ! "  she 
dib.  "  Clothes  does  not  ring  when  you  ring 
them!" 

I  could  not  assimilate  the  way  she  said  it. 
She  lift  several  drowned  clothes  from  the  tub  and 
show  me  with  considerable  muscle  how  to  squash 
them  through  those  rollers.  Clothes,  however 
wet,  can  be  sent  through  that  machinery  and 
emerge  forth  with  great  dignity  like  flat  snakes. 
I  turn  crank  handle  continuously  while  Hon. 
Maggie  make  poke-in  with  wettish  clothing.  I 
enjoy  great  pain  in  "my  wrist  and  elbows,  and 
when  I  commence  to  quit,  this  laundered  female 
say  "  Faster  "  with  bull  dog  expression. 

Pretty  soonly  I  lay  down  my  hands  and  stop. 
Her  mad  eyebrows  snub  me. 

"  Hon.   Mrs.   Wash,"   I   renig,   "  why  should 


76  Hashimura  Togo 

you  be  more  cross  and  peeved  than  other  per 
sons?" 

"  Togo,"  she  say  so,  "  my  duties  require  it. 
Cleaning  things  is  a  job  full  of  tragedy  and  other 
grouch.  It  would  be  unnatural  to  laugh  while 
washing.  Clothes  is  pleasanter  to  wear,  but  un 
pleasant  to  scrub.  It  is  similar  with  everything. 
Dishes  is  joyful  to  eat  from,  but  nobody  admire 
them  when  hour  of  dishpan  arrive.  Nobody 
love  Monday,  because  it  is  sacred  to  splash  and 
suds,  yet  if  Monday  was  abolished  by  Congress, 
there  would  be  no  beautiful  society  on  Satur 
day  night." 

"  Can't  some  variety  of  soap  be  invented  with 
more  poetry  in  it?"  I  require. 

"  It  could,"  she  dib,  "  but  it  would  probably 
be  useless  to  take  the  dirt  out." 

Hon.  Mag  fill  tub  with  artistic  color  from  blue 
bottle. 

"  While  you  are  idle  you  can  do  something !  " 
she  holla  suddenly  like  a  steam  whistle. 

"  How  could  I  do  something  when  idle?"  this 
inquiry  from  me. 

"  You  see  that  baskett  of  clothes?  "  She  point 
forth  to  one  baskett  full  of  complete  whiteness 
like  a  bushel  of  damp  ghosts. 

"  I  observe  what  is." 

"  Take  them  immediately  for  hang-out !  "  she 
otter  with  gloom. 

"  What  should  I  hang  them  out  from  ? "  I 
require. 

"  Maybe  you  are  not  acquainted  with  clothes- 


Togo  Meets  Hon.  Clothes  Line    77 

line ! "  she  say  sarcastly  while  she  led  me  forth 
to  back  yard  where  she  introduce  me  to  this  use 
ful  rope.  "  If  I  knew  I  was  to  come  to  this  place 
to  be  washing-instructor,  I  should  demand  teach 
er's  salary,"  she  pronounce  glubly. 

"  That  would  be  nice  job  for  deserving 
widows,"  I  say  for  politeness.  Yet  she  seem  less 
ladylike. 

"  To  hang  clothes,"  she  instruct,  "  you  must 
first  lift  them  one  at  a  time  from  the  baskett, 
grasping  them  by  both  ears — thusly."  She  show 
how.  "  You  shake  him  twice,  snap — snap !  " 
She  demonstrate  this  with  considerable  clothes- 
shake.  "  Then  you  buckle  him  to  line  with  a 
clothespin  on  each  ear."  She  fill  her  mouth  with 
clothespins,  and  then  she  lift  one  tablecloth  by 
his  ears,  shake  him  brutally  with  her  pugilistic 
hands,  and  nail  him  to  clothes-line  like  she  said  so. 

"  You  got  siffkient  strength  enough  to  do 
this  ?  "  she  require  snapply. 

"  Maybe-so,  yes,"  I  report. 

"  If  not,  I  give  you  the  prize !  "  she  say,  elop 
ing  to  house  without  telling  me  which  prize  she 
meant. 

I  put  all  my  intellectual  mind  on  this  clothes- 
hang  job.  It  seem  to  be  light,  agreeable  job  for 
Japanese  Schoolboy — simply  to  lift  a  clothes 
by  his  ears  and  glue  him  to  rope  with  clothespins. 
But  suddenly  I  was  reminded.  That  Clothes 
line  was  7^  feet  in  highness,  while  I  stood 
merely  5  feet  in  lowness.  How  should  I  get  up 
there  without  flying  machinery? 


78  Hashimura  Togo 

I  observed  a  step-ladder  sleeping  quietly  by 
kitchen  window.  It  was  a  very  diseased-looking 
furniture  with  lameness  in  one  leg  and  several 
ribs'  fractured  by  too  much  exercise  in  open  air, 
yet  it  was  a  step-ladder.  I  removed  this  piece 
of  stairway  to  underneath  clothesline  where  I 
put  him.  Then  I  poked  six  (6)  clothespins  in  my 
mouth  like  wooden  cigars.  Then  I  took  one 
pillow  case  from  baskett,  shook  him  rudely  by 
his  ears  and  ascended  upwards.  Hon.  Ladder 
wubble  on  his  sore  leg,  yet  I  enjoy  no  fear,  be 
cause  I  am  a  brave  Japanese.  With  gestures  of 
extreme  courage  I  pin  Hon.  Pillow  Case  to  that 
stretched  string  where  he  clung  with  beautiful 
purity  peculiar  to  washing. 

I  began  to  love  this  clothes-hang  performance. 
It  seemed  so  nice  and  healthful  to  do  housework 
outdoors  amidst  backyard  scenery  and  gentle 
summer  breeze.  It  was  very  superior  pleasure 
for  me,  making  up  and  down  hops  on  that  lad 
der  with  agility  resembling  birds. 

So  I  continued  onwards  near  my  duty.  With 
extreme  earnestness  I  suspended  following  cloth' 
ing  where  they  hung  lynched  upon  line : 

i  tablecloths  (slightly  dragged  on  ground,  yet 
quite  pale). 

9  towels  (one  of  them  dropped,  but  was  nicely 
brushed  afterwards). 

3  sox. 

4^pillow-case. 

While  standing  tip-top  on  that  ladder  I  was 
enabled  to  observe  Nature.  It  are  wonderful 


Togo  Meets  Hon.  Clothes  Line    79 

how  tall  a  short  Japanese  feels  while  standing 
on  a  ladder!  I  could  distinctly  see  over  fence 
into  next  yard  where  Hon.  Swede  lady  employed 
for  cook  by  Mrs.  J.  C.  Camel  was  making  flirting 
conversation  with  Hon.  Ice  Man.  I  also  ob 
serve  Hon.  Cat  obtaining  slight  refreshment  of 
cream-pitcher  from  window  while  that  Swede 
was  too  interested.  I  stood  in  joyful  trance  hold 
ing  wet  sheet  while  biting  clothes-pin  like  wooden 
sigars.  It  make  such  inexpensive  enjoyment  for 
cool  summer  day  to  stand  on  ladder  beholding 
other  folk's  business ! 

In  the  midst  of  everything  Hon.  Swede  Lady 
turn  off  suddenly  and  see  Hon.  Cat.  She  made 
rude  "  Shoo ! "  with  voice,  and  Hon.  Cat  were 
so  offended  he  fell  from  window  in  the  midst  of 
milk  pitcher  and  extreme  breakage.  With  imme 
diate  quickness  he  made  rabid  scoot  for  fence 
with  tail  enlarged  like  a  comets.  "  I  shall  attach 
him  for  you !  "  I  holla  to  Mrs.  Swedish — but 
soonly  as  I  did  so — O  calamity!! 

I  lean  too  forward  and  Hon.  Ladder  stub  his 
toe  and  broke  lame  leg  with  loud  scrash !  Be 
reaved  of  my  support  I  make  wildly  grabb  for 
atmosphere,  Hon.  Clothesline  was  where  I  struck, 
so  I  clasp  him  with  tense  affection.  And  there 
I  was,  hanging  among  clothes,  swinging  my  legs 
with  motion  peculiar  to  wet  stockings.  Hon. 
Maggie  Kelley  observe  me  in  this  dangled  con 
dition. 

"  Git  downward !  "  she  snuggest. 

Before   I   could   reproach   back,   Hon.   Rope 


8o  Hashimura  Togo 

bursted  and  I  was  anticipated  to  ground  so 
forcibly  that  I  sat  there  wondering  what.  En 
tire  clothes-line  seemed  to  surround  me  with 
damp  washing  like  a  wounded  sail.  Hon.  Mag 
gie  making  hysteria,  seize  bottle  of  wash  blue  in 
her  prize-fight  hands  and  approach  at  me  scream 
ing  war  cries.  With  howell  of  great  intensity 
she  threw  that  sky-colored  liquid  to  my  head, 
covering  my  nose  and  eyebrows  with  splashes  of 
brilliant  art. 

Next  she  rose  to  house  and  obtain  broom. 
When.  I  seen  that  female  club,  I  lost  my  con 
nection  with  that  home.  I  lep  forwards.  I  fled 
off.  I  swum  over  the  fence  with  great  skill  and 
continued  to  elope  elsewheres.  Farebye  to  that 
job! 

When  nextly  seen  I  was  2  miles  Westward  set 
ting  among  woods  attempting  to  rub  wash-fluid 
from  my  forehead  which  was  blue. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


X 
Togo  Coaxes  Down  the  Cost  of  Living 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeeping  Magazine  who 
desire  to  make  high-life  less  costly. 

DEAR  MR. :— Please  address  all  letters  to 
Fineheimer   Employment   Bureau    where 
I  am  looking  for  it,  as  usual.    Sorrow  for 
me.     Sometimes  I  think  I  am  like  a  shoot-gun, 
merely  make  to  be  fired. 

When  last  seen  I  was  employed  at  home  of 
Mrs.  Ethel  McManus  who  reside  with  her  hus 
band,  Mr.  Ethel  McManus  at  Honeyville-on-the 
Hudson.  They  are  a  very  matrimonial  couple 
of  people.  They  were  married  only  a  short  time 
of  yore.  Therefore  they  are  living  in  midst  of 
wedding  presents  which  they  are  trying  to  use  as 
furniture.  How  superflous ! 

"  Togo,"  say  this  lady  to  me,  "  I  hire  you  be 
cause  we  are  too  poor  to  live  without  a  servant." 

"  How  smart  idea !  "  I  report  with  chivalry. 

"  Yes,"  she  repartee.  "  I  learn  this  wisdom 
from  newspaper : '  A  good  servant  will  save  Hon. 
Housekeeper  $6  a  week.'  Acting  on  this  advice 
I  hire  you  for  $5  a  week,  which  make  following 
arithmetic:  $6  — $5=$!.  Therefore  I  have 
cleaned  up  $i  a  week  by  transaction." 
81 


82  Hashimura  Togo 

"  If  you  kep  20  servants  at  that  rate  you  could 
save  sufficient  to  keep  ottomobiles,"  I  pronounce 
joyfully. 

"  I  have  oftenly  thought  of  that,"  say  this 
bridish  lady.  "  But  I  think  I  shall  begin  grad 
ually  on  i  servant  and  see  how  much  I  save." 

"  I  permit  you  to  retain  all  you  make  off  me," 
I  suggest  for  generosity. 

"  Your  duties,"  she  utter,  "  is  to  keep  high 
cost  of  living  as  low-down  as  possible.  I  expect 
you  to  buy  food  for  our  home,  and  to  purchase  it 
with  such  financial  cuteness  that  everything  will 
cost  less  than  formerly.  When  Hon.  Beefsteak 
cost  28c  per  Ib.  I  expect  you  to  chide  him  until 
he  become  more  reasonable.  Hon.  Chicken  must 
walk  down  from  his  37c  perch  if  he  wish  to  join 
us  at  our  table.  Potatus,  string-bean,  butter  and 
salad  must  also  act  less  haughty  in  their  prices 
if  they  wish  to  associate  with  us  on  bill- 
of-fare.  Could  you  manage  this  for  our  house 
hold  ?  " 

"  Japanese  are  great  diplomatists,"  I  report. 
"  I  am  willing  to  approach  the  problem  with  in 
tense  stinginess." 

"  The  duties  of  a  servant,"  repeat  Mrs.  Mc- 
Manus  with  expression  of  old-age  peculiar  to 
brides,  "  the  duties  of  a  servant  is  to  come  into 
more  affectionate  contact  with  butcher,  baker  and 
icer.  Thus  tradesmen  might  be  coaxed  into  shar 
ing  with  Housekeeper  that  profits  which  they 
now  selfishly  keep  in  their  business.  You  will 
arrange  this." 


Togo  Coaxes  Down  Cost  of  Living  83 

"  I  am  willing  to  promise  anything,"  I  collabo 
rate. 

"  Each  morning  after  dish-wash  ceremony  is 
over  &  Hon.  Furnace  is  fed  for  the  day,  you 
must  promenade  with  basket  to  market  where 
High  Cost  of  Living  resides.  It  is  useless  for 
you  to  squander  $2  here  &  there  in  reckless  pro 
visions.  I  read  in  newspaper  this  morning  how 
one  delicious  and  nourishing  lunch  for  3  persons 
might  be  bought  for  5oc,  including  cost  of  gas 
to  cook  it  with.  I  shall  try  it  today.  My  Hon. 
Aunt  Augusta  are  expected  here  at  noon.  I 
require  you  to  make  miraculous  meal  for  her. 
Here  is  5oc.  Take  it  and  be  economical." 

"  I  could  not  be  extravagant  under  those  cir 
cumstances,"  I  renig,  compressing  the  ^2  dollar 
to  my  pocket. 

"  Be  as  hasty  as  possible,"  she  beseech  when 
I  depart. 

"  It  should  take  no  time  to  make  500  go  a 
long  ways,"  I  encourage.  "  I  shall  saunter 
among  markets  making  storekeepers  jealous  by 
my  independent  behavior.  Then  I  shall  prome 
nade  homewards  and  commence  to  cook." 

I  do  so  and  this  is  what  I  done. 

I  spent  5c  trolley  fare  and  arrive  to  shop  of 
Hon.  Fritz  Schultz,  prominent  butchery.  I  dis 
cover  this  wealthy  meat-person  standing  befront 
of  his  store  making  sweet  whistles. 

"  O  Hon.  Mr.  Sir,"  I  commence,  "  your  soul 
feels  very  musical  this  morning." 

"  A  butcher's  soul  is  like  his  sausage,"  he  con- 


84  Hashimura  Togo 

fab,  "  full  of  strange  and  wonderful  surprises. 
Also  I  must  feel  slightly  poetical  because  Spring 
have  arrived  to  my  store." 

"Spring,"  I  snagger. 

"  Ah,  yes,"  he  say  off.  "  Beholt  the  signs  of 
Spring  in  my  window." 

I  notice  several.  One  say :  "  SPRING  LAMB ! 
—Marked  Up  to  42c."  Another  say,  "  SPRING 
CHICKEN— Formerly  i8c.  Reduced  to  27c." 

"Why  should  meat  behave  so  heavenly?"  I 
reproach.  "  It  is  continually  soaring  beyond." 

"  The  Trusts — they  are  greedy  about  making 
profits,"  he  say,  arranging  his  necktie,  which  was 
full  of  diamond  pins.  "  The  Trusts  are  to  blame, 
as  usual.  What  can  I  sell  you  this  morning?  I 
shall  be  willing  to  part  from  some  delicious  pork 
chops  for  twice  that  they  are  worth.  ' 

"  At  such  a  price  pork  should  taste  like  veni 
son,"  I  suggested. 

"  Have  you  got  any  food  for  sale  that  is  less 
ostentatious?"  I  acquit. 

"  Corn  beef,"  he  report.  "  That  homely  dish 
can  be  obtained  for  22c  per  Ib." 

"  I  shall  take  I  Ib.  please,"  I  order. 

"  Umpossible !  "  he  disorder.  "  My  corn  beef 
come  only  in  5  Ib.  patterns." 

My  soul  drop  back,  completely  flabbed. 

"  Ain't  you  got  nothing  that  I  can  buy  for 
I5c?"  I  gosp. 

"  How  you  insult  me !  "  he  gollup,  wiping 
meat-axe  with  rage.  So  I  depart  off  before  chop 
occur. 


Togo  Coaxes  Down  Cost  of  Living  85 

It  was  now  n  130  by  clock-time  and  I  had  not 
yet  obtained  that  5oc  lunch.  I  spent  5c  more 
trolley  fare  arriving  at  Nusbaum's  Butchery. 
This  leave  me  4oc  with  which  to  do  so  with. 

"  What  you  got  for  I5c  which  is  sifficient  to 
retain  3  persons,  mostly  ladies  ? "  I  ask  from 
Hon.  Nusbaum.  He  look  to  me  with  fatty  eye 
brows. 

"  I  can  give  you  3  nice  mutton  bones  for  that 
price  of  money,"  he  report. 

"  Can  food  be  made  from  mutton  bones  ? "  I 
ask  it. 

"  If  properly  prepared,"  he  renig,  "  they  are 
delicious.  First  they  should  be  boiled  for  4  days 
in  extract  of  beef,  then  stuffed  with  chicken  gib 
lets,  olives,  muskrooms,  raisons,  and  12  fresh 
eggs  chopped  finely.  The  cost  of  this  dish  are 
as  follows: 

Bones    I5c 

Chicken  giblets  1.50 

Muskrooms    75 

Eggs   65 

Raisons    20 

Total   Extravagance    $3.25 " 

"  You  call  this  cheap  dish  ?  "  I  holla  nervely. 

"  You  would  be  surprised  to  see  how  cheap  it 
tastes !  "  he  suggest  while  I  walk  away  from  that 
conversation. 

I  stand  with  my  4oc  remainder  on  sidewalk 
and  wonder  what  next.  Ah!  Vegetable  lunch  is 


86  Hashimura  Togo 

most  delicate  for  invalids  and  full  of  economy. 
Therefore  I  shall  go  to  place  of  Hon.  Cyrus 
Goldthwaite,  groceries  and  vegetables.  I  arrive 
there  by  trolley,  which  cost  IDC  because  I  lost 
my  transfer.  This  subtract  me  down  to  3oc. 

"  What  wish  ? "  require  Cyrus  Goldthwaite, 
with  spectacles. 

"  How  much  would  3  potatus  cost  ? "  I  ne 
gotiate.  I  was  sure  those  vegetable  would  be 
nourishing,  because  Irish  eats  them  and  remains 
quite  warlike. 

"  They  come  in  all  sizes,"  suggest  Hon. 
Goldthwaite. 

"  Give  them  to  me  about  ladies'  size,"  I  sug 
gest,  because  I  knew  they  was  for  a  ladies'  lunch. 

Hon.  Goldthwaite  hand  forth  3  gentle-looking 
potatus. 

"23c  "  he  require. 

"  O,  Hon.  Groceries !  "  I  abject.  "  Ladies  can 
not  live  on  potatus  alone.  I  got  3oc  with  which 
to  obtain  lunch  for  3.  From  this  I  must  extract 
5c  for  trolley  home-trip.  What  bill-of-fare  can 
I  purchase  for  2$c  remainder?" 

"  Sardines,"  he  say,  "  are  nourishing  but  they 
tastes  lonesome  without  crackers.  These  rare 
fishes  costs  2oc  per  box  and  sifficient  crackers 
to  chaperone  them  would  cost  7c.  This  would 
leave  bonus  of  3c  for  salt.  Or  if  you  would 
think  it  more  delicate  you  might  obtain  y2  Ib. 
cheese  at  i8c  and  i  potatus  at  7c." 

"  I  am  completely  puzzled  by  this  arithmetic," 
he  said. 


Togo  Coaxes  Down  Cost  of  Living  87 

"  Maybe  I  should  telephone  to  Mrs.  McManus 
and  find  what  is,"  I  say  so.  So  I  do  so. 

"  Hullo !  " 

"Yes." 

"  This  is  Togo." 

"O!"  Chillbite  voice. 

"  I  wish  to  ask,  please,  what  you  would  prefer 
as  nourishment?  Would  2  potatus  and  one  box 
crackers  seem  more  sifficient  than  y2  Ib.  cheese 
and  i  potatus  ?  " 

"  For  which  meal,  please  ?  "  she  snib. 

"  For  lunch,  please,"  I  expose. 

"  Togo !  "  holla  blond  voice  from  telephone, 
"  as  it  is  now  1 145  in  P.  M.  and  my  guest  has 
already  went  elsewheres  in  search  for  food,  I  can 
see  no  sensible  ratio  in  your  horseless  remarks. 
How  dare  you  show  your  face  at  my  telephone 
under  such  conditions  ?  " 

"  Be  more  calm  to  me,"  I  besearch.  "  You 
sent  me  forth  with  5oc  to  save  money  from  food. 
I  done  so.  If  your  guest  went  away  without 
lunch,  she  saved  you  that  much.  Which  were 
very  economical.  When  you  substract  2$c  from 
my  traveling  expenses  you  will  still  have  2$c  for 
profits  on  the  day.  Thusly  I  save  you  from  your 
luxuries." 

"  You  are  talking  a  vacuum,"  she  strongle. 
"  There  is  one  luxury  you  shall  save  me  from  in 
future." 

"  Which  luxury  is  that,  please  ?  "  I  deploy. 

"  You !  "  she  snagger  abruptly.  Bang-up  for 
telephone. 


88  Hashimura  Togo 

Hon.  Goldthwaite  charge  me  loc  for  that  tele 
phone.  Which  show  that  high  price  of  talking 
is  also  increasing  rapidly  upward. 

With  my  remaining  wealth  I  advance  hope 
fully  forward  towards  Fineheimer  Employment 
Bureau  which  I  am  always  welcomed. 
Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XI 
Togo  Becomes  a  Fire  Hero 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeeper  Magazine  who 
saves  more  homes  than  insurance. 

HON.  DEAR  SIR :— Another  place  where  I 
am  habitually  absent  can  be  found  at 
home  of  Hon.  Mrs.  &  Mr.  Susan  J. 
Fogg,  Turnverein,  Conn.  I  was  burnt  away 
from  that  place  because  of  my  heroism.  I  tell 
you  how  was : 

This  Mrs.  Fogg  lady  reside  with  her  husband 
and  furniture  in  a  residence,  which  are  covered 
with  extremely  wooden  decorations,  which  tal 
ented  sculptors  have  cut  out  with  saws.  She 
say  it  is  one  Queen  Annie  house.  Perhaps  so  it 
is.  Maybe  this  Annie  were  empress  of  Coney 
Island  to  build  such  merry  architecture. 

Hon.  Mrs.  Boss  are  considerable  proud  of  her 
house  &  what  is  inside.  She  got  an  elaborate 
number  of  plush  picture-frames  containing 
photos  of  Homer.  Also  she  got  cute  jugs  and 
pitchers  walking  over  shelves  &  tables  resembling 
decorated  bugs  doing  so.  Her  dining  room  are 
full  of  cut-up  glasswear  to  resemble  swollen 
diamonds.  Over  mantel-peace  are  portrait-face 
89 


90  Hashimura  Togo 

of  Uncle  Seth,  famous  hero,  who  was  scared  to 
death  in  Battle  of  Bully  Run. 

"  Home,"  she  say  so  to  me  on  date  she  hired 
me  for  employment,  "  Home  should  be  full  of 
objects  to  resemble  soul  of  sweet  lady  what 
keep  it." 

"  What  a  romping  soul  you  must  have !  "  I 
exclam  for  chivalry,  while  rubbing  eyes  to  ob 
serve  purply  curtains  and  reddy  carpets. 

"  My  house  is  nearly  all  furnished  with  wed 
ding  presents,  birthday  tributes  and  auction  bar 
gains  of  happy  days,"  she  tell  proudishly.  "  I 
value  them  for  dear  associations." 

"  Dear  associations  seldom  match  in  color,"  I 
narrate.  She  did  not  assimilate  those  words  I 
said  it. 

"  For  instancely,"  she  go  onwards,  "  there  is 
painted  fire-shovel  with  snow-scenery  from 
Grandpa's  farm.  I  would  not  take  considerable 
for  that  shovel." 

"  How  much  has  you  been  offered  ? "  I  ask 
to  know. 

But  she  was  thinking  elsewheres. 

"  Togo,"  she  otter  with  serious  eyebrows, 
"  there  is  not  one  drop  of  fire  insurance  on  this 
house ! " 

My  heart  stand  on  end  for  this  informations. 
"  Then  it  would  not  pay  to  burn  it !  "  I  gosp. 

"  Daily  and  nightly,"  she  agnosticate,  "  I 
worry  with  brain  for  fear  some  spark  or  blazes 
might  walk  into  my  home  and  burn  all  my  sweet 
art  and  dear  menorandum  to  zero  of  ashes !  " 


Togo  Becomes  a  Fire  Hero      91 

"  I  shall  smother  all  arson  with  great  cruelty," 
are  fire-chief  promise  I  make. 

So  Hon.  Mrs.  Fogg  donate  to  me  one  smallish 
volume  of  book  entitled  "  First  Ade  to  Fires." 
This  literature,  which  is  bound  in  4th  of  July 
color,  tell  me  following  information  about  fire 
when  he  gets  loose : 

"  Chimbleys  are  most  dangerous  articles  to 
have  around  a  house  because  they  gets  clogged 
with  soot,  thusly  causing  inflammation  of  the 
roof  which  creates  blazes  and  burns  insur 
ance.  Total  loss.  Best  way  to  put  out  a  mad 
chimbley  is  to  sprinkle  salt  down  him  until  he 
quits. 

"  In  case  of  houseafire,  human  folks  must  be 
saved  before  all  other  furniture,  because  they 
are  most  combustable.  This  can  be  did  by  throw 
ing  wet  blanket  over  them  and  dragging  them 
forth.  Valuable  heirlooms  can  be  saved  from 
burning  house  by  taking  them  out." 

I  read  this  instructions,  Mr.  Editor,  and  feel 
prepared  for  anything. 

This  Mrs.  Fogg  got  one  Irish  cooklady  name 
of  Hilda  Katz.  Hon.  Hilda  are  beautiful,  except 
her  face  and  figure,  which  are  not.  She  enjoy 
very  sorry  romance,  because  of  Hon.  Wm.,  a 
hack-driver,  who  drove  away  with  another 
fiancee  and  remain  there.  Consequent  of  this, 
Hon.  Hilda  weep  &  cook  nearly  all  time. 

"  Togo,"  she  report  to  me,  while  making  tears 


92  Hashimura  Togo 

and  pies,  "  never  promise  to  marry  any  gentle 
man  in  the  livery-stable  business." 

"  I  shall  avoid  this  peril  firmly,"  I  narrate. 

"67  doz  assorted  love-letters  this  Wm.  sent 
me.  And  what  usefulness  are  they  now?" 
Weeps  by  her. 

"  They  might  make  a  sad  novel,  if  printed 
among  pictures,"  I  say  so. 

She  peel  onions  with  Romeo  expression. 

But  I  were  too  busy  being  a  fire-detective  to 
think  of  Wm.  and  his  escape  from  love.  Nearly 
each  hour  by  clock-time  Hon.  Mrs.  would  come 
to  me  and  talk  underwriter  language: 

"  You  hear  that  smell  of  smoke  ? "  she  re 
quire. 

"  It  smell  like  New  Haven  Railroad  burning 
dividends  six  miles'  away,"  I  say  with  syrup 
voice. 

One  day,  my  Cousin  Nogi  give  me  sweet- 
hearted  gift  of  one  valuable  cigar,  price  5c.  cash- 
money.  I  nourish  this  dear  tobacco  very  care 
fully  in  pocket  and  await  till  late  night-hour  when 
I  could  smoke  him  in  my  room  &  think  of  my 
ancestors.  So  I  lock  door,  open  window  and  do 
so.  In  midst  of  puffs  I  hear  something. 

Knock-knock !  This  noise  by  Hon.  Door.  I 
unlock  lock  and  gaze  outside  to  where  Hon.  Mrs. 
Fogg  was  there  with  kimono  &  pale  eyebrows. 

"  Some  odor  is  burning  in  this  house !  "  she 
gollup. 

"What  perfume  of  smell  do  it  resemble?"  I 
ask  it. 


Togo  Becomes  a  Fire  Hero      93 

"It  resemble  a  fire  among  dry  goods,"  she 
gubble. 

"  Be  calmly  quiet,"  I  negotiate.  "  The  smell 
you  heard  was  merely  only  slight  gift-cigar  I 
smoke  in  honor  of  my  Cousin  Nogi." 

"  I  would  avoid  such  a  cousin,"  she  snib  with 
nose.  "  Blow  out  gas  and  go  to  bed  at  oncely !  " 

I  could  hear  her  peevishness  by  her  feet  as 
they  walked. 

It  were  nice,  balmish  evening  of  summer 
weather  when  Mrs.  and  Mr.  Chas  Hassock, 
neighborly  persons  of  quiet  fashion,  was  there  to 
play  bridge-gamble  amidst  society  clothing.  Hon. 
Mr.  Fogg,  medium  gentleman  with  tame  whis 
kers,  were  also  there  acting  like  a  husband 
man. 

Bridge-card  resume  for  several  hours  while 
those  4  persons  sat  there  calling  each  other 
"  Trumps  "  and  other  American  insults. 

O  suddenly!  !  what  was  that  my  nose 
smelled?  Inflammatory  smell  of  fire!  ! 

With  iced  brain  I  recall  what  "  First  Ade  to 
Fires "  said  about  mad  chimbleys,  so  I  rosh 
silently  to  outside  house  to  see  how  ours  were 
behaving.  O  surely  yes!  Hon.  Chimbley  were 
shooting  sparkles  &  pin-wheels  from  his  enraged 
bricks ! 

What  I  do  then?  With  immediate  quickness, 
I  rosh  to  dining-room  and  grab  2  salt-sellers  in 
my  courageous  thumbs.  Making  my  toes  ex 
tremely  swift,  I  clomb  ladder  to  roof  &  scramble 
along  shingles  with  care  peculiar  to  Thos.  Cats. 


94  Hashimura  Togo 

Then,  by  heroic  movements  of  wrists,  I  pepper 
considerable  salt  straight  into  the  face  of  that 
mad  Chimbley.  Yet  he  still  continue  on  mak 
ing  Vesuvius  out  of  himself. 

What  nextly  must  I  do?  I  think  of  that  fire- 
volume  which  say.  "  Human  folks  must  be  saved 
before  all  other  furniture." 

So  I  scomper  to  bed-room,  dragg  forth  one 
complete  blanket  &  soush  him  in  wet  water  of 
bath-tub.  With  these  blanket  held  in  my  firm 
knuckles,  I  ascended  downstairs  to  parlor  where 
Hon.  Mrs.  Fogg  set  in  her  marcel  hair  and  con- 
iderable  expensive  face-powder  calling  Mrs. 
Hassock  a  "  Renig  "  in  bridge-language. 

With  wetness  of  blanket,  I  stand  behind  Hon. 
Mrs.  Fogg. 

"What  for?"  she  holla  when  she  seen  me. 
But  before  anything  else  could  collapse,  I  wound 
wettish  blanket  round  her  head. 

"  Gog !  "  she  report  with  strangely  voice.  Yet^ 
before  she  could  narrate  more,  I  had  drogged 
her  forthly  to  fresh  air. 

"  What  is  the  meaning  of  this  meanness  ?  "  re 
quire  Hon.  Fogg. 

"  Meaning  of  Fire !  "  I  yellup.  "  Why  do  you 
stand  there  making  speechless  talks,  when  your 
home  is  sparking?  " 

At  this  oratory  of  words,  everybody  begin 
making  hook-and-ladder  movements.  Hon. 
Fogg  grabb  bird-cage  and  pair  of  tongs.  Hon. 
Mrs.  save  3  plush  albums.  Hon.  Hassock  attemp 
to  remove  sideboard,  but  it  were  nailed  to  floor. 


Togo  Becomes  a  Fire  Hero      95 

Hon.  Mrs.  Hassock  rosh  down  street  breaking 
fire-alarms  out  of  telephone  poles. 

But  I  were  more  Sandow  in  my  strength. 
With  Samurai  knuckles,  I  grasp  cabinet  full  of 
cut-up  glasswear  and  roll  him  down  front  steps 
to  lawn.  Loud  crashes!  Thusly  was  valuable 
dishes  saved  from  fire. 

With  deer-foot  heels,  I  eloped  upstairs  to  bed 
room  and  begin  pouring  entire  household  out  of 
window.  Mattrass,  pitchers,  rugs,  etc.,  fell  like 
Niagara  falling.  When  I  threw  forth  family 
water-color  landscape  representing  the  face  of 
Aunt  Nerissa  Hodges,  it  make  boomerang  fly- 
off  and  struck  on  head  of  Hon.  Fogg  which  went 
through.  Too  bad. 

I  were  just  in  the  heroism  of  poking  brass 
bedstead  through  pane  of  glass,  when  Mrs.  and 
Mr.  Fogg  escorted  by  Mrs.  and  Mr.  Hassock  and 
Hon.  Hilda  Katz,  cook-lady,  suddenly  encroach 
into  room  and  seeze  me. 

"  Platoon  of  brainless  mind !  "  they  all  hiss 
like  circular  snakes.  "  Who  inform  you  this 
house  were  blaze?" 

"  Did  I  not  see  Hon.  Chimbley  spitting  rock 
ets?"  This  from  me. 

"  Sakes  of  shucks ! "  commute  Hon.  Hilda 
contemptibly.  "  That  were  not  house-afire. 
That  were  merely  me  burning  negligent  love- 
letters  in  kitchen  stove." 

Grones  by  all. 

"  So  my  house  are  not  afire !  "  report  Hon. 
Mrs.  for  disappoint. 


96  Hashimura  Togo 

"  So  sorry !  "  I  regret.  In  distant  midnight  I 
could  hear  rural  hose-carriage  approaching  with 
gongs.  "  Maybe  there  was  no  fire,  but  this  were 
very  useful  practice.  Also  I  was  enabled  to  show 
you  the  iced  quality  of  my  intelligence.  If  there 
had  been  some  fire,  I  should  put  it  out !  " 

"  You  have  put  nearly  everything  else  out," 
sorrowfully  Hon.  Mrs.,  looking  outside  to  moon 
light  where  the  entire  interior  of  her  home  lay 
scrambled  on  the  lawn. 

Hon.  Fogg  gargle  with  his  teeth. 

"  Since  you  are  so  talented  at  putting  things 
out,"  he  suggest,  "  perhaps  you  can  place  your 
self  elsewheres  with  immediate  rapidness." 

I  oblige.  When  nextly  observed,  I  were  set 
ting  in  R.  R.  Station  awaiting  for  morning  train 
and  feeling  quite  roasted. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XII 
Togo  Makes  Discoveries 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeeper  Magazine, 
whose  mind  thinks  recipes. 

DEAR  MR.  EDITOR:— When  Hon.  Chris 
Columbus  dishcovered  America,  he  do  so 
at  his  own  risk.  It  are  muchly  the  same 
with  Gen.  Housework — all  persons  must  be  en 
tirely  careful  about  what  they  find  out,  because 
they  can't  always  do  something  with  it.  I  know 
because  I  try. 

My  last  former  address  was  home  of  Hon. 
Mrs.  J.  B.  Cluck,  Canton,  O.  I  am  now  em 
ployed  there  as  an  absentee.  Mr.  Editor,  you 
and  your  magazine  are  blame  for  the  miserable 
anecdote  what  happen  to  me  there.  I  tell  you, 
Mr.  Editor  Good  Housekeeper,  how  was: 

This  Hon.  Cluck  lady  suddenly  approach  up  to 
me  last  Tues.  a.  m.  &  say  with  voice, 

"  Togo,"  she  say  so,  "  I  am  delightful  reader 
of  Good  Housekeeper  Magazine." 

"  You  are  one  in  several  1,000,000,"  I  snatch 
back,  with  expression  of  rapid  circulation. 

"  In  this  wonderfully  home-made  periodical," 
she  divulge,  "  I  are  frequently  suprised  to  read 
97 


98  Hashimura  Togo 

one  department  name  of  '  Dishcoveries,'  what  tell 
considerable  knowledge  to  ladies  what  require  to 
make  housework  unexpected.  This  month  '  Dish 
coveries  '  give  bright  recipes  on  following  sub 
jects: 

" '  How  to  make  pincushions  from  potatoes. 

" '  How  to  keep  moths  out  of  moth-bags. 

"  '  How  to  make  babies  cry  by  music.'  " 

I  assimulate  her  words  with  eyebrows. 

"  It  seem  insulting  to  sell  so  much  wisdom  for 
I5c,"  I  contuse. 

"  Recipes  like  this,"  decry  Hon.  Mrs.,  "  are 
good  ways  to  know.  Every  servant  girl,  whether 
male  or  female,  should  read  those  '  Dishcoveries  ' 
&  attempt  to  do  so  also.  New  things  can  be 
thought  of  only  by  thinking  of  something  new. 
Therefore,  remember  I  expect  you  to  make  some 
useful  '  Dish-covery '  each  week  you  are  in  this 
home." 

With  such  language,  she  suddenly  eloped 
away,  leaving  my  hands  in  thoughtful  dishwater. 

Mr.  Editor,  it  are  easier  to  be  Shakespeare 
than  Edison.  Hon.  Shak.  merely  composed 
poetry,  but  Hon.  Ed.  has  to  compose  inven 
tions  what  actually  go  when  expected  to. 

When  Hon.  Mrs.  Cluck  require  me  to  think 
up  some  Dishcovery,  I  were  completely  flabbed 
to  find  what  was.  Nearly  everything  seemed  to 
be  already  thought  of  to  make  home  easier — hot 
water,  ice  man,  gas,  etc.  Brooms  was  there  to 
sweep  with,  foods  to  cook  with,  each  thing  for 
to  do  so.  When  I  look  arouncl  that  home,  all 


Togo  Makes  Discoveries         99 

full  of  everything,  I  feel  like  North  Pole  after 
Hon.  Doc  Cook  was  there — nothing  else  left  to 
dishcover. 

That  week  my  brain  grew  sidewise  from  too 
much  originality.  Yet  no  useful  thought  come 
up. 

With  frequent  occasionality,  Hon.  Mrs.  Cluck 
approach  and  dement, 

"  You  find  that  Dishcovery  yet,  Togo  ?  " 

"  Great  explorers  requires  overtime  to  do  so," 
I  relate. 

No  intellectual  reply  from  her. 

Wedsday  pass,  Thursday  pass  while  Fryday 
&  Satday  proceed  in  similar  manner.  At  last  it 
was  Sunday. 

This  Sunday  are  devoted  to  stay-home  amuse 
ment  by  Hon.  Cluck,  who  are  a  bald-haired  gen 
tleman  of  medium  oldness.  He  spend  this  vaca 
tion  by  setting  in  slippers  and  enjoying  quarrels 
he  is  too  busy  to  attend  to  other  days.  When 
these  is  finished,  he  reads  comical  supplements 
until  fatigued  by  humor,  when  he  spreads  Hon. 
Happy  Hooligan  page  over  his  bald  hair  and 
commences  to  snore.  This  program  are  enjoyed 
to  any  extent  while  Hon.  Mrs.  telephone  her 
Mother  to  explain  how  sad  her  marriage  was. 

"Jas!"  holla  Hon.  Mrs.  to  Hon.  Mr.,  last 
Sunday  while  he  was  leaping  from  one  nap  to 
another,  "  Why  should  you  save  your  snores  for 
your  Wife?" 

"  You  comfort  me  so  I  cannot  keep  wakeful," 
he  smooth  back. 


ioo  Hashimura  Togo 

"  Do  you  snore  while  being  comforted  by  a — 
stenographer  ?  "  she  gollup  so  quickly. 

He  said  nothing  very  well. 

"  Oh !  !  "  This  from  her.  "  If  I  could  dish- 
cover  some  way  for  to  keep  you  from  going  to 
sleep  every  time  you  sat  in  that  chair,  I  should 
be  submerged  by  much  gratitude." 

I  was  standing  in  next  room  near  keyhole 
trying  not  to  listen  when  I  axidentally  hear  her 
make  this  dialogue. 

Zizz!!  Intellectual  flash  arrive  to  brain:  I 
should  make  one  Dishcovery  what  would  give 
Hon.  Cluck  happy-home  wakefulness  when  set 
ting  in  that  chair.  Banzai !  I  stogger  backwards 
with  Edison  feeling  of  thumbs, 

Next  a.  m.  while  Hon.  Mrs.  were  absentee  at 
Dept  Store  squandering  money  on  hair-pins,  I 
approach  Hon.  Chair  where  husband  love  to 
dream.  With  artistic  hammer  &  nails,  I  attach 
Hon.  Chair  to  rope  in  next  room  which  were 
pulled  by  neat  derangement  of  pulleys.  He  were 
a  Mawruss  Chair,  full  of  pads  and  very  fat,  and 
I  was  proud  to  see  the  expression  of  calm  com 
fort  what  he  wear  while  setting  there  awaiting 
happy  home-come  of  Hon.  Mr.  Cluck. 

When  Hon.  Mrs.  Cluck  arrive  back  for  din 
ner  that  evening,  food  were  absent,  for  reason 
because  I  had  been  too  busy  with  importance  to 
think  up  such  triful. 

"  Why  you  no  cook  for  eat  it  ?  "  she  require 
with  hawk  voice. 

"  I  have  cooked  something  more  grand  than 


Togo  Makes  Discoveries       101 

merely  stomach  food,"  I  snuggest.  "  While  you 
was  absentee,  I  have  been  preparing  something 
elegant  for  the  brain  to  chew :  I  have  made  a 
Dishcovery !  " 

"  O  narrate  it  to  me !  "  she  collapse  for  vasty 
excitements. 

"  Not  to  do !  "  I  holla.  "  Such  thoughts  must 
be  delivered  by  express  to  editor  of  Good  House 
keeper  Magazine." 

She  glub  slightly,  but  I  was  firm. 

"  If  you  have  time  to  spare  from  your  scien 
tific  study,  please  prepare  what  hash  there  is  in 
the  house  for  food  which  is  2l/z  hours  late." 
She  say  it. 

At  6 147  hour,  Hon.  Cluck  return  back  in  usual 
mood  of  joyless  anticipation.  He  say  several 
nouns  expressing  lateness  of  Japanese  cookery, 
then  he  remove  off  coat,  collar,  neckbow  &  shoe- 
ware,  expecting  to  put  on  house  slippers  and 
smoke-jacket  and  manufacture  comfort. 

"  If  Togo  shall  be  till  breakfast  preparing  din 
ner,  I  shall  go  to  my  Mawruss  Chair  and  enjoy 
slight  kitten  nap,"  Hon.  Mister  glump. 

"  If  you  had  more  regular  profiles,  you  would 
be  a  sleeping  beauty,"  contuse  Hon.  Mrs. 

"If  this  home  was  run  right,  it  would  not  be 
run  down !  "  combust  him. 

"  If  you  was  not  a  fungus,  you  might  be  a 
genius,"  detone  her. 

I  were  deliciously  relieved  to  hear  them  talk 
that  way,  because  I  knew  they  would  get  so 
interested  in  unpleasantness  that  Hon.  Cluck 


IO2  Hashimura  Togo 

would  forget  to  go  sleep  in  Mawruss  Chair  until 
after  dinner  was  ate.  And  then  I  would  have 
time  to  show  my  Dishcovery. 

And  so  it  was.  While  I  prepare  what  hash  I 
could  find,  Hon.  Cluck  spent  time  pacing  back 
wards  and  reverse  with  expression  peculiar  to 
Admirals  on  July  4th.  At  lastly  dinner  set  him 
self  on  table  while  Hon.  Cluck  devoured  big  din 
ner  amidst  usual  steam-roller  grumbel  about  my 
unhappy  cooking. 

"  Can't  you  recall  some  sweet  language  to 
make  marriage  pleasant?"  renag  Mrs.  Cluck. 

"  Marriage  are  only  pleasant  when  he  are 
asleep,"  he  peruse,  looking  expectfully  to  Maw 
russ  Chair. 

When  it  come  to  pie  time,  I  could  already 
observe  dormatory  expression  of  lodging-house 
crowling  over  fatty  face  of  Hon.  Boss.  Yawns 
by  him.  Stretches.  At  lastly,  he  arose  upwards, 
lit  cigar,  rubbed  his  tired  business  eyes  &  started 
for  library. 

"  I  think  one  slight,  little  nap  in  Mawruss 
Chair  will  prepare  me,"  he  say  so  to  Wife. 

"  Prepare  you  for  what  ? "  she  dib  back  at 
Hon.  Husband. 

"  For  go  to  bed,"  he  resnort.  He  make  slug- 
gardly  walk  toward  Mawruss  Chair. 

Now  I  knew  it  were  time  for  activity,  if  my 
Dishcovery  would  be  useful.  So  I  ran  with  silent 
speed  of  cats  towards  other  room  where  end  of 
rope  was.  Through  library  door,  I  could  see 
Hon.  Chair  setting  there  with  dimpled  pads.  I 


Togo  Makes  Discoveries        103 

grabb  rope  detatched  to  pulleys  what  led  to  Hon. 
Chair.  Next  thing  I  could  see  Hon.  Cluck  back 
up  towards  Chair,  stretch  lovingly,  and  crouch  his 
knees  as  if  intending  to  set  down.  But  he  wasn't. 

YANKS!!!  With  hero  strength,  I  pull  rope 
which  cause  Hon.  Chair  to  sidle  backwards  on 
castor.  Consequence  of  this  was  large.  Hon. 
Cluck,  suddenly  dejected  from  his  set  down,  fell 
on  his  collar  button,  arriving  to  carpet  so  hippo- 
ponderously  that  entire  home  were  jarred  loose. 

"  O  darling  Mr.  Husband,  are  you  gone  ?  "  re 
quire  Mrs.  Wife,  lopping  over  him  with  heroine 
expression  peculiar  to  Julia  Marlowe. 

"  Can't  you  tell  I  am  here  by  the  noise?"  he 
gubble.  "  What  spirituous  medium  has  came 
here  to  pull  away  my  chair  with  unseen  hands  ?  " 

"  I  do  it !"  I  explode  with  great  quickness  sud 
denly  emerging  forth  from  curtains  like  prima- 
donna  making  first  entrance  when  band  play  with 
great  exuberance. 

"  Why  you  done  it?"  Both  Hon.  Mister  and 
Hon.  Mrs.  spoke  together  like  mad  chorus  girls. 

"  It  was  fault  of  you  &  Good  Housekeeper 
Magazine !  "  I  snuggest  to  her.  "  Did  you  not 
tell  me  every  servant  girl  should  make  Dish- 
covery  of  something  needed  in  the  home?" 

"  Perhapsly  I  did,"  Hon.  Mrs.  rosp  back  with 
question-mark. 

"  Did  you  not  tell  Hon.  Husband  something 
must  be  did  to  keep  him  from  sleeping  in  Maw- 
russ  Chair  after  big  dinner  every  day?" 

"  I  said  thusly." 


IO4  Hashimura  Togo 

"  Well !  "  This  from  me.  "  I  have  cooked  up 
an  Invention  what  will  keep  Hon.  Sir  from  all 
snores.  Reward  me,  please !  " 

For  immediate  payment,  Hon.  Cluck  arouse 
up  with  voice  peculiar  to  zoology.  He  annexed 
me  by  the  seat  of  my  collar  &  left  me  outside 
where  I  stood  long  time. 

Mr.  Editor,  if  you  wish  this  Dishcovery  for 
your  page  it  will  be  yours  for  the  cheapness  of 
dirt. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XIII 
Togo's  Thanksgiving 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeeper  Magazine,  who 
keep  cheerful  in  spite  of  Holidays. 

DEAR  SIR:— While  annual  yearly  date  of 
Thangsgive   approach   up,    I    enjoy    pain 
in  connection  with  my  memory.     Ameri 
cans  act  so  peculiar  when  thankful  that  I  am  not 
insured  what  to  do.     For  instancely,  I  tell  you 
what  collapsed  to  me  last  Thanksgive   Thurs 
day: 

I  were  employed  for  Gen.  Cookery  at  do 
mestic  kitchen  of  Mrs.  &  Mr.  Romeo  Goober, 
East  O'Rora,  111. 

"  Togo,"  say  Hon.  Mrs.,  approaching  up  to  me, 
"  tomorrow  shall  be  Thanksgive  Day." 

"  What  are  origin  of  this  joy  ?  "  I  ask  to  know. 

"  Pilgrim  4  Fathers  first  invented  it,"  she  re 
port.  "  In  historical  time  of  1492,  Hon.  Miles 
Standish  were  setting  on  Plymouth  Rock.  '  We 
have  no  foods,'  decry  Hon.  Miles.  '  I  have  no 
appetite,'  snuggest  Hon.  Jno.  W.  Alden,  assistant 
Pilgrim.  '  We  should  be  thankful  for  that ! '  ne 
gotiate  Hon.  Miles,  so  Thankful  Thursday  were 
manufactured  from  that  date." 
105 


io6  Hashimura  Togo 

"  How  you  shall  celebrate  this  patriotic  festi 
val  ?  "  I  require. 

"  By  eating  it,"  decrop  Hon.  Mrs.  "  The  more 
we  eat,  the  more  patriotic  we  become.  On  that 
Thursday  date  America  are  thankful  about  all 
sorts  of  calamities,  while  families  group  them 
selves  around  turkey  to  express  gratitude  and 
cramberry  sauce." 

"  My  heart  stands  upright  to  think  of  such 
cheerfulness !  "  I  resort.  "  I  shall  rejoice  to 
morrow  for  to  observe  one  American  dinner 
where  Kick  &  Peev  are  not  invited." 

"  Tomorrow  we  expects  to  celebrate  as  usual," 
she  report  for  sweetly  smiling.  There  will  be 
8  to  dinner,  to  include  my  fattish  Uncle  Seth 
who  equal  3  more.  All  my  relatives  is  most 
sneerful  particular  about  foods.  So  now  will 
you  please  elope  immediately  to  market  for  buy 
one  turkey-chicken  of  26  Ibs.  complete  tender 
ness,  4  qrts.  cramberries  of  delicious  sourness,  6 
bunches  celery-weed,  and  sufficient  punkens  to 
construct  2^2  pies  ?  " 

I  go.  At  Gouge  Bros.  Market  where  was  I 
observe  sign,  "  FAT  TURKEY  35c."  To  see 
this,  I  feel  very  humorous  about  that  High  Cost 
of  Life. 

"  Such  delicious  cheapness  of  bird !  "  I  ne 
gotiate  to  Hon.  Butcher  who  was  there.  "  At 
such  rates,  how  much  would  2  turkies  cost?" 

"  $22.80,"  he  report  for  immediate  arithmatic. 

"  Do  you  not  promise  fat  turkey  for  35c  ?  "  I 
rake  off. 


Togo's  Thanksgiving  107 

"  35C  Per  lb-»"  he  snagger  financially. 

"I  should  like  one  (i)  lb.,  please!"  This 
from  me. 

"  We  do  not  sell  broken  sections.  You  must 
purchase  complete  bird,  price  $9.80."  This  from 
him. 

"  At  such  rates,  folks  can  get  rich  by  starv 
ing,"  I  snagger. 

No  response  from  him.  He  go  to  ice-box 
and  fetch  forth  one  enlarged  fowel  without  any 
clothing  on. 

'  This  are  nice  fresh  turkey,"  he  satisfy. 

"  How  you  know  he  fresh  ? "  I  snuggest. 

"  Have  he  not  been  constantly  on  ice  for  2 
yrs.  ?  Nothing  could  be  more  fresher  than  that," 
depose  Hon.  Butch.  I  buy. 

He  sell  me  expensive  celery-bouquet,  price 
75c  per  cluster.  It  seem  disrespectful  to  eat  such 
valuation.  Also  precious  cramberries,  price  $i 
for  seldom  quantities,  added  to  $2.50  worth  pun- 
kens  for  pie.  I  promenade  homewards,  carrying 
this  valuable  butchery  and  hoping  no  burglar 
would  see  me. 

While  I  was  thusly  straggling  along  with  bur 
dened  back,  one  assorted  dog,  name  of  Hon. 
Fido,  snux  up  behind  of  turkey  and  made  smiling 
sniff-nose. 

"  Shoo !  "  I  report.  Hon.  Fido  stood  waggishly 
saying  nothing,  but  looking  at  Hon.  Turkey  with 
flirting  eye.  I  was  joyful  to  observe  this,  be 
cause  Hon.  Shakespeare  say,  "  Them  what  dogs 
loves  must  have  many  tender  qualities." 


io8  Hashimura  Togo 

Date  of  Thankful  Thursday  arrive  up.  By 
early  a.  m.  of  dawntime  I  arose  up  and  com 
menced.  All  a.  m.  that  assorted  dog,  Hon.  Fido, 
set  outside  screen  door.  I  permit  him.  I  arrange 
Hon.  Turkey  to  polite  position  and  stuff  his  sur 
prised  interior  with  decorated  crumbs.  I  satisfy 
him  with  salt  &  pepper. 

About  time  of  afternoon  p.  m.,  I  could  hear 
several  thanksgivers  scraping  their  footprints  on 
rug.  Their  feet  sounded  quite  hungry,  yet  I 
could  not  hear  any  words  spoken  more  cheerful 
than  Sunday.  Hon.  Turkey  now  send  forth 
smiling  smell  of  bakery,  and  I  was  glad  to  assist 
his  importance. 

Pretty  soonly  all  take  set-down  to  table. 

"  We  got  much  to  be  thanksgiving  for,"  report 
Hon.  Goober  with  sharp  knife.  "  Dinner  is  late 
as  usual." 

"  Too  bad  weather  are  so  full  of  dishagreeable 
qualities !  "  grubble  Aunt  Hannah  with  golden 
teeth. 

"  It  were  not  thusly  when  I  was  a  boy,"  re 
port  Uncle  Seth  with  grone.  "  Please  pass  the 
celery." 

He  make  smack-taste  of  this  foods,  then  flop 
it  back  with  snubbed  expression. 

"  I  have  tasted  no  respectable  celery  since 
1841 !  "  he  holla  baffably. 

All  enjoy  depression  by  this  report. 

Next  course  was  oysters,  served  with  consid 
erable  rawness.  Cousin  Fred'rck  make  jab  to 
these  shelled  fish. 


Togo's  Thanksgiving          109 

"  Don't !  "  holla  Aunt  Eliz,  making  horror 
with  her  nose. 

"  Why  should  not  ?  "  require  Cousin  Fred'rck 
while  he  swallow  up. 

"  You  are  so  young  and  yet  dead  already !  " 
ollicute  Aunt  Eliz.  "  Toe-main  poison  are  sure 
to  resume  from  this." 

"  Food  contained  less  poison  when  I  was  a 
childhood,"  negotiate  Uncle  Seth. 

"  Bygone  days  has  went !  "  extract  Aunt  Eliz 
with  si  &  grone. 

I  go  to  kitchen  for  bring  in  delicious  mulligan- 
tawny  soup  what  I  bought.  While  I  were  pour 
ing  this  hot  beveridge  in  plates,  I  notice  slight 
smell  of  burn.  It  was  Hon.  Turkey  in  oven,  be 
coming  too  feverish.  So  I  took  him  out  and  put 
him  by  window  where  he  be  more  comfortable. 

I  fetch  soup  in  plates  to  all  those  thanksgivers. 

"  Canned !  "  they  yellup  together  with  voice  of 
sad  chorus  girls,  while  thrusting  away  plates. 

"  Nothing  is  real  any  more !  "  narrate  Uncle 
Seth  with  dyspepsia.  "  Even  turkies  is  de 
ceptive.  Wrhen  boyhood  days  elapsed,  I  can  re 
member  how  we  was  accustomed,  on  Thanksgive 
morning,  to  salute  Hon.  Turkey  by  chopping  him 
in  kneck  with  ax.  We  knew  he  was  good  to  eat, 
because  we  seen  how  fresh  he  acted.  But  no 
more.  Today,  turkies  lives  like  Eskimos — spend 
ing  their  old  age  on  ice  before  meeting  civilized 
persons.  No  respectable  bird-dog  would  eat 
them." 

I  enjoy  considerable  alarm  for  this   thanks- 


no  Hashimura  Togo 

giving  speech.  Then,  courageous  like  a  Samurai, 
I  retreat  to  kitchen  for  fetch  forth  Hon.  Turkey. 
Hope  thrilled  my  wrists  and  elbows  as  I  entered 
kitchen  for  escort  that  sublime  turkey — but 
O !  !  !  I  stand  gast.  I  look  to  window  where 
I  left  that  sacred  bird.  Such  things  could  not ! 
And  it  was.  Empty  pan  stood  there,  seeming 
entirely  vacuum.  Hon.  Turkey  had  flewed 
away!  ! 

I  rosh  by  window  and  look  earnestly  to  back 
yard.  Yes!  !  With  thankful  expression  of  tail, 
there  stood  Hon.  Fido  abducting  Hon.  Turkey 
across  alley  by  wing. 

"  Come  backwards !  "  I  yellup.  Hon.  Fido 
show  no  impression  from  my  talk.  I  lep  through 
window  7^  feet  to  outside.  Quickly  reassuring 
my  legs,  I  retreat  after  that  slyly  doggish  annimle, 
but  he  scromble  up  fence  with  hooked  claws  re 
sembling  cats.  Too  late  for  me!  Turkey  had 
escaped  from  my  Bulgarian  catch-up. 

Mr.  Editor,  heroes  is  most  brave  when  report 
ing  failures.  I  do  this  considerably.  So  I  drag 
together  my  soul  and  encroach  toward  dining- 
room,  where  I  could  hear  those  8  thanksgivers 
complaining  about  everything.  I  walk  in  there 
carrying  empty  pan.  Uncle  Seth  were  just  say 
ing, 

'  Turkey  are  not  what  he  used  to  be  in  1868!  " 

"  It  are  painful  to  look  one  in  face !  "  report 
Aunt  Eliz,  while  all  agree. 

"  Banzai !  "  I  holla,  poking  forth  vacant  dish. 
"  Your  digestion  shall  avoid  this  agony." 


Togo's  Thanksgiving          in 

"  What  is  ?  "  all  exclam  while  leapting  to  their 
feetware. 

"  You  should  all  be  very  thanksgiving,"  I 
snuggest.  "  You  have  been  rescued  from  con 
siderable  preserved  poison  by  one  patriotic  dog 
what  sacrifice  himself  by  eloping  with  Hon.  Tur 
key  before  he  could  be  ate." 

"  Kill  the  dishonest  mammal !  "  all  gollup  with 
thankless  expression. 

"  Why  you  should  want  I  kill  dog  for  stealing 
turkey  you  do  not  require?"  I  ask  with  Teddy 
Roosevelt  voice.  "  He  should  be  gave  medal 
of  Pilgrim  4  Fathers  for  eating  a  bird  you  would 
not  dare  to  bite." 

"  Then  you  mean  we  shall  have  no  turkey  ?  " 
snagger  all. 

''  You  shall  be  spared  that  calamity,"  I  say  off. 

"  How  lonesome  Thanksgive  dinner  seem 
without  him !  "  mone  Uncle  Seth. 

"How  can  we  fill  his  vacant  platter?"  sobb 
Hon.  Mrs.  "  I  should  be  thankful  for  Hon. 
Turkey,  however  tough !  " 

Just  while  she  say  this — crashy ! !  Loud 
sound  of  approaching  dog  heard  from  kitchen 
window,  and  Hon.  Fido  with  waggish  tail  trott 
into  dining-room,  carrying  that  enormalous  bird 
in  his  careful  teeth.  He  lay  that  absent  fowel 
reverently  at  my  feets. 

"  Hon.  Fido  do  not  care  for  this  enlarged 
chicken,  so  he  bring  him  back,"  I  report. 

"  Dinner  are  now  spoilt !  "  decry  Hon.  Mrs. 

"  How    could    you    speak    it  ? "    I    research. 


112  Hashimura  Togo 

"  When  turkey  go,  you  say,  '  Dinner  ruined ! ' 
When  he  come  back,  you  say,  '  Dinner  spoilt ! ' 
I  am  impossible  to  understand  about  American 
customs. 

"You  have  Thanksgive  dinner  so  you  can  set 
around  making  bewails.  So  foolish  to  do !  Why 
you  no  choose  this  date  for  to  kick  out  Mis 
fortune  ?  " 

"  I  shall  do  so !  "  abrupt  Hon.  Goober,  arising 
upwards.  "  First  Misfortune  to  kick  will  be  in 
your  direction." 

Next  he  rejected  me  through  window  by  force 
of  Swedish  jiu-jitsu.  Hon.  Fido  arrive  by  next 
kick,  and  Hon.  Turkey  flew  afterward,  striking 
me  on  hair  so  earnestly  he  left  me  quite  brainless. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XIV 
Togo  Seeks  Tea  and  Finds  Tango 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeeping  Magazine 
who  must  realize  the  extreme  difficulty  of  keep 
ing  home  dull, 

DEAR  SIR : — I  have  leaped  so  continuously 
from  jobs  to  jobs  since  you  last  heard 
from  me  that  I  am  becoming  a  very  tal 
ented  bounder.     The  nearly  last  place  to  which 
I  was  attached  rejected  me  away  because  of  my 
extreme  industry  in  sweeping  carpets  while  com 
pany  was  there  to  sneeze.     Boss  Lady  at  that 
place  was  kind  but  brutal,  so  she  give  me  follow 
ing  letter  of  recomment  to  quit  with: 

To  WHO  THIS  MAY  SUPPLY: — 

This  introduces  our  Mr.  Togo  (retired).  If 
you  want  to  see  what  a  housemaid  he  is,  try  him. 
He  is  capable  of  anything.  Please  treat  him 
like  I  did. 

MARY  L.  MONTFUSSER. 

Next  place  where  I  took  this  note  were  home 
of  Hon.   Mrs.   &   Mr.   Wm.   Vanderbitt   Jones, 
residing  in  very  swollen  location  located  near 
113 


114  Hashimura  Togo 

Aspic  Falls,  N.  J.  That  neighborhood  was  so 
formula  that  it  make  me  feel  quite  English  while 
approaching  up  to  it.  I  was  included  into  rear 
entrance  amid  buttlers,  where  Hon.  Mrs.  Van- 
derbitt  Jones,  crystalized  lady  of  expensive 
beauty,  arrive  there  and  require,  "  You  unstand 
how  serve  tea  ?  " 

"Tea  are  favorite  drunk  of  Japan,"  I  exag 
gerate  pridefully.  "  It  are  served  there  with 
ceremony " 

"  It  are  served  here  with  tango,"  she  snib 
stylishly.  "  Did  you  ever  learn  how  ?  " 

"  Never  yet,"  I  nudge,  "  yet  I  can  quickly 
learn  to  include  that  amid  cream  &  sugar." 

"  How  irritated !  "  she  snib  while  making  her 
fingers  touch  her  fashionable  hairs.  "  How- 
everly,  since  it  is  too  late  already,  you  must  re 
main  staying." 

A  English  buttler  without  any  H  in  his  words 
took  me  to  long  room  and  show  me  how  pile  up 
furniture  and  remove  off  all  explosive  glassware 
from  table. 

"  Why  you  make  so  much  removal  ?  "  I  ask  to 
know. 

"  When  tea-drink  begin  they  commence  dance," 
he  acknowledge. 

"  Tea  never  make  persons  dance  in  Japan,"  I 
snagger. 

"  It  are  only  commencing  to  have  that  effect 
in  America,"  he  explain.  "  But  in  1014  it  are 
fashionable  to  have  it  go  to  feet  when  swal 
lowed." 


Togo  Seeks  Tea  and  Finds  Tango  115 

I  were  chewing  this  education  with  my  brain 
when  confused  varieties  of  Smart  Setters  arrive 
up  with  enlarged  limousine  hacks  and  make  ha- 
ha  handshake  including  Vernon  Castle  expres 
sion. 

I  notice  great  absence  of  that  stiff-souled  dig 
nity  peculiar  to  Japanese  Ambassadors  when 
thirsty  for  Oolong.  Everybody  acted  like  a  di 
vorce  and  some  ladies  appeared  considerable 
Geisha. 

Hon.  Mrs.  Vanderbitt  Jones  stand  by  rugs, 
with  flirting  expression  and  say,  "  Howdy, 
Freddy,"  whenever  Newport  clothing  arrive  up. 
Musical  orchestra  from  behind  palm-bushes 
commence  play  "  O  You  Gabble  Gabble  Glide  " 
and  nobody  could  prevent  misbehavior  of  feet. 
Considerable  gentlemen  then  obtain  seizure  of 
considerable  ladies  and  commence  circulating 
with  stride  away  expression  of  knees. 

"If  this  is  tea  where  is  it?"  I  require  from 
my  soul.  No  answer  as  yet. 

My  eyes  equaled  Sherlock's  in  search  of  that 
beveridge  which  should  be  there.  I  could  not 
detect.  No  appearance  of  steepage,  cup-saucer, 
sammyvar,  or  other  tools  for  making  that  hot 
sip.  Yet  somewheres  I  could  hear  dice-box 
sound  peculiar  to  small  icebergs  clattering  to 
gether.  O  yes!  I  saw.  Coyly  concealing  be 
hind  palm-bushes  I  observe  considerable  buttler 
shaking  up  tea  in  silver  jigglers  to  include 
ice. 

Pretty  soonly  lady  &  gentleman  arrive  up  full 


n6  Hashimura  Togo 

of  fatigues  from  so  much  slouchy-slouchy  dance- 
step. 

"  We  will  take  slight  tea,"  they  dement  from 
Hon.  Buttler. 

"What  variety,  please?"  he  require  servantly. 

"  Martini,"  snuggest  those  couple.  Hon.  But 
tler  pour.  More  pairs  of  persons  emerge  up. 
More  shakes  with  ice.  More  gobbles.  More 
dances. 

Hon.  Mrs.  Vanderbitt  Jones,  formerly  very 
clam-eye  and  Buckingham  in  her  appearance  of 
silk  clothing,  abruptly  seize  one  smallish  dance- 
gentleman  and  become  more  Geisha  than  all 
others  collapsed  together. 

"  It  are  tango  who  put  the  tease  into  tea,"  re 
nounce  one  gentleman-boy  twirkling  by  with 
lady-girl. 

"  You  are  very  Bernard  Shaw  today,  Edger- 
ley,"  she  report  back  with  eyes.  "  Of  formerly 
it  used  to  be  deliciously  difficult  to  compel  men 
&  husbands  to  come  to  tea.  Now  you  cannot 
keep  them  away  with  weapons.  Why  is  that 
swift  change  ?  " 

"  When  the  tea  goes  out  the  tango's  in,"  he 
define,  attempting  to  wear  wit  under  his  mous 
tache. 

It  was  very  hard  science  to  describe  this  tango- 
waltz  when  I  saw  it,  Mr.  Editor.  It  are  similar 
to  a  minuet  danced  by  eels.  Angry  elbows  seem 
to  be  slipping  around  everywheres  while  each 
ladies  and  gentlemen  seem  to  be  walking  side- 
wise  without  intending  to  go  there.  Such 


Togo  Seeks  Tea  and  Finds  Tango  117 

chuckly  movements  of  ducking  away  from  music 
amid  bounces !  Such  clutch  and  jolt  containing 
great  poetry!  I  could  not  unstand  how  persons 
could  do  this  American  jiu-jitsu  without  in 
jurious  breakage  of  their  personality.  And  yet 
no  ambulance  was  called. 

While  I  stood  thusly  composing  thoughts, 
Hon.  Buttler  walk  to  me  with  side-face  mous 
tache  similar  to  Hon.  Chauncey  Depew  when 
not  joking. 

"  While  you  are  doing  nothing  you  should  not 
stand  idly  around,"  he  dib. 

"You  wish  me  dance  also?"  I  snuggest. 

"  I  wish  you  to  go  to  royal  reception  door 
downside  and  permit  entrance  to  all  calling 
guests."  This  he  say  with  voice  so  expensive  I 
feel  entirely  bankrup. 

So  I  go  downside  to  reception  door  where  I 
set  long-time  for  lonesome  company  by  the  knob. 
Occasionately  that  music  play  so  flirtatious  that 
my  feet  misbehave.  Pretty  soonly  came  ring- 
ring  to  door.  I  admit.  In  come  lengthwise  gen 
tleman  with  Woodrow  Wilson  expression  and 
black-front  necktie  peculiar  to  clergy. 

"  What  name,  if  any  ?  '  I  ask  to  know.  I  made 
my  voice  show  insults  peculiar  to  fashion. 

"  I  am  Rev.  Mr.  Scornaway,  of  St.  Lucre 
parish,"  he  deliver.  "  I  have  came  to  tea  as 
usual  on  Wedsday." 

"  This  is  no  place  for  a  clergy,"  I  dictate  warn- 
fully.  "  You  can  save  your  reputation  by  taking 
it  away  with  you." 


n8  Hashimura  Togo 

"What  do  you  mean  by  your  meaning?"  he 
snagger.  "  Do  not  Mrs.  Vanderbitt  Jones's  cards 
say  Tea  on  Wedsday  ?  " 

"  This  are  not  the  kind  of  Wedsday  you  think 
it  is,"  I  abrupt. 

"  Poor  benightied  heathen ! "  he  narrate. 
"  Have  I  not  been  arriving  here  for  tea  for  the 
last  twenty  (20)  years  since  date  when  Hon. 
Cyrus  J.  Jones  was  President  of  National  Dis 
trust  Co.  ?  Have  I  not  been  here  to  talk  church- 
\vork  with  elderly  ladies  while  setting  down 
amidst  famus  statesmen  and  talk  on  topics? 
Have  I  not  met  most  greatest  dignity  in  America 
within  this  house?" 

"  You  will  not  meet  them  now,"  I  clabber,  "  or 
if  so  they  will  be  doing  something  else." 

"  Pleasantly  permit  me  to  pass  inside,"  he 
snarrel  clergetically. 

"  O  not  to  do!  "  I  holla  with  Samurai  knockles 
preventing  his  forthstepping.  "  If  I  relate  what 
horror  that  tea  is  now  doing  you  will  not  dare  to 
go  inside  with  your  profession." 

"  Tell  me  the  entire !  "  he  commit  bravely. 

"  They  are  making  tango !  "  I  whasper  with 
ears  full  of  frights. 

Hon.  Rev.  Mr.  express  great  sternness  in  his 
jaws  like  a  reformer  fighting  Indians. 

"  Let  me  get  at  them !  "  he  growell. 

"  O  joyful !  "  I  acknowledge.  "  Then  you  are 
determined  to  stop  it  ?  " 

"  No ! !  "  he  gargle.  "  I  am  determined  to 
dance  it ! ! !  " 


Togo  Seeks  Tea  and  Finds  Tango  119 

I  collapse  backwards  to  setty  chair  and  per 
mit  him  to  advance  to  middle  of  music.  For 
13  1-8  minutes  I  remained  stationary  attempt 
ing  to  fan  away  my  faint.  Then  considerable 
bashido  filled  my  forehead  and  I  leapt  to  my 
footwear.  Upstairs  to  dance-hall  parlor  I  go. 
There,  surrounded  by  sidesteps,  hand-clasps, 
whirligig  promenades,  eye-gaze,  romp,  Vienna 
tunes  and  acrobats  I  observed  Hon.  Rev.  Mr. 
circulating  in  clutch  with  Mrs.  Vanderbitt  Jones. 
Determinely  I  advance  to  middle  of  and  stand 
befront  them. 

"  Hon.  Mrs.  Madam,  if  conveniently — "  I  com 
mence  to  be  interrupted. 

"  What  is  ?  "  she  require,  continuing  to  cir 
culate. 

I  am  obliged  to  make  delicious  dance-motions 
so  I  can  keep  up,  yet  I  pursue  near  her. 

"If  convenient  I  quit,"  is  reprove  for  me.  I 
must  now  double  three  loops  and  whirl  my  arms 
bias  to  remain  next. 

"  Why  you  don't  quit  without  application  to 
me  ?  "  she  ask  it  while  2-stepping. 

"  I  wish  tell  you  my  feelings  before  departure," 
I  reject  while  gliding  my  feet  onwards  and  twin 
ing  my  chest  in  stroggle  to  follow  her  closely. 
"  I  shall  not  be  a  servant  in  such  a  fidgetty  home. 
I  shock!  What  is  becaming  of  America?  In 
stead  of  sipping  tea,  as  formerly,  they  dance  it. 
Instead  of  enjoying  sociability  with  brain  they 
do  it  with  feet.  They  act  midnight  at  five 
o'clock.  Preachers  come  to  preach  and  stay  to 


I2O  Hashimura  Togo 

prance.     Therefore,  I  remove  myself  to  some 
other  jobs." 

"Jeems!"  Hon.  Mrs.  holla  to  Hon.  Buttler, 
yet  still  continue  fantango  whirling,  "  here  are 
Japanese  schoolboy  who  should  be  discharged  to 
music.  Tango  him  down  back  steps." 

Nextly  I  knew  I  were  embraced  by  that  tense 
Englishman  without  any  H  in  his  voice.  While 
music  burst  up  into  runaway  tune,  Hon.  Buttler 
show  me  tango  so  rapidly  I  did  not  know  my 
ears  from  my  knuckles.  O  such  musical  scuttle- 
step,  back- walk,  elbow- jounce,  and  twist- vine 
movement  towards  outside  side  of  house!  And 
there  I  suddenly  arrived  followed  by  orchestra- 
sound  including  kick. 

So  I  i -step  away  with  bursted  gracefulness 
peculiar  to  lame  duck. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XV 

Are   Turkey- Waltzing  a   Dance   or   a 
Convulsion? 

To  Editor  N.  Y.  Newsprint,  who  must  have 
many  subscribers  because  he  know  that  where 
there  is  Life  there  is  Blood  and  where  there  is 
Blood  there  is  Circulation  (free  joke) 

DEAR  MR.: — The  Japanese  Patriotic  and 
Educational  Suicide  Club,  of  which  I  are 
correspondent  Secretary  last  night  give  a 
waltzing  cotillion  and  lemonade   (25c  for  extra 
ladies  who  drunk  it)  at  Rising  Sun  Banzai  Asso 
ciation    Hall.     Considerable    fashion   of   yellow 
complexion  was   there   with    Sadikichi's    Brass 
Orchestra  to  play   it  whenever  we   danced   it. 
Excitements. 

Considerable  Japanese  schoolgirls  was  fetched 
there  by  that  nationality  and  I  was  deliciously 
shocked  to  see  how  American  they  looked.  They 
wore  crippled  skirts  of  considerable  thinness  and 
their  shoulder  blades  seemed  absolutely  destitute. 
I  fetch  Miss  Ruby  Fujimuto,  Japanese  lady  of 
aggrevated  beauty,  with  me  for  escort.  When 
she  removed  off  her  opera-house  cloak,  I  look  at 
her  with  my  expression  all  braided  up. 

121 


122  Hashimura  Togo 

"  Ladies  should  be  praised  for  their  economy," 
I  corrode  while  observing  the  cloth  that  was  not 
there. 

She  curbed  up  with  bridle  expression. 

"You  no  like  the  way  my  neck  is  cut?"  she 
snagger,  showing  peevness  by  her  soprano. 

"  Your  neck  is  not  cut,"  I  narrate.  "  I  know 
because  I  can  see  it  all." 

She  seem  less  engaged  to  me  than  formerly 
and  eloped  away  to  make  dance-step  with  J. 
Haro,  Japanese  photographer. 

Hon.  Sadakichi's  Brass  Orchestra  make  music 
resembling  roof  gardens. 

At  that  moment  of  time  I  could  observe  how 
everybody  was  dancing.  They  seemed  to  be 
jouncing  in  couples,  making  crowd-up  walk  with 
occasional  slouchy-slouchy  motion  while  their 
eyes  said  "  How-do !  "  with  Romeo  expression 
peculiar  to  Shakespeare. 

"  It  are  nice  for  youngly  persons  to  be  affec 
tionate,"  I  commute.  "  But  when  will  dancing 
begin?" 

"  They  are  now  Turkey-waltzing,"  depose 
Arthur  Kickahajama,  missionary  boy,  with  Tux 
edo  eyebrows. 

My  cousin  Nogi,  who  arrive  there  with  Miss 
Alice  Sago  (divorced)  approach  to  me  and  wish 
I  should  Turkey-waltz  with  her  because  he  was 
lame  from  when  she  kicked  him.  I  told  him  I 
was  a  Methodist  heathen,  therefore  my  feet  was 
too  religious  to  dance. 

"Turk-waltzing  are  denatured  dancing,"  ar- 


Turkey- Waltzing  123 

range  Miss  Sago  with  alimony  smiles.  "  Come, 
Mr.  Togo,  I  show  you  how  do  it ! "  So  I  went 
and  stroggled. 

Mr.  Editor,  while  I  made  gymnastix  with  that 
charmed  lady,  I  wished  send  you  several  edi 
torials.  What  are  this  Turkey- Waltz,  I  ask  to 
know  ?  Were  it  invented  by  Turks  at  Adrianople 
while  wrastling  with  the  Vulgarian  army?  Did 
Turkish  soldiers  think  up  that  peculiarostous 
step  while  rolling  barrels  of  powder  at  Greece? 
Why  should  persons  blame  Turks  with  this  style 
of  trotting  if  they  never  did  it?  Mohammedans 
has  got  sifficient  bad  habits  of  their  own  without 
accusing  them  of  some  more ! 

This  Miss  Sago  shove  me  here  &  elsewhere 
with  neglectful  expression  peculiar  to  rousta 
bouts.  When  music  play  "  All  Persons  Are 
Doing  Something  "  she  attemp  to  dissociate  my 
spine  by  wig-wagging  my  elbows. 

"  Make  your  ankles  more  diagonal !  "  she  de 
clare  with  sweety  schoolteacher  face.  I  wish  to 
ask  her  marry  me,  but  wondered  what  might 
happen  if  I  did.  I  make  slight  jiu  jitsu  to 
her  wrist,  •  but  she  got  more  stronger  grippe 
while  I  jounce  alternately  like  tables  in  earth 
quakes. 

"  My  feet  are  filled  with  clumsies,"  I  narrate 
baffably. 

"  That  are  very  valuable  in  Turk-trotting,"  she 
say  for  sweetly  smiling. 

"  So  is  ?  "  I  holla.  "  I  always  sipposed  folks 
must  be  graceful  to  make  dance  step." 


124  Hashimura  Togo 

"  They  ust  to,  but  no  more,"  she  expose.  "  All 
fashionable  4005  today  when  dancing  considers 
it  great  elegance  to  appear  like  drunken  sailors 
wrestling  with  bears." 

I  should  have  responded  to  her  educational 
catalogue,  but  she  was  showing  me  new  jag-step 
where  I  could  elevate  my  knees  to  music  while 
being  choked. 

"  I  will  nextly  show  you  how  do  the  Jellyfish 
Crawl,"  she  pronounce  with  Tipsichore  expres 
sion. 

"  If  I  learned  any  more  dances  I  should  be 
come  a  Geisha,  which  are  less  proper,"  I  renig 
shyly  while  eloping  away  from  her  armful  with 
talented  dodges. 

When  I  was  hiding  behind  palum  trees  where 
she  could  not  see  me  I  watched  considerable  tur- 
key-trottery,  bunny-huggery,  etc.,  with  eyes  full 
of  science.  Dignified  home-made  Japanese  was 
making  roof-garden  loops  with  their  legs  in  such 
a  way  their  wife  &  children  would  feel  siprised. 
Arthur  Kickahajama,  missionary  boy,  were  doing 
sidewise  catch-and-let-go  dance  with  Miss 
Mamie  Furaoki.  After  that  actions  I  could  not 
see  how  he  ever  could  look  a  Y.  M.  C.  A.  in  the 
face  again.  First  they  glid  together  with  expres 
sion  of  happy  crabs,  then  they  made  a  twillup, 
two  cross-legs  &  3  bounces.  This  was  followed 
by  clutches. 

'  They  are  dancing  Tango,"  pronounce  Syd 
ney  Katsu,  Jr.,  who  was  floorwalking  like  a  com 
mittee. 


Turkey- Waltzing  125 

"  What  slum  teaches  persons  dance  like  that  ?  " 
I  abject  doggishly. 

"  Sometimes  Bowery,  sometimes  Fifth  Ave 
nue,"  he  report  for  tone  of  high-social. 

"  Do  Fifth  Avenue  permit  the  Bowery  to 
teach  them  depravity  ?  "  I  require. 

"Ah  no!"  ollicute  Sydney.  "Fifth  Avenue 
are  teaching  the  Bowery.  Vices  are  like  other 
kinds  of  furniture.  Rich  folks  uses  them  first 
and  only  pass  them  on  to  poor  folks  when  they 
are  second  hand.  Thusly  the  slums  are  seldom 
safe." 

"  After  Tango  is  finished  what  new  dance  will 
explode  in  the  Smarty  Set  ?  "  are  next  question 
for  me. 

"  Not  sure,"  Sydney  say  so  with  Harry  Leer 
eyebrows.  "  Last  week  I  hear  how  some  high- 
style  Newporters  had  gone  to  Africa  for  try 
dancing  with  some  cannibles  what  knew  some 
deliciously  low  down  steps.  But  after  the  first 
dance  they  had  to  quit  because  they  was 
ashamed." 

"  Who  was  ashamed — the  Newporters  ?  " 

"  No,  the  cannibles,"  notate  Sydney  Katsu, 
Jr.,  looking  like  he  was  prepared  to  be  raided  by 
police. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XVI 

When    Will    Lady-Fashions    Get 
Ashamed  of  Themselves? 

To  Editor  N.  Y.  Newsprint  or  whoever 
prints  it 

DEAR  SIR:— Of  lately  I  have  been  study 
ing  American  style  of  fashions  for  ladies, 
so   I   shall  know  your  civilization    from 
both  ends.    It  are  a  very  hard  science  to  chase 
and  in  doing  so  I  annexed  my  acquaintance  to 
Miss  Alice  Furaoki,  to  who  I  shall  become  en 
gaged  when  divorced.    This  sweet-hearted  Japa 
nese    schoolgirl    dress    so   similar    to    American 
actresses  you  cannot  tell  her  from  white  lady,  ex 
cept  when  you  look  at  her. 

Last  Satday  eve  p.  m.,  when  I  was  accomplish 
ing  her  down  street  for  see  emotion-picture  show, 
price  loc,  I  felt  very  Vanderbiltish  to  walk 
so  near  to  Newport  dressmaking.  My  eye 
hooked  itself  to  her  clothing  and  remained  there 
till — O  sudden ! — I  observe  what  was.  I  blushed 
entirely  yellow. 

"  Excuse,  please,  Hon.  Miss  Sweetheart,"  I 
gollup.  "  Your  dressmake  has  axidentally  for 
got  to  sew  up  the  ankle  of  your  skirt  so  I  observe 
something  deranged." 

126 


Lady- Fashions  127 

"  What  derangement  do  you  observe  ?  "  she  re 
quire  with  Vassar  eyebrows. 

"  Not  sure,"  I  stotter.  "  It  seems  to  resemble 
the  biceps  of  your  hosiery." 

"  That  biceps  is  situated  where  it  usually  is," 
she  otter  clamly  like  an  ice  box. 

"  Should  it  be  ashamed?  "  I  ask  shockly. 

"  It  are  style,"  she  decry,  "  and  style  are  never 
ashamed.  Togo,  why  should  you  stand  there 
gasping  like  Queen  Victoria  seeing  Paris?  This 
garments  I  are  wearing  are  called  a  gashed  skirt 
and  is  now  very  favorite  at  Newport,  and  Jew- 
port,  on  Fifth  &  Sixth  Avenues.  Queen  Mary 
of  London  wore  one  (very  slightly)  while  giving 
Ice  Cream  Social  to  Knights  of  the  Garter.  In 
Paris  it  were  even  more  so,  as  usual.  Two 
French  countesses  from  Minneapolis  appeared 
tired  out  in  this  costume  at  Long  Chumps  race 
course  and  everybody  was  so  asphyxiated  by 
charm  they  forgot  to  lose  their  money." 

"  Horses  must  feel  very  slow  when  racing 
against  such  style,"  I  report  nervely.  "I  am 
alarmed  to  think  to  where  fashions  will  jump  to 
nextly." 

"  More  will  soonly  explode  from  Vienna  where 
a  gentleman-dressmake  have  invented  a  dress  all 
of  glass,"  she  narrate  with  smiling  eyebrows. 
"  It  will  be  worn  in  beautiful  green  shades." 

"  Green  shades  are  necessary  to  pull  down 
sometimes  when  you  are  living  in  glass  clothing," 
I  say  so  for  Elbert  Hubbard  smartness. 

Miss  Furaoki  make  no  intellectual  reply,  so 


128  Hashimura  Togo 

we  arrive  inside  emotion-picture  show  to  see  that 
noiseless  opera.  I  think  I  shall  marry  her  sooner 
than  ever. 

Mr.  Editor,  Hon.  Anthony  Comestop  and 
other  celebrated  purities  is  continuously  com 
plaining  because  female  ladies  is  becoming  too 
much  seen  in  public  places.  Women  is  becom 
ing  too  brave  and  their  skirts  too  shrinking. 
Hon.  Comestop,  who  are  not  so  strong  as  he 
were  before  he  took  up  modesty  as  a  business, 
fainted  2^2  times  when  he  seen  photos  of  Lady 
Bluff-Gorgon's  latest  style-simpony  entitled 
"  Spring  Twilight "  and  he  have  ordered  entire 
U.  S.  Army  to  encamp  at  Custom  House  to  stop 
it  when  she  send  over  Fall-style  walking-suit 
called  "  September  Morn." 

Considerable  ministers,  judges  and  boss  police 
men  has  been  talking  like  angry  uncles  to  ladies 
because  of  the  increasing  decrease  of  their  cloth 
ing.  I  read  in  news-print  last  week  how  Hon. 
Judge  Killjoy  of  Salem,  Mass.,  wish  to  burn  all 
witches  under  27  years  of  age  for  bewitching 
gentlemen  by  the  clothes  they  don't  wear.  Last 
week  he  order  Hon.  Police  to  grabb  all  ladies 
wearing  dangerous  skirts,  but  Hon.  Police  were 
too  lazy  to  arrest  entire  female  population,  so  he 
brought  Village  Belle  into  court,  because  she 
looked  most  so. 

Hon.  Judge  observe  that  lady's  clingstone  ap 
pearance  and  put  on  eye-spectacles,  because  must 
see  careful. 

"  Mrs.  Madam,"  he  report  legally  like  Hon. 


Lady-Fashions  129 

Taft,  "I  are  not  astonished  that  there  are  such 
delicious  quantities  of  Cubist  artists  in  this  gen 
eration.  They  are  the  only  artists  which  can 
paint  modern  ladydress  so  it  conceals  them  siffi- 
ciently." 

"  Do  you  not  like  what  I  got  on  ?  "  she  require. 

"  I  do  not  object  to  such  smallish  matters,"  he 
negligee.  "  It  is  for  the  absent  that  I  mourn." 

"  I  are  dressed  in  style,"  she  dib  feminitely. 

"  You  are  dressed  in  very  little  else,"  he  legal 
ize.  "  I  should  die  of  shames  if  I  should  see  my 
Wife  promenading  in  street  clad  in  such  a  lack." 

"  I  do  not  blame  you,"  she  snagger  snubbishly. 
"  I  once  saw  your  Wife  in  bathing  suit  and  can 
sympathize  with  you." 

Hon.  Judge  feel  considable  contempt  of  court 
for  this  remark,  yet  he  could  not  hang  her,  be 
cause  her  style  had  not  killed  anybody  yet. 

"  Who  is  it  buys  the  purchase  of  your  ward 
robe,  such  as  is?"  he  ask  to  know. 

"  My  husband,"  she  pronounce. 

"  I  shall  arrest  him  for  failure  to  provide,"  he 
renig  hashly.  So  he  lock  up  court  in  time  to  go 
codfish. 

Mr.  Editor,  numberous  reformers  is  making 
weep-voice  because  ladies  is  coming  out  in  worse 
&  worse.  Yet  I  are  less  alarmed.  Styles  is  like 
other  forms  of  advertisement — they  are  made  to 
create  look-at,  and  when  this  stop,  they  stop  also. 
Ladyfashions  is  always  worse  than  formerly,  yet 
never  so  bad  as  they  was.  If  you  think  1913  is 
hideolous,  look  at  1880;  if  you  think  that  uglifer- 


130  Hashimura  Togo 

ous,  observe  1870.  Before  the  Uncivil  War  con 
siderable  preachers  made  considerable  shock  be 
cause  ladies  wore  their  lingeries  next  to  their 
shoes.  In  reign  of  Gen.  Arthur  gentlemen  en 
joyed  much  sorrow  because  ladies  wore  their 
skirts  in  Psyche  knots  behind  their  backs.  And 
now  they  create  peev  because  ladies  does  not 
wear  sifficiently  enough  anywheres. 

At  what  periodical  time  of  civilization  have 
not  mankind  scolded  ladykind  for  something  she 
took  on  or  put  off?  You  would  think  from  how 
they  act  that  gentlemen  must  detest  ladies  for 
looking  so  homely.  Yet  suicide,  divorce  &  popu 
lation  increases  annually,  which  show  that  ladies 
can  never  dress  too  fashionable  to  be  loved  by 
someone. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XVII 
The  Drama  of  Sex 

To  Editor  N.  Y.  Newsprint  who  knows  how 
to  go  too  far  without  arriving  there. 

DEAREST  SIR:— My  Aunt  Taki  Kati, 
spinsterial  suffragette  from  Kobe,  Japan, 
arrived  here  of  recently  and  say  she  should 
like  see  all  the  customs  of  America. 

"  What  you  wish  see  firstly  ?  "  I  require  for 
guide-bookish  expression. 

"  Theater,"  she  say  so. 

"  Had  we  not  better  begin  with  some  other 
slum  first?"  I  ask  out.  "There  are  some  de 
licious  gunmen  in  jail  this  week;  Tammany  Hall 
are  still  open  to  tourists  and  I  could  show  you 
some  splandid  opium  smokeries  in  Chinatown, 
price  2Sc." 

"  Why  should  I  not  see  theater  first  ? "  she 
require  with  Pankhurst  eyebrows. 

"  Because  so,"  I  report.  "  To  enjoy  theater 
you  should  a  proach  it  gradually  like  any  other 
bad  habit.  It  are  better  to  work  up  from  mild 
to  more  strong.  Otherwisely  you  might  become 
ill  without  feeling  intoxicated.  Foreigners  in: 
tending  to  see  American  theaters  should  first 


132  Hashimura  Togo 

take  lessons  in  blonde-slavery,  debutchery,  gun- 
manliness  and  o.  u.  kiddery.  Then  they  can 
see  dramatic  arts  without  blushing  too  much." 

"  My  stumach  has  been  strengthened  by  hun 
ger  strikes,"  say  that  suffraging  Japanese. 
"  Therefore  I  can  stand  considerable  endur 
ance." 

"  What  variety  play  you  wish  observe  ? "  I 
say  it. 

"  Some  simple  domesticated  drama,"  she  in 
dicate.  So  we  went  forthly  for  see  what  was. 

Mr.  Editor,  when  we  approach  Broadway  that 
street  seem  about  like  usual.  Breathing  get  more 
difficulty  there  all  time,  because  so  many  new 
theaters  arise  there  each  night,  making  fresh  air 
umpossible. 

"  I  smell  the  odor  of  some  smell,"  narrate  my 
dear  Aunt  with  chokes. 

"  There  is  several  new  Viennese  plots  in  town," 
I  say  so. 

While  we  walked  we  could  see  following  flash 
ing  signs  winking  with  wicked  electricity : 

COUNTESS  NYMPHIA 
BY  SWINEBURG 
OPENLY  Vicious!! 

Next  sign  report: 

THE  GIRL  AND  THE  LIBERTINE 
A  HORRIBLE  HIT  ! ! 


The  Drama  of  Sex  133 

Next  theater  divulge: 

SLIGHTLY  SOILED 

THE  DRAMA  OF  DISEASE  ! ! 

Nearby  electricity  say: 

THE  WHITE  SLAVE'S  FROLIC 
MODERN  MUSICAL  COMEDY 
100  SHOCKING  SONGS!! 

My  Aunt  Taki  Kati  wish  see  this  opera,  be 
cause  she  admire  Gilbert  &  Sullivan  for  their 
tunes.  So  we  go  Box  Office  and  ask  buy  siti 
down  inside. 

"  We  do  not  sell  tickets,"  he  reply  peevly. 
"  Ain't  you  got  sifficient  brains  in  your  mind  to 
go  to  speculator  when  buying  tickets  ?  " 

We  find  Hon.  Speculator  by  sidewalk  looking 
quite  commercial. 

"  10$  each,"  he  report  with  tickets. 

"  Why  should  your  price  be  so  immodest  ? " 
I  snagger. 

"  This  are  an  immodest  play,"  he  snudge. 
"  Also  we  must  charge  extra  for  this  perform 
ance  because  the  author  will  be  arrested  after 
Act  II." 

I  knew  we  could  see  just  as  much  wickedness 
for  less  cash  money,  so  we  walk  onwards.  On 
side-up  street  we  see  sign  which  say: 

THE  LIMIT! 
ABUNDANTLY  WORST!! 


134  Hashimura  Togo 

At  this  play  we  obtain  sitting-room  price  3$ 
each,  which  were  deliciously  cheap  for  so  mucli 
sin.  When  we  got  inside  there  I  obtain  program, 
which  was  useless  for  my  Aunt  Taki,  who  do 
not  understand  American  language,  but  can 
blush  plenty  in  Japanese.  Following  words  was 
on  program: 

Evil  Characters  Represented 

J.  W.  Wineblower Vice-Presiclent 

of  Vice  Trust 

Mrs.  Lillian  Lorelei A  Temptation 

Venus A  poor  shop  girl 

There  was  many  others  on  that  program  which 
I  did  not  have  time  to  see  because  Hon.  Curtain 
go  uply  amidst  Rector  music.  The  scenery  was 
red  like  it  was  blushing  for  itself.  And  there 
sat  Hon.  Mrs.  Lorelei  removing  shoes  while 
smoking  opium.  Pretty  soonly  one  of  her  hus 
bands  encroach  in  and  complain  that  Hon.  Janitor 
has  been  putting  too  much  water  in  his  mor 
phine  this  week.  Knock-knock  by  door.  Hon. 
Police  arrive  in  and  accept  bribery.  Amidst 
considerable  talk  about  purity  Hon.  Miss  Venus 
arrive  in  and  say  she  cannot  obtain  sifficient  vice 
for  4$  weekly  in  department  store  where  she 
work.  Therefore  she  have  come.  I  shall  tell  you 
the  rest  when  I  can  whisper.  .  .  . 

Mr.  Editor,  when  Act  I  were  finished  up  my 
Aunt  Taki  Kati  smell  a  bottle  of  Japanese  salts 
for  take  the  taste  out  of  her  nose.  She  say 


The  Drama  of  Sex  135 

that  if  America  was  like  this  Japan  must  annex 
it  before  it  decayed.  She  say  her  oldmaiden- 
hood  were  insulted  by  that  sight  and  she  was  sure 
she  must  die  dead  from  shocks. 

"  Maybe  we  better  go  outside  for  ventilated 
air,"  I  snuggest. 

"  Ah  no !  "  she  otter.  "  Let  me  faint  where 
I  am.  If  I  went  out  I  might  lose  my  seat." 

But  I  feel  otherwisely.  I  would  rather  drink 
my  beer  in  some  saloon  where  thoughts  are  more 
pure.  So  I  elope  outside,  leaving  Hon.  Aunt  to 
shock  by  herself.  There  was  so  many  Presby 
terian  clergymans  coming  inward  that  I  was 
nearly  scrunshed  in  going  outward.  Yet  I  man 
age  to  get  to  lobbed  door  outside. 

By  Boxed  Office  I  notice  Hon.  Moses  Feld 
spar,  the  management,  talking  to  Chief  of  Police 
and  other  press  agents. 

"  You  are  less  ashamed  than  formerly,"  I  nar 
rate  hashly. 

"  Why  should  I  feel  ashamed  of  employing 
Truth  among  my  actresses  ?  "  he  snagger. 

"  I  never  saw  Truth  behave  so  careless !  "  I 
dib. 

"  She  are  most  truthful  when  naked,"  he  ex- 
clam. 

"  She  are,"  I  renig  for  scorns.  "  But  when 
Hon.  Stage  Manager  dress  her  in  X  ray  skirt  she 
appear  entirely  dishonest." 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XVIII 
Grand  Opera  in  English 

To  Editor  N.  Y.  Newsprint  who  can  be  con 
siderable  comical  without  music, 

DEAREST  SIR:— Cousin  Nogi  report  to 
me  recently  with  Oscar  Hammerstein 
eyebrows. 

"  Togo,"  he  say  so,  "  cannot  grand  opera  be 
equally  grand  when  pronounced  in  English  ?  " 

"  Frequent  theaters  is  now  doing  so  with  help 
of  talented  soprano,"  I  say  it. 

"  So  glad  to  hear ! "  contuse  my  cousin. 
"  Nextly  they  will  be  singing  Salome  in  Japa 
nese,  which  will  be  nice  education  for  Japan  who 
wish  to  be  educated  so  quickly  possible,  yet  like 
to  know  what  they  are  talking  about  while  doing 
so.  Now  they  can't  do,  thank  you.  Of  recently 
famous  sing-song  play  '  Carmen '  were  intro 
duced  in  Yeddo.  Considerable  confusion  en 
joyed.  When  Hon.  Bullfighter  emerge  forth 
from  slaughterhouse  yalling  '  Tor-ee-a-do-da ! ' 
in  elevator  voice,  all  Japanese  thinkers  present 
imagine  it  was  New  York  scenery  describing 
Tammany  Hall  after  election  while  Hon.  Jno.  P. 
Mitchel  were  congratulating  himself  on  cruelty 
to  tigers." 

136 


Grand  Opera  in  English        137 

"  While  grand  opera  is  in  English  all  persons 
can  understand  merely  by  ear,"  I  nudge  gladly. 

"  Will  not  German  language  lose  its  health  if 
translated  ?  "  require  Cousin  Nogi. 

"  Perhapsly,"  I  collapse.  "  American  language 
have  no  beautiful  words  like  '  lustspiel '  and 
'  Sauerbraten.'  Yet  maybe  they  could  use  some 
baseball  language  so  all  could  seem  natural." 

"  At  any  rates,"  say  Nogi,  "  it  must  be  entirely 
en  joyous  sensation  to  set  in  opera  and  know 
what  they  are  talking." 

"  Let  us  go  and  try  one,"  I  snuggest  with 
happy  hat. 

So  we  sonter  forthly  until  we  observe  theater 
what  say  "  Grand  Opera — English  Spoken  here." 
We  encroach  to  door  where  bull-board  pro 
nounce,  "  Opera  Longrin  by  Hans  Wagner, 
Famus  Cyclist." 

Annexed  to  door-entrance  stood  one  stylish 
bell-boy  who  hold  slight  program  in  his  thumbs. 

"  All  words  to  opera  2$c !  "  he  pronounce  dis- 
tinctually. 

"  Why  must  we  spent  this  }4$  for  words, 
please?"  I  ask  to  know. 

"  So  understand  what  stage-singers  say,"  re 
port  boy  containing  buttons. 

"  Do  they  not  say  it  in  English  ?  "  I  negotiate 
peevly. 

"  Not  sure,"  say  Hon.  Boy.  "  I  have  only  been 
here  a  week." 

We  step  inwards  and  observe  opera  going 
ahead  amid  considerable  crashes.  I  heard 


were  reading  Book  of  Opera  with  piano-tuner 
expression. 

"  What  she  mean  when  she  say,  '  O  wat  di 
spa !  "  I  requesh. 

"She  say,  'O  what  despair!"  he  pronounce 
distinctually. 

"  What  language  was  that,  please  ? "  This 
from  me. 

"  English,"  he  whisper  peevly. 

"  I  am  glad  to  make  its  acquaintance,"  I  argi 
slightly. 

Pretty  soonly,  after  considerable  choir-noise, 
Hon.  Orchestra  get  into  dispute  with  brass 
homers.  And  look,  see !  Down  wet  transporta 
tion  of  Erie  Canal  come  flotting  one  enormalousjly 
swollen  duck  and  on  him  stands  riding  one  han- 
sum  circus  man  in  tin  clothes.  Excitements. 


Grand  Opera  in  English       139 

Hon.  Tin  Gentleman  get  off  from  that  trained 
white  chicken  and  throw  hitching-rope  around 
his  stretched  neck.  Hon.  Poultry  bobb  chin  with 
peck-peck  expression  and  steam  away  with 
promptness  peculiar  to  commutation.  Hon.  Tin 
Hero  wave  muscles  of  fingers. 

"  Feh-wa !  Feh-wa !  Ma  fayvu  swa !  "  he  war- 
bule  with  sweet  lung. 

I  turn  to  Hon.  Eye-Glass  next  by  me  who  still 
read  Opera  Book. 

"  What  was  he  said  it  ?  "  I  require  chivalrously. 

"  He  say,  '  Farewell,  farewell,  my  faithful 
swan ! '  "  he  snub  maddishly. 

"  Are  he  still  talking  English  ?  "  I  narrate. 

"  Hush  it !  "  he  snarrel.  "  Between  your  noise 
and  the  orchestra  I  cannot  hear  the  opera." 

"If  my  absence  will  make  this  art  easier  for 
your  mentality  I  shall  cease  to  blockade,"  are 
sharp  report  I  make  while  withdrawing  Cousin 
Nogi  outside  the  theater. 

Although  Nagasaki  by  birth,  I  am  Glasgow  in 
my  soul,  Mr.  Editor.  It  pangs  me  to  spend 
money  without  some  come-back  for  what  I  pay. 

So  I  enrush  up  to  box-office  with  money-back 
expression. 

"  I  require  get  at  leastly  35c  return  rebate  on 
these  stubbed  tickets,"  I  say  so  to  merely  financial 
gentleman  who  was  there. 

"  Why  for?  "  dib  Box  Officer  hashly. 

"  Because  is !  "  I  reject  scornly.  "  I  pay  large 
wealth  to  hear  English.  What  they  sung  was 
otherwise." 


140  Hashimura  Togo 

"  That  were  English !  "  say  Money  Box. 

"  I  could  not  understand  it."    Say  me. 

"  Nobody  expect  understood  Grand  Opera  in 
any  language,"  he  snagger.  "  Be  reasonable  like 
Sherman  Law." 

"  What  are  grand  opera  for,  if  not  ? "  I  ask 
to  know. 

"  Several  things.  To  give  folks  wrong  im 
pression  of  history  and  confuse  them  about  love 
while  admiring  Smart  Setters  in  diamond  horse 
shoe,"  he  define.  "  This  has  satisfied  Art  for 
311  years — why  should  you  require  something 
else  all  of  a  sudden?" 

"  Then  why  would  it  not  be  just  as  good  for 
Americans  if  sung  in  Chinese,  Swedish  or  Ger 
man  ?  "  I  negotiate. 

"  Because  of  patriotism,"  he  define.  "  Every 
man  prefer  to  be  puzzled  in  his  own  language." 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XIX 
A  Lesson  in  Eugenics 

To  Editor  N.  Y.  Newsprint,  who  will  please 
be  more  careful  about  choosing  his  ancestors  in 
the  future, 

DEAR  SIR:— Last  Wedsday  night  I  got 
feeling  of  lonesome  matrimony,  so  I  put 
on  Tuxedo  slippers  and  necktie  resem 
bling  Vogue.  I  was  not  sure  which  lady  I  in 
tended  for  marry,  but  I  go  see  Miss  Tessie 
Matsuki  because  I  could  get  there  without  car 
fare.  This  Matsuki  lady  live  over  store  of  her 
father,  Hon.  J.  W.  Matsuki,  Japanese  hay  & 
grain.  She  got  considerable  Vassar  intelligence 
and  would  make  nice  wife  for  librarian. 

I  found  her  by  lamplight  wearing  goldly  spec 
tacles  while  reading  enlarged  volume  entitle 
"  Eugenic." 

She  felt  my  biceps  while  shaking  hands  & 
seem  to  examine  my  hair  for  criminal  traits.  I 
ask  her  would  she  like  go  see  emotion  picture 
show  with  my  accompaniment.  She  say  no.  She 
prefer  set  stationary  and  talk  about  Future  Race, 
I  explan  that  I  did  not  keep  up  pretty  well  with 
sporty  events,  but  my  Cousin  Nogi  were  entirely 
141 


142  Hashimura  Togo 

educated  about  racing  &  baseball.  She  give  high- 
up  laugh  of  culture. 

"  Future  Race  are  not  sporty  event,"  she  de 
fine.  "  It  are  Eugenic." 

"  I  got  no  time  to  think  foreign  languages," 
I  say  so  while  admiring  her  sweethearted  expres 
sion  with  Garden  of  Allah  sensation.  "  I  come 
here  to  ask  some  big  importance.  Would  it  be 
convenient  to  get  married  ? " 

"  It  would  be  no  trouble  however,"  she  report 
for  smiling. 

"  O  then  we  shall !  "  I  holla  while  attempting 
to  hold  her  handclasp,  but  she  snatch  it  to  her 
self. 

"  If  suitable  I  shall  include  you  on  waiting 
list,"  she  snuggest. 

"  I  present  you  my  heart,"  I  renig  for  poetry. 

"  Condition  of  lung  are  more  important,"  she 
renounce.  "  Let  me  hear  your  deep  breathing." 
I  do  so.  She  listen.  "  Ah ! !  I  suspected  what  I 
supposed!  Your  left  pulmonia  has  slight 
anachronism.  How  dare  you  love  me  ?  " 

"  Permit  me  to  tell  about  myself !  "  I  yall  like 
Romeo. 

"  Tell  me  about  your  grandfather,  instead," 
she  abrupt. 

"  I  do  not  ask  you  marry  my  grandfather." 
This  from  me  while  enjoying  slight  agonies. 

"  In  Eugenic,"  she  report,  "  we  are  expected 
to  marry  entire  family." 

"  This  Eugene  must  come  from  Utah,"  I  snib. 
"My  grandfather  would  not  permit  such  ille- 


A  Lesson  in  Eugenics         143 

gality.  He  were  married  once,  which  were  too 
many.  Also  he  are  dead.  It  are  immoral  to 
marry  dead  folks." 

"  What  he  die  from  ? "  she  romp  forth. 

"Asthma  of  knees,"  I  pronounce. 

"  So  ha !    Then  you  got  diseases  in  family !  " 

"  You  expect  my  ancestors  to  die  from  being 
too  healthy  ?  "  I  ask  to  know.  "  Perhapsly  Hon. 
Eugene  who  wrote  that  book  will  teach  us  how 
to  do  so." 

"  He  expects  to  arrange  everything,"  she  com 
pose  proudishly.  "  His  speciality  will  be  mar 
riage.  Youngly  persons  will  be  selected  carefully 
like  Luther  Burbank  choose  best  potatoes  for 
crop." 

"  Will  this  Hon.  Eugene  make  some  new  mar 
riage  ceremony  ?  "  I  otter. 

"  That  have  been  arrange  also,"  she  tell. 
"  When  2  Eugeniuses  wish  get  married  following 
program  will  be  enjoyed: 

"  Joy-bells  will  be  jungled  from  tip-top  of 
gymnasium  where  members  of  Board  of  Health 
will  act  as  Ushers,  admitting  relatives  after  ex 
amining  their  tonsils.  Talented  vaudeville  per 
formers  will  play  '  Weddlesohn's  Mending 
March  '  on  Indian  clubs  while  Bride  &  Bride- 
broom,  wearing  Annit  Kellerman  bathing  suits  to 
show  no  deception  had  been  concealed,  will  walk 
up  aisle  hand-in-hand  with  parents  wearing  rub 
ber  gloves.  Bride  must  not  blush,  because  that 
are  sign  of  weak  heart  and  Bridebroom  must  not 
seem  nervus,  because  that  indicate  tendency  to 


144  Hashimura  Togo 

allipeptic  fits.  After  dumb-bell  drill  Rev. 
Preacher  will  step  uply." 

"  What  Rev.  Preacher  will  do  this  ceremony?  " 
I  inquest. 

"  Not  sure,"  she  negotiate.  "  Perhaps  Rev. 
Billy  Sunday  might  do,  because  of  muscular  re 
ligion." 

"  What  shall  this  marriage  service  say  ?  "  is 
next  question  for  me. 

"It  say  following  dialog: 

Rev.  Mr. ,  Do  you  love  this  woman? 

Bridebroom — No. 

Rev.  Mr. ,  Woman,  you  love  this  man  ? 

Bride — No. 

Rev.  Mr. Good.  You  have  no  inherited 

instinct.  You  swear  there  is  no  fits,  insanity  or 
general  ability  in  family?  (They  swear.) 

Then  stick  out  tongues,  please.  That  will  do, 
thank  you.  I  make  you  manandwife." 

Miss  Tessie  Matsuki  look  to  me  reproachly 
when  saying  this. 

"  What  happen  pretty  soonly  after  marriage  ?  " 
I  snuggest. 

"  Baby,"  she  pronounce.  "  He  are  born  per 
fect  without  a  blamish  or  any  other  sign  of  hu 
manity.  He  are  gave  perfectly  balanced  name 
like  Sandow  Socrates  Shakespeare  Scagg.  In 
babyhood  he  are  never  kissed.  In  schoolday  he 
are  never  spanked.  In  manhood  he  are  never 
loved.  And  so  he  grow  upward." 

"  What  do  he  become,  after  so  much  exercise 
— a  Congressman,  perhapsly  ?  " 


A  Lesson  in  Eugenics         145 

"  How  could  he  ?  Congressmans  are  noted  for 
imperfection." 

"  Then  perhapsly  he  would  be  novelist  or  play- 
right?" 

"  Ah  never  yet !  "  she  snatch.  "  How  could 
perfect  Man  be  connected  in  trade  with 
Jack  London,  Gus  Thomas  and  other  rough 
boys?" 

"Yet  there  might  be  some  jobs  for  him.  He 
could  be  machinery  engineer  of  prominent  great 
ness." 

"  Not  possibly!  "  she  reject.  "  Should  we  per 
mit  such  model  gentleman  to  build  subways  for 
political  scandals  ?  " 

"But  this  Eugenics  Baby  must  choose  some 
activity  of  work.  Shall  he  be  too  good  for  any 
profession  when  grown  up  ?  " 

"Indeed  will!"  she  holla.  "He  will  be  a- 
Father." 

"  Father  of  what  ? "  I  require  with  alarmed 
teeth. 

"  Of  children  similar  to  himself." 

"  Miss  Tessie  Matsuki,"  I  denominate  punc 
tually  while  choosing  my  hat  from  table,  "  ex 
cuse  my  escape.  I  wish  for  search  out  some 
young  lady  who  will  prove  her  unfitness  to  marry 
by  falling  in  love.  Please  excuse !  " 

"  Uncivilized  brain ! "  she  snarrel.  "  Go 
forthly!  Such  depraved  minds  like  yours  drive 
tacks  into  the  feet  of  Science  when  he  try  to 
progress.  And  yet  the  world  do  move,  in  spite 
of  Tammany  Hall." 


146  Hashimura  Togo 

"  Tammany  Hall  also  move  occasionally," 
corrode  with  Fusion  expression. 

So  I  elope  away  full  of  low  character. 
Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XX 
Togo's  Christmas  Day  in  the  Morning 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeep  Magazine  who 
realize  how  it  must  be  more  expensive  to  give 
than  to  receive. 

DEAR  MR.  SIR:— Merry  Xmas  thoughts 
fill  me  with  something  else.  My  brain 
refuse  to  ring  bells  in  connection  with  this 
annual  jingling.  Perhapsly  it  is  because  of  fol 
lowing  anecdote  which  happen  to  me: 

At  home  of  Mrs.  &  Mr.  J.  Poke,  Rockpile, 
N.  J.,  which  is  on  the  list  of  places  where  I  am 
no  longer  there,  I  was  employed  in  their  midst. 
That  family  contained  only  two  (2)  complete 
children,  but  they  were  sifficiently  plenty.  By 
name  they  was  Hester  and  Lester,  aged  5  &  7 
respectfully.  These  youngly  persons,  when 
healthy,  was  full  of  childly  amusements  including 
dish-break,  runaway,  knockabouts,  and  whittling 
pensils  with  Father's  safety  razor. 

But  by  approach  of  Xmas  time  they  suddenly 
became  otherwise.  I  notice  this  because  I  seen 
it.  They  walk  around  with  Y.  M.  C.  A.  expres 
sion  of  toes  and  seem  too  good  to  be  happy. 

"  Oh  childish  children !  "  I  require  from  them, 

147 


148  Hashimura  Togo 

"  why  so  you  do  so?    Do  you  enjoy  some  sleep 
ing  sickness  to  make  you  thusly  silent?" 

"Hush  it!"  they  depose.  "  Xmas  are  com 
ing!" 

"  Are  Xmas,  then,  such  saddish  event  that  you 
should  await  it  without  cheers?"  I  ask  to 
know. 

"  Oh,  not  is !  "  they  ollicute.  "  But,  unless  we 
behave  very  Sunday-school,  Hon.  St.  Claus  will 
not  arrive  with  gifts  of  great  cash  valuation." 

I  stand  gast  for  this  phenominal.  So  I  go  to 
Hon.  Mrs.  Poke  and  require  from  her,  "  Hon. 
Mrs.  Madam,"  I  say  so,  "  who  are  this  Hon.  St. 
Claus  who  seem  so  Carnegie  in  his  gifts?" 

"  He  resemble  Hon.  Doc  Cook,"  she  cnuggest, 
with  slyly  winking.  "  No  such  person  ever  was." 

"  How  so !  "  I  snatch  off  for  horrors.  "  Then 
I  must  inform  Hon.  Hester  &  Lester  about  this 
mistaken  personality." 

'  Not  to  do !  "  she  snagger  peevly. 

"  Why  should  not  ? "  I  ask  to  know,  with 
eyebrows. 

"  Because  thus,"  she  say  it.  "  I  told  them, 
about  this  Hon.  St.  Claus  from  my  own  voice." 

"How  you  could  be  so  deceptive?"  I  terrify. 

"  I  do  this  to  make  my  children  less  sinful  in 
their  comportment,"  she  snuggest.  "  When  they 
go  around  making  gunman  noises,  I  holla,  '  Stop 
before  Hon.  St  Claus  hear  you  and  refuse  to 
come!'  If  they  tell  untruthful  lies,  I  humiliate 
them  by  reproaching,  '  Hon  St  Claus  will  snub 
you  for  this  untruthfulness ! ' ' 


Christmas  Day  in  the  Morning    149 

"  Honesty  are  nice  exercise  for  children  to 
learn,"  I  corrode. 

She  make  pleasant  face  for  reply. 

"  On  Xmas  night-before,"  she  explan,  "  me  & 
Hon.  Mr.  Poke  set  up  slight  candle-tree  in  dining- 
room.  We  cluster  this  foliage  with  ornaments 
to  resemble  circus,  and  by  foot  of  it  we  place 
extended  quantities  of  drums,  guns,  horns,  can 
nons,  velocipedes,  baseballs  and  other  tools  with 
which  home  can  be  broke.  In  dawn-break  of 
morning  Hon.  Dear  Children  come  down  and 
observe.  '  Who  sent  it  ?  '  they  require.  '  Hon. 
St  Claus  bring  it  because  you  was  truthful  childs,' 
we  report.  '  How  he  get  in  ? '  they  ask  to  know. 
'  He  slid  down  chimbley-pipe,'  we  say  back  de 
ceptively.  So  merry  Xmas  is  enjoyed  by  all." 

"  Are  it  not  somewhat  sinful  to  relate  them 
fibbulous  tale  to  tender  child  ?  "  I  negotiate. 

"Ah,  no!"  she  abstract.  "If  childhood 
should  not  believe  in  St  Claus,  then  most  happy 
times  would  relapse  forever.  Togo,  you  must 
do  everything  what  possible  to  make  them  be 
lieve  in  this  whisker-gentleman." 

"  I  shall  attempt  to  think  up  something  de- 
liciously  deceptive,"  are  smart  answer  I  make. 

As  Xmas  date  approach  up,  Hon.  Hester  & 
Lester  become  more  fidgettous  in  their  psy 
chology. 

"  This  morning  I  dishcover  6  boxes  labeled 
'  Smith's  Toy  Store  '  in  basement  of  cellar,"  pro 
nounce  Hon.  Lester.  "  What  could  be  in  it  ?  " 


150  Hashimura  Togo 

"  Coal  is  frequently  packed  in  toy-boxes,"  I 
renounce. 

"  It  look  very  deceptive  to  me,"  deploy  infant 
Hester. 

"  At  times  I  are  discouraged  about  St  Claus,'' 
narrate  Hon.  Lester. 

"  So  sinful  thought !  "  I  holla. 

"  How  could  I  believe  in  gentleman  I  never 
seen?  Where  is  his  photo?  I  suspect." 

"  Many  distinguished  persons  is  shy  about 
photos,"  I  abrupt. 

"  Perhapsly,"  aggrevate  Hon.  Lester.  "  Yet 
other  things  I  cannot  understand  with  brain. 
Hon.  Parents  tell  me  how  Hon.  St  Claus  comes 
sliding  down  chimbley-pipe  with  gifts.  I  have 
awaited  many  nights  to  observe  this  downfall, 
yet  he  never  come.  Therefore  he  ain't." 

"If  you  should  seen  him  make  in-shoot  by 
chimbley-pipe,  would  you  believe  this  whiskered 
fairy  ?  "  I  ask  it. 

"  Oh,  surely  yes !  "  response  Hester  &  Lester 
together  like  chorus  girls. 

"  Then  on  Xmas  morning  you  shall  observe 
him ! "  I  abrogate  with  earnest  expression  of 
teeth. 

On  date  previously  before  Xmas  I  go  to  town- 
village  with  weekly  salary,  price  $5,  and  pur 
chase  considerable  wheel-cart,  squeak-doll,  jump- 
up- Jack,  and  other  childish  amusement.  These  I 
poke  under  overcoat  and  retreat  home  slyly  like 
snails  walking  over  upholstery. 

When  night  time  was  there,  Hon.  Hester  & 


Christmas  Day  in  the  Morning    151 

Lester  was  cruelly  sent  to  bedtime  and  locked 
asleep  so  they  would  not  find  out  about  Hon.  St 
Claus.  As  soonly  as  they  make  sleep,  Mrs.  &  Mr. 
Poke  command  me  for  bring  forth  Xmas-tree.  I 
make  him  grow  from  soap-box  in  dining-room.  I 
assist  intelligently  hanging  this  foliage  with  tin 
fruit,  including  numberous  candles  standing  on 
limbs  to  resemble  candy  fireworks.  While  Hon. 
Poke  boss  my  enthusiasm,  I  fetch  forth  consid 
erable  heavy  toy-boxes  from  basement  of  cellar. 
Back-broke  feelings  by  me.  Yet  I  continue  this 
labors  until  mixed  assortment  of  Xmas  stood  by 
tree  with  deceptive  labels  about  Hon.  St  Claus. 

At  i  o'clock  hour  a.  m.  Mrs.  and  Mr.  retire 
bedward,  exhausted  from  observing  my  work. 
But  my  dutiful  labors  had  just  commenced.  I 
must  prepare  to  show  those  childish  children 
how  Hon.  Mr.  Claus  down-slide  down  chimbley- 
pipe. 

All  house  was  full  of  darkness.  Frozen  moon 
light  outside.  With  sneekret  feetsteps,  like 
snakes  swimming  in  oil,  I  approach  to  closet  and 
fetch  forth  following  articles  of  clothes : 

1  minkish  ottomobile  coat 

2  boots  of  rubberly  exterior 
i  cap  from  Eskimo  leather 

YZ  Ib  cotton  resembling  whisker. 

I  drop  all  them  presents  I  bought  inside  one 
laundry-bag,  place  myself  into  those  garments  of 
clothes,  then  with  detective  toes  I  descend  up 
through  attric  to  where  chimbley-pipe  was  on 
roof. 


152  Hashimura  Togo 

4  o'clock  time  now  approach.  Making  affec 
tionate  hugs  to  Hon.  Chimbley,  I  could  tell  it  was 
Xmas  by  the  feel  of  the  themometer.  By  peek 
ing  down  Hon.  Chimbley,  I  could  see  how  it  was 
sifficiently  large  hole  to  permit  my  Japanese 
smallness — yet  I  must  compress  myself  to  do  so. 
I  enjoyed  considerable  nervusness  like  heroes  ex 
pecting  to  dive  down  Mt.  Vesuvius. 

Pretty  soonly  6  a.  m.  was  there  and  I  was  not 
yet  froze  completely  hard.  By  listening  down 
chimbley-pipe  with  telephone  expression,  I  could 
hear  childhood  voices  coming  down-stairs  say 
ing  "  Oh ! !  "  It  were  time  for  me  to  make  some 
slide. 

I  pull  }/2 Ib  cotton  to  my  chin,  snuggle  Hon. 
Bag  to  back,  and  commence  climbing  into 
chimbley.  What  was?  Distinctually  I  could 
smell  slight  smudj  of  smoke  coming  upwards! 
Yet  it  were  too  late.  Already  I  was  slipping, 
down-sliding  slowly.  Great  chokes  enjoyed. 
When  nearly  down  I  stuck  up  suddenly.  More 
chokes. 

"  Oh,  hellup,  hellup !  "  I  gollup. 

"Who  there?"  demand  Hon.  Poke  below- 
down. 

"  Hon.  St  Claus  containing  smoke !  "  I  yellup. 
"  Make  haste  or  else  be  quick !  " 

Some  individual  persons  grabb  me  at  toes. 
With  intense  drag  I  was  pulled  forth  to  fire 
place  where  blazes  was.  My  cottonly  whisker 
become  inflamed,  and  in  desperado  attempt  I 
clash  against  Xmas-tree  which  tottle  over  amidst 


Christmas  Day  in  the  Morning    153 

horble  fire-alarms.  Great  holla  by  all.  Then  I 
am  a  hero,  as  usual.  While  all  others  make 
hook-and-ladder  noise,  I  embrace  Hon.  Tree 
with  elbows  and  reject  him  outwards  through 
window.  Of  finally  all  was  silent,  except  slight 
smell  of  smudj. 

"  What  impossibility  are  you  attempting  to  act 
like?"  require  Hon.  Mrs.  sarcastly. 

"Hon.  St  Glaus,"  I  report. 

"  Why  you  no  entrance  by  door  ? "  shreech 
Hon.  Mr.  with  wounded  knuckle. 

"  Doors  is  not  respectable  for  Saints  to  come 
in  by,"  I  devote. 

"  They  are  plenty  for  Japanese  to  go  out  by," 
resnort  him,  escorting  me  outwards  with  brutal 
jam. 

And  when  I  was  deploying  away  from  there  I 
hear  Hester  &  Lester  report  in  voice  together: 

"  We  have  saw  Hon.  St  Claus.  We  do  not 
care  to  meet  such  a  person ! " 

So  I  depart  off  feeling  like  an  umpossibility. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XXI 
The  Head  of  the  House 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeeping  Magazine, 
civilised  personality  who  knows  everything  about 
home  except  what  goes  on, 

DEAR  SIR: — Last  place  from  which  I  was 
rebounded  were  home  of  Mrs.  &  Mr.  An 
nette  Pratt,  Curfew  Glen,  N.  J.  These 
individuals,  though  not  peculiar  from  themselves, 
had  home-names  what  distincted  them  entirely. 
Hon.  Mrs.  Pratt  was  Mother  Love,  Hon.  Mr. 
Pratt  was  Father  Darling  and  Hon.  Daughter 
Pratt  was  Mabel  Dear.  This  Mabel  Dear  was 
half-past  schoolgirl  age.  She  enjoy  such  aggre- 
vated  health  that  her  mother  make  considerable 
worry  for  her. 

"  Why  should  not  Mabel  Dear  help  Togo  make 
housework  ?  "  require  Hon.  Husband  while  see 
ing  her  idly  resting. 

"  She  must  enjoy  her  headaches  each  morning 
during  housekeep  hours,"  snuggest  Mother  Love. 
"  It  are  fashionable  to  be  illhealthy  until  noon." 

"  Her  illhealthiness  do  not  keep  her  from  ten 
nis-play,  night-set-up*  tango  &  flirtating  which 
she  do  considerable,"  commute  Hon.  Him  with 
grouches  in  his  voice. 

154 


The  Head  of  the  House   155 

"  Fortunately  she  can  accomplish  slight  duties 
expected  of  any  high-bread  girl,"  gollup  Hon. 
Mrs. 

"  When  I  was  boy  my  mother  knew  nothing 
about  Vermin  Castle  dance,  yet  she  could  make 
doughnut,  quilt,  soap,  beds  and  many  other  de 
licious  home  cooking,"  he  glub. 

"  Father  Darling,"  yellup  Mabel  Dear  from 
her  sofa  where  she  layed  with  her  fatigue, 
"  Mother  Love  says  I  can  have  new  Harper's 
Bazar  dress  for  Judkins-Perkins  wedding  fes 
tival  ball." 

"  I  am  too  busy  going  to  my  office !  "  he  snar- 
rel  While  departing  with  door. 

This  Mabel  Dear  are  Miss  Lady  of  such  great 
importantness  that  it  give  me  great  sorrow  of 
brain  to  think  she  was  born  to  merely  New  Jersey 
condition  of  real  estate.  When  Hon.  Father 
pass  off  she  tell  this  sadness  to  her  mother. 

"  Mother  Love,"  she  say  so,  "  it  create  con 
siderable  humility  in  my  prides  for  see  Togo 
open  doors  with  soapsuds  thumbs  when  Hon. 
Percy  Twill,  whose  home  contain  several  butlers, 
arrive  here  for  flirtation  and  observe  our 
poverty." 

"  Mabel  Dear  I  sympathize  to  you  for  our 
downslide  in  world.  Since  marriage  to  Father 
Darling  I  have  expected  very  little.  Before 
marriage  my  home  was  entirely  surrounded  by 
footmen." 

"  Why  you  no  brought  3  or  4  of  those  here  ?  " 
are  bright  question  for  me. 


156  Hashimura  Togo 

"  Eavesdripper !  Return  to  kitchen  duty !  " 
they  holla  together  like  chorus  girls.  Yet  I  heard 
more  from  other  keyholes. 

"  How  I  go  to  Judkins-Perkins  dance  with 
only  one  dress  ?  "  I  hear  Mabel  Dear  ask  it. 

"  Are  not  one  dress  sifficient  for  one  dance  ?  " 
I  require  silently  from  myself  while  refraining 
my  voice. 

"  I  cannot  tell  what  Father  Darling  does  with 
all  his  money,"  dement  Hon.  Mrs.  "  He  receive 
$240.  per  monthly  yet  we  enjoy  less  luxury  than 
the  rich.  Perhapsly  he  are  gambling  in  stocks." 

"  Result  of  his  selfishness  I  are  the  worst 
dressed  girl  in  the  Curfew  Glen  Smart  Set,"  cor- 
rods  Hon.  Mabel  amidst  sobs. 

"  If  you  had  married  Father  Darling  you  would 
realize  why  ladies  goes  on  hungry  strikes,"  snib 
Hon.  Mrs. 

And  so  onwards. 

When  Hon.  Pratt  retreat  homewards  at  night 
he  usually  carry  complete  bookkeeper  library 
under  his  arm  so  he  can  spent  tired  evening  find 
ing  who  stole  that  22c  from  firm  of  Obediah 
Pennypicker  &  Co.  by  which  he  is  owned.  Con 
siderable  hours  each  evening  he  set  to  table  with 
eyeglasses  and  commonpeople  expression  on  his 
face  while  he  read  that  arithmetic.  Pretty  soonly 
income  Hon.  Mrs.  &  Hon.  Miss  dishguised  in 
pinksilk  Marlborough  clothing  and  intending  to 
go  outwards. 

"  Such  stylish !  "  report  Hon.  Father  looking 
at. 


The  Head  of  the  House   157 

"This  are  not  stylish,"  renig  Hon.  Mabel 
Dear  while  spatting  her  Newport  hairs.  "  This 
dress  are  made  from  remnant  bargains.  It  are 
next  to  nothing." 

"  It  seem  so  at  the  neck,"  ollicute  he  humor- 
istically.  "  Girl  wears  but  little  here  below  but 
wears  that  little  long.  To  what  social  Durbar 
are  you  going  to  ?  " 

"  The  My  Cream  Tango  Tipsickery  Circle," 
negotiate  Hon.  Miss.  "  O  Father  Darling,  why 
you  no  go  long?  If  oncely  you  did  you  might 
make  less  cruel  talking." 

"  Maybe  I  shall,"  report  Hon.  Pa  laying  down 
bookkeep  volume. 

"  Father  Darling !  "  hissy  Hon.  Mrs.  "  What 
you  thinking  of  to  say  that?  You  could  not  go 
society  as  is.  The  necktie  you  wear  insults  our 
pride  of  family." 

"  I  go  where  I  pleases."  This  from  him  with 
glares. 

"  Why  so  independence  ?  "    She  say  it. 

"  Are  I  not  head  of  this  house?  "  he  require. 

"  Yes,  Father  Darling,"  she  file  off.  "  There 
fore  it  is  your  duty  to  stay  home  and  look  over 
$90.  groceries  bill." 

She  poke  forth  Hon.  Bill  and  leave  husbandly 
man  to  his  sorry. 

Hon.  Mr.  Pratt  work  lonesomely  till  9.44 
clocktime.  Then  he  fold  away  books  and  go  to 
emotion  picture  show.  At  ii.n  clocktime  he 
come  backwards  smoking  intense  cigar.  I  was 
setting  on  front  porch  enjoying  beauty  of  moon- 


158  Hashimura  Togo 

shin  amidst  Japanese  poetry.  He  observe  me 
there  and  donate  i  cigar  price  5c  while  he  sat 
down  next  beside  me  with  chumness  of  college 
boy. 

"  Togo,"  he  say  it  at  lastly  while  we  make 
twin  puffs,  "  are  I  head  of  this  house  or  are 
not  I?" 

"  Are  indeed !  "  I  say  kindly  because  thankful 
for  cigar. 

"  Then  why  should  I  be  battered  continu 
ously?"  This  from  him. 

"  Heads  are  always  punched,"  I  define. 

"  I  are  breadwinner  without  being  allowed  to 
keep  winnings,  I  are — ." 

"  You  are  an  American  father,"  thusly  I  re 
port.  "  You  should  learn  to  be  a  Japanese 
father." 

"  How  you  do  it  ?  "  he  ask  with  eggerness. 

"  Japanese  father  are  steam-roller  Czar.  Wife 
are  sipposed  to  approach  him  with  frightened  el 
bows,  daughter  must  be  sipposed  to  ask  for 
favors  and  not  get  it.  All  parties,  presents,  etc. 
are  given  by  him.  All  servants  must  attend  his 
selfishness  while  neglecting  females  around 
house." 

"  I  shall  move  to  Japan !  "  he  cheer  up. 

"  You  needs  not,"  I  snuggest.  "  I  shall  be 
your  Japanese  slave  and  teach  you  how  be 
Japanese  father.  Tomorrow  a.  m.  you  can  com 
mence  ordering  your  home  around  like  a  floor 
walker.  Continually  remember  inferiorness  of 
everybody  but  yourself  and  feel  as  sacred  as 


The  Head  of  the  House   159 

possible.  Heads  shall  be  chopped  for  imperti 
nence  to  you." 

"  I  shall  enjoy  that !  "  he  stotter  with  smiling 
teeth. 

At  that  moments  carriage  approach  upward 
through  moonlit  and  Wife  &  Daughter  make 
getout. 

"You  up,  Father  Darling?"  require  Hon. 
Mrs.  with  shock  tone.  "  I  can  smell  beer  in  your 
breathing.  Man  of  your  aged  respectability 
should  not  be  boistering  at  night  amidst  low- 
living  friendship." 

She  make  dragoon  expression  to  me  while  hall- 
ing  Father  away. 

Next  morning  while  it  was  breakfast  Father 
Darling  sat  looking  very  Caesar  where  breakfast 
was  not  cooked  while  I  go  through  with  tray 
containing  grape-orange,  omelit,  lady-toast  and 
slight  tea  for  Hon.  Mabel  Dear  who  enjoyed 
headache  as  usual. 

"  Lay  that  tray  on  table  bef  ront  of  me !  " 
holla  Hon.  Mr.  with  commander  voice. 

"  Father  Darling !  "  yellup  Hon.  Mrs.  who  was 
there,  "  what  you  intend  do  with  Mabel  Dear's 
headache  food  ?  " 

"  Eat  it !  "  he  snarrel  while  I  laid  Hon.  Tray 
be  front  of  him  with  complete  courtesy  of  Japa 
nese  bows. 

"  Are  it  customary  for  you  to  be  taking  com 
forts  in  this  house  from  others  ?  "  Eagles  spoke 
in  her  tone. 


160  Hashimura  Togo 

"  It  are  not,"  he  negotiate  with  egg  spoon,  "  yet 
it  shall  be  from  now  onwards." 

"Am  I  to  be  dishobeyed  in  home?"  she  re 
quire  shilly. 

"Why  not?"  he  ask  to  know  ("Togo,  bring 
one  jar  mammalade  and  considerable  more  cof 
fee.)  Yes,  Mother  Love,  I  have  caught  com 
muter  train  for  43^2  years  without  breakfast. 
Now  I  am  turning  over  a  new  sheet.  Here- 
afterly  I  shall  be  Political  Boss  of  my  house 
hold.  Not  only  shall  I  be  considered  ist  in 
serving  comfort,  but  my  servants  shall  be  my 
complete  slavers,  similar  like  they  are  in  Japan. 
Are  this  not  so,  Togo?" 

"  Ah  yes,  exalted-up  Sire !  "  I  worship  while 
bending  my  base  stumach. 

"  Huh !  "  snuggest  Hon.  Mrs.  with  Huerta  ex 
pression.  "  Togo,  go  immediately  upwards  to 
Mabel  Dear's  room  and  deliver  complete  break 
fast  to  door." 

"  Togo,"  depose  Hon.  Mr.  looking  clamly 
cruel,  "  go  immediately  upward  to  Mabel  Dear's 
room  and  make  knock-knock  to  door.  When 
Mabel  Dear  answer  say  so,  '  Your  Rev.  Father 
demand  you  get  upward  at  oncely  and  help  wash- 
dish  and  other  healthful  exercise." 

I  go.  I  do  so.  When  Mabel  Dear  hear 
knock-knock  she  poke  forth  girlish  cap  and 
decry,  "  What  for,  imported  heathenish  ?  " 

"Your  Royal  &  Exalted  Up  Hon.  Father  re 
quire  you  make  immediate  get  up  for  wash  dish 
and  be  natural  like  ancestors,"  I  commit. 


The  Head  of  the  House   161 

She  shreech.  Slam  door.  Downstairs  I  could 
hear  similar  warcry  while  sounds  of  smelling 
salts,  hysteria  etc.  could  be  heard  from  dining 
room. 

Eloping  to  window  I  could  observe  Hon.  Mr. 
evaporating  down  path  in  depot  direction. 

"  Togo !  "  voice  of  Mrs.  from  down  there. 

I  make  no  correspondence  to  her  tone. 

"  Togo,  will  you  come  downward  or  shall  you 
be  thrown  ?  " 

Still  I  conceal  my  words.  Ring-ring  by  tele 
phone  could  be  distinctually  heard. 

"  Togo,"  she  say  more  plaintiffly,  "  there  is 
command  here  by  telephone  from  your  Royal 
Lordmaster  Sir  Exalted  Pratt." 

"  I  go  downward  and  obey,"  is  meakness  from 
me. 

I  emerge  down  there  and  put  that  electricity  to 
my  ear. 

"Hello!" 

"Yes.  This  are  Boss  Pratt.  Togo,  I  have 
reconsidered  my  life  on  way  to  depot.  I  am 
very  respectful  to  your  Oriental  uncivilization 
and  know  what  you  snuggest  can  be  ac 
complished  10,000  miles  distant  from  New 
Jersey.  Howeverley,  I  are  expected  to  return 
to  New  Jersey  every  night,  so  difference  must 
be." 

"  In  Japan  you  would  never  make  such  week- 
ness  resembling  mice,"  I  ollicute  distinctually. 

"  Undoubtlessly.  And  since  you  are  so  crazed 
about  Japan,  maybe  you  should  return  there  and 


1 62  Hashimura  Togo 

teach  Domestic  Science  where  it  shall  be  under 
stood." 

"  Then  you  mean  say  I  am  discharged  ?  " 

"  Like  a  gun !  "  he  snibber  while  hanging  tele 
phone. 

So  I  arrive  to  backdoor  and  obtain  immediate 
farewell  feeling  that  Man  is  superior  to  Woman, 
but  that  Woman  are  on  Jobs  more  frequently 
all  day. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


A  A      000283466    1 


